This is wonderful news for the country, and rotten data for anti-gun advocates trying to revive the Newtown, Conn., anti-gun legislative package.Hooray, we've solved the problem! Sorry, kids, but our freedoms demand a certain number of you get shot in your classrooms every year—you understand, right? We've determined the optimum level of murdered children, and we're pretty happy with the way things are going now. Other important conservative findings, taken mostly from a nice explication here:
- Even though many more more people are getting shot in recent years, thanks to advances in trauma care the victims are significantly less likely to die from a gunshot wound than they were 20 years ago. This means our policy of allowing high-capacity magazines is more important than ever, since you may have to pump more bullets into your modern super-criminal if you want to make sure the doctors can't revive them later.
- While fewer households own a gun than 20 years ago, the people who do own guns own a lot more guns. The obvious conclusion from this is not that less universal access to firearms reduces gun violence, but that crackpots hoarding guns are such an intimidating presence that they keep their entire neighborhoods safe via home-defense osmosis.
- School shootings are down 33 percent since the 1990s peak. This is now the satisfactory level of school shootings, thus eliminating any need to pass further gun safety laws related to schools or shootings. Future reductions in fatal school shootings will therefore be achieved by giving our kindergarten students bullet-resistant backpacks.
- Violent crime in general has declined a whopping 75 percent in the last 20 years. Gun-related homicides, however, have declined at only about half that rate: 39 percent. While you might expect the massively reduced rate of violent crime to have produced an equal decline in gun deaths and wonder why it did not, SHUT UP. Also, let's say video games.
The good news, however, is that we've finally found a level of gang violence, suicides, accidental shootings, accidental shootings of children, school shootings of children, theater shootings, politically motivated shootings, drunken fatal whoopsies, and other mishaps that we can live with. Well, over a thousand Americans every month can't live with it, ha ha, but pobody's nerfect, right? Now let's all go out and buy some ammo before the government gets it all, because liberty is a twitchy little bastard and who knows what it's going to make us shoot at next.