Last Friday, Bill Maher closed with a New Rule explaining how various right-wing groups get to have their voices heard and their legislation enacted, despite the majority — and in some cases a vast majority — of Americans not in favor of their right-wing views.
And finally, New Rule: If your conservative advocacy group is demanding that Geico pull this ad
because the depiction — as a joke, of course — of a woman on a date with a cartoon pig might encourage bestiality, while you're also demanding that Skittles remove this ad
where a woman kisses a walrus because it may — yes, you guessed it — encourage bestiality, you have to ask yourself this: Aren't you thinking a little too much about bestiality?
I mean, seriously, if I'm the depraved Hollywood liberal, how come when I see these ads, I don't think, "Oh, bestiality, you forbidden fruit, how you tempt me!" Not even a little. But, you, wholesome Christian do-gooder, see this and think, "Please, Jesus, give me the strength to not fuck my cat!" (wild audience applause)
Now, I only bring this up because the Christian pressure group responsible for protesting these ads is called One Million Moms, and they are an example of a much larger problem we need to deal with, a problem I call shit-kicker inflation. Which is the phenomenon of all things conservative being portrayed as way bigger than they really are.
To wit, I looked up One Million Moms on Twitter, and the number of followers they have is 2,258. That's how many my Aunt Marjorie has, and she's got one post, and it says, "Is this thing working?"
And Million Moms are not alone in pretending they're not alone. The Catholic League is another group constantly in the news because they also love to get freaked out about nonsense that would make even Pat Robertson go, "Oh, for Christ's sakes, relax!" But just as there aren't a million moms in One Million Moms, there is no league in the Catholic League. It's one guy with a fax machine.
Now, a recent study found that politicians in both parties consistently thought that their constituents were much more conservative than they actually were. And that's because there's a relatively small group of very shrill people devoted to — and succeeding at — convincing us that this is a much more conservative and religious nation than it is. (audience applause)
Americans, for example, don't hate socialism. They just can't define it. Even though it's kind of right in the name "Social Security". Kinda right in the name. Which even Tea Partiers do not want to cut.
Same thing with Obamacare. As an idea, it's unpopular. But ask voters about the elements in it, they're all very popular. It's like saying, "I hate pizza! I love tomato sauce and melted cheese on dough, but pizza? I hate that shit."
Same with guns! We found out this week that gun ownership is actually down in this country. Way down. And yet the NRA, with just four million members, has a stranglehold on the gun policies in a nation of 300 million.
This misreading of where the public really is explains why at this moment, a cross-section of Republican politicians are at CPAC delivering a simple message to the right-wingers who keep losing them elections. And that message is: "Whatever you do, don't change." Among the featured speakers at CPAC this year include Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Rick Santorum, Wayne LaPierre, Donald Trump and Sarah Palin — a virtual Who's Who of What The Fuck. (audience cheering and applause)
And look, the convention is still going on, so I won't presume to know everything that's going to be said at this open mic from hell, but.... Oh, screw it! Yes, I do know. I know exactly what'll be said, because it's exactly what they always say. They will get up, one after another, and say that they speak for the vast majority of real Americans who hate socialism and own guns and feel their values are under attack.
Except they don't speak for the vast majority of Americans, or a majority at all. (audience applause) They're just so loud they haven't noticed that America has moved on without them. They're like a nasty, old man still bitching about the kids who keep hitting the ball into his yard, even though those kids have grown up and moved away. And he's still the senior senator from Arizona. (audience cheering)
