From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Nice Try, "Rafael Edward"
I took some time yesterday to inspect the alleged "birth certificate" of U.S. "Senator" "Ted" Cruz. He plans to run for president in 2016, but has a little issue called being born and indoctrinated in a socialist country known as "Canada." I'm still piecing together his real back story, but for now I can tell you that I take issue with the following on what he claims is the legal document proving he became him when and where he says he did:
Yeah, right.
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1. The certificate was released as a crude, cartoonish gif. Actual birth certificates in the 1970s were printed on birch bark.
2. The red seal is blank. Authentic Canadian birth certificates show a Mountie chasing a moose making off with a six-pack of Molson.
3. The font. It's all wrong. Go to www.thefontit'sallwrong.com for magnification and a comparison of typewriter keystrokes from Departments of Health in all four Canadian provinces and, most important, Moscow. Yes, I said Moscow and I'll say it again. Moscow.
4. There's no mention of hockey anywhere on this "certificate." Also: a proton scan reveals no trace of tar sand residue, and that shit gets all over everything. Why so clean…"Ted?"
Including a certain Ted Cruz?
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6. I have no recollection of ever seeing "Ted Cruz" during his childhood, in grade school, or college. In fact, I'd never heard of "Ted Cruz" until a couple years ago. Where has he been all these years? What is he hiding and where is he hiding it?
7. Skip 7---I'm saving it for my book.
8. This is a very short document---only a dozen or so lines. Where's the long-form birth certificate? Or should I say: where's the long-form birth certificate, comrade? (Or sir or mister or other suitable address...I'm flexible.)
9. Four out of five dentists who confirm the authenticity of birth certificates as a side job tell me this thing is as fake as a two-dollar loonie. At least I think so. I was sucking on laughing gas at the time.
That's for starters. I'll reveal the rest in my brief to the Supreme Court. In the meantime, please send lots and lots of money for my new
time share think tank,
Americans for Sensible Blather, so I can continue investigating this assault on our democracy in all fifty states. I plan to start by scouring every birth record in Hawaii, the last place "Ted Cruz" would expect anyone to look. I hope their records are online so I can do the scouring from the smartphone in my golf cart.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Note: The Republican alternative healthcare exchanges are now open for members of the tea party and their families. Please make your selection and then allow 4-6 months for your [Jar of leeches---may also contain bedbugs] [Handful of dietary supplements from Star Scientific] [Pack of cigarettes] or [Bag of flour to help with your emergency healthcare fundraising bake sale] to arrive. $199.95 will be added to your for shipping and handling. (It’s not a tax. It's a courtesy fee. ---Mgt.
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3 days!!!
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Days `til Daylight Saving Time ends:
74
Days 'til the
Gourmet Mac & Cheese Festival in Paso Robles, California:
3
Projected number of foreclosures this year, down from 1.05 million in 2010 and a 27% drop from last year:
490,000
(Source: RealtyTrac via AP)
Number of kids who will be denied services through Head Start in the coming school year due to the sequester:
57,265
(Source:
Think Progress)
Increase in the sale of organic food in the last five years:
35%
(Source:
The Week)
Current number of coal-industry jobs in Kentucky, the lowest level since 1927:
12,342
(Source:
USA Today)
Percent chance that journalism equals terrorism:
0%
(Source:
Rachel Maddow)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 Worst Osama bin Laden Conspiracy Theory Ever). Soul Protection Factor 30 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Eh…close enough.
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The gooey butter
bars went for $40.
to splintered auction paddles. Wow---just shy of $11,000 was raised in the 2013
Netroots Nation Annual Online Auction, which came to a loud, savage and frenzied conclusion last night. Thanks to everyone who checked out the goods and tossed in a bid or two. The money will go towards keeping the July Detroit convention registration fee lower than it otherwise would be, and also help offset the costs of the regional events and mentoring program. I'm also pleased to announce that this year only six people were sent to the hospital during the bidding war over the gooey butter bars. Good to see we're becoming more civilized in our old age.
JEERS to the inevitable outcome. I think Pfc. Bradley Manning is in for a world of hurt this morning when a judge passes sentence on him for a bazillion charges of leaking classified military secrets to Wikileaks. The max is 90 years, the prosecution wants at least 60, the defense is calling for no more than 25, I'd like to see 10, and I'm fearing it'll end up around 50. But the chance of history ever forgetting his name or the size of the whistle he blew? Nada.
[BIG FAT YAWN] to air disses. Oh noez! NBC and CNN have been ousted in a bloodless brainless coup by the RNC as venues for future Republican debates. When I think about it, it makes sense---the Republican party is shrinking like crazy, so their debate viewership should reflect that. Also when I think about it my head hurts.
CHEERS to securing macadamia nuts for the motherland. Fifty-four years ago, on August 21, 1959, President Eisenhower---whose somewhat moderate views would prompt right-wing comparisons to Hitler if he was around today, which would be weird considering he defeated Hitler---signed an executive order proclaiming Hawaii as America's 50th state, unwittingly setting the stage for a secret plot by scalawags to, three years later, import a Kenyan-born baby in swaddling clothes to take over the Executive Branch in 2009 and kill all our old people with death panels. Even though Cokie Roberts may tut-tut you for being too much of a
"foreign, exotic place," Hawaii, C&J luvs ya just the way you are. Tonight we celebrate by making some tiny bubbles in the tub.
CHEERS and JEERS to Governor Whiplash. As a Republican governor in a blue state, Chris Christie has to throw the occasional bone to the dogs of common sense. This week he did that by signing a bill of magnum humanitarium---outlawing "ex-gay" therapy:
Number of people actually
wearing one of these? 0.
With Republican governor Chris Christie's signature on the bill Monday morning, New Jersey banned the scientifically discredited practice on minors, which advocates testified before the state legislature amounts to little more than child abuse. The legislation passed through both chambers of the legislature with bipartisan support, but Christie was hesitant to confirm whether or not he would sign the bill into law. Monday was his last day to either sign the bill or veto it; if the governor had done neither, the bill would have become law by default.
Christie says he's convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that being gay is inborn,
not a sin and, as of the above bill-signing, immutable. Which brings me to my quibble: if all that's true, why doesn’t Christie sign the marriage-equality bill that passed both chambers of the legislature? I think it's just a phase. All he needs is a few sessions of ex-civil-union-supporter therapy.
CHEERS to a pleasant discussion---if by pleasant you mean, "Don’t you guys ever shut up???" On August 21, 1858, the first of the famous debates between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas took place. They were going toe-to-toe in Ottawa, Illinois in a battle for a U.S. senate seat:
Then Medusa showed up
and this was the result.
It was dry and dusty, between 10,000 and 12,000 people were in attendance when the debate began at 2:00 p.m. There were no seats or bleachers. Douglas charged Lincoln with trying to "abolitionize" the Whig and Democratic Parties. He also charged Lincoln had been present when a very radical "abolitionist" type platform had been written by the Republican Party in 1854. Douglas accused Lincoln of taking the side of the common enemy in the Mexican War.
In other words, Douglas accused Lincoln of appeasing the enemy and palling around with terrorists. Gee, where have I heard that before?
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Five years ago in C&J: August 21, 2008
JEERS to Cindy McPantsonfire. For years John McCain's wife---the current one, not the one he cheated on and was married to even after he got a marriage license for this one (it's kind of a long story)---misled our nation into thinking that Mother Theresa had, in 1991, "implored" her to bring a couple orphans home, one of whom is now her daughter. It now turns out she (Cindy, not Mother Theresa) lied like a rug, and the campaign has erased all mentions of the bogus story. But thanks to the miracle of the cached web page, you can still relive that special non-moment. Need a hanky?
CHEERS to cheap eats. With food prices forcing more and more Americans to switch to dirt casserole and ragweed stew, here in Maine we're stuffing ourselves to the gills with the cheapest lobster in eons. Just for fun I like to sneak up behind out-of-staters in restaurants and whisper, "Can you hear the lobsters screaming, Agent Starling?" Getting thrown through a window ain't so bad once you learn how to roll on impact.
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And just one more…
JEERS to the little man in the big codpiece. Just a quick reminder of the day six years ago today when the Big Lie was exposed by the liar himself:
President Bush: The terrorists attacked us and killed 3,000 of our citizens before we started the freedom agenda in the Middle East.
Reporter: What did Iraq have to do with that?
President Bush: What did Iraq have to do with what?
Reporter: The attack on the World Trade Center.
President Bush: Nothing!!!
Now that we've cleared that up, we now return you to our regularly scheduled GOP terror porn:
If you need me today I'll be down at the paint store hugging the brightest red Pantones for dear life.
Happy Wednesday! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Don’t believe in Bill in Portland Maine? Join the club!
---United Coalition of Reason
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