Last night, Bill Maher closed out with a New Rule blasting the "border surge" in the immigration bill as being little more than the continuation of the military-industrial complex.
And finally, New Rule: if the only plan we have for immigration reform is a military-style surge that wastes $46 billion dollars for weapons, walls, prison camps, and 40,000 armed guards in the desert — it's not a plan, it's a war. A war to replace the wars that are ending overseas. (audience applause) Because after our last soldier leaves the wildly successful experiment in democracy known as Afghanistan, we're going to be dangerously close to not having any war, and down to a mere 660 military bases in 38 countries. Jesus, what are we, Switzerland now?
Sorry, Mexicans, but war is what keeps our economy going, so you're just going to have to step up. The War on Terror just got replaced by the War-hey on Jorge. (audience laughter and applause) That'll teach you to take over channels 18 to 27 on our cable system! (wild audience laughter and applause)
[BruinKid note: The Los Angeles-based audience got that joke all too well.]
Now, don't get me wrong, I think border security is important. And I have no doubt that the Republican plan for turning our southern border into The Hunger Games will put a stop to the #1 threat facing America today — illegal cleaning ladies. But let's be clear. This immigration bill has about as much to do with immigration as Sarah Palin had to do with mapping the human genome. (audience laughter)
Mexican immigration to America is now at net zero. That's the little elephant-in-the-room fact they don't tell you. They're not coming anymore. Which is not to say there aren't illegals already here. Over the last 30 years, 12 million Mexicans did come to America — in three cars. (audience laughter)
MIKE ROWE: Tell me they were Fords!
But look, if we deport all 12 million people, the continent will tip over. We need to get them in the system, because sooner or later, someone's gonna want to eat some fruit. (audience laughter)
So, why are we working so hard to make them miserable? The immigration bill says that while in America, they have to wait 13 years to become a citizen, learn to speak perfect English, pay taxes but don't get to use government services, and hope to hell some dumbass in a Neighborhood Watch program doesn't shoot them. (audience applause)
This bill could say Mexicans have to drink paint, and Republicans would say, "Why not lead paint?" Now part of this, of course, is simple prejudice. But the bigger part is that peace and brotherhood is all fine and dandy, but there's no money in it.
Ten years ago, there were 10,000 border patrol agents. Now there are 21,000. The new bill would up it to 38,000. Why? Because Republicans hate big government. (audience applause)
Except for war, which is their version of a stimulus package. Oh, not the bad kind of stimulus that builds schools and fixes bridges — that's socialism. (audience laughter) Building weapon systems no one needs — that's patriotism. This is about the same folks who frittered away your money on the phony Iraq War, and the 10 years in Afghanistan, and the pointless drug war, deciding that what this country really needs is yet another phony war. Oh, it's a surge, all right — a surge of blood to the penises of defense contractors. (audience laughter and applause)
Who are so brazen about getting America to keep buying their shit, that the bill — an immigration bill, mind you — mandates specific weapon systems to be bought from specific companies, like Northrop, and Bell, and General Atomics. The only way this bill could be more of a blowjob to the corporations that lobby Republicans is if it not only captured Mexicans, but turned them into coal. (audience laughter and applause)
And here's the really stupid thing about turning the bottom half of America into the DMZ. Almost half of all illegals don't even sneak in. They arrive legally on an airplane, and just never leave. Turns out they're not Mexican criminals, they're Irish relatives.