As I hope most of you know, I like having fun just as much as the next fellow, and I certainly don't want to put a wet-blanket on any of the traditional good ole fashion American fun that goes on at political conventions. Never-the-less, given these modern times with hidden cameras, story hungry reporters, and millions of potential witnesses I'd like to share my own " Top Ten Celebrity and Delegate Guidelines for 'Safer Convention Fun," learned by much experience and many awkward media moments over my lifetime.
1) If your are blind drunk, don't go skinny dipping at Holy Sites, or Town Fountains.
2) When visiting the local strip clubs, don't use party, or corporate credit cards, use cash.
3) Politely decline invitations for sleep - overs from anyone with names like Candy, Big Jake, Kali, Bouncy Bruce, Misery, or The Slammer.
4) Avoid group pie fights before your big convention speech, especially with the "staining" berry pies. No one wants to look like John Boehner with the new HDTV.
5) Tip well, or say you're a Republican reporter from RedState.
6) Avoid all night parties with the Secret Service and their friends from Columbia.
7) Avoid invitations to tell reporters, or "extra friendly strangers "what you really think" on controversial topics, especially if they have camers, or with large briefcases with glass holes. If they are from Jon Stewart's or Stephen Colbert's shows pretend like you don't speak English and proceed deliberately to the nearest exit. Avoid invitations to play the role of Todd Akin in late night drunken bar debates for top 10 videos.
8) Don't demand your "right" to speak to a reporter with a camera, if arrested. This is extra important if you suddenly realize you are naked, drunk, swimming in a Holy Site, or dressed in a costume from a recent Batman movie.
9) When visiting fetish or SMBD clubs do not choose a "safe word" involving the names of top Democratic officials or campaign themes. Do not read club literature, or 50 Shades of Grey in public.
10) Avoid using Party or Corporate credit cards and your real name when purchasing illegal drugs, or prostitutes.
Well, these are just a few to illustrate the kinds of common sense precaution modern celebrities need to keep in mind to avoid distracting scandals. I welcome readers to share others.
PS Rights to this jokes will be auctioned off to the highest bidder before Tuesday night. Preference given to David Letterman, Jon Stewart, Steven Colbert, Keynote Speaker of the Global Secret Servicepersons, Ball, or Craig Ferguson, and proceeds donated to bail fund for anyone who learns a new lesson, I haven't yet. Of course, our President, Vice President, The DNC, or Markos and the FAQ can have right-of-first refusal, and have them free, if they want to make them "official."
Good luck, and have as much fun as possible within the ever tightening constraints of our ever present media noose.