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On this day, April 1st, in the Year of Our Lord 2013, Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham, holding hands in front of the assembled Congress, announced that that they desire to wed. And that, therefore, the Supreme Court should immediately overturn DOMA and remove all barriers to their union.

McConnell said that after reading that the Georgia GOP was worried about "fraud" and "abuse" as a result of marriage equality, he was overcome by a deep sense of shame. He admitted that his marriage to Elaine Chao was a "mariage de convenience," so that he could increase his personal wealth and have a built-in beard for cocktail parties. He also said that while it was nice that "In the closet" was widely accepted by the GOP base, it just wasn't enough.

Graham said that he was just tired of sneaking off to coat closets and having to disguise himself as Ms. Chao in order to accompany Mitch to dinners and play footsie under the table.

McConnell reassured Congress that he and Graham would not be changing any other positions. They would still fiercely oppose the President on everything, and work as hard as ever to pass anti-women legislation. They could finally admit publicly that vaginas were icky and scary.

Their announcement was met with stunned silence, followed by soft popping noises as their fellow GOPers' heads exploded. McConnell and Graham fled the carnage hand-in-hand.

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