Thanks to the tireless efforts of a few brave House Republican morons, we all get to now celebrate the March of Dumbs.
(graphics package introducing the March of Dumbs segment)
Government shutdown! Let's hear from an actual Congressman. Let's hear from an actual Congressman as to why we had to shut the federal government down.
REP. TODD ROKITA, R-IN (9/30/2013): We just want to help the American people get by and through what is one of the most insidious laws ever created by man. And that is Obamacare.
(Jon slow claps) Bravo. Not just one of the most insidious laws ever created by America, which has Jim Crow and slavery on its résumé of laws, but by man — putting Obamacare up with the Nuremberg Laws, the Spanish Inquisition, and prima nocta, the medieval law where on your wedding night, the King gets to sleep with your wife.
(in New Jersey accent) "Hey, I dunno, King Longshanks may be in there banging my bride, but at least he's not forcing me into a health care exchange. I don't want the government standing between me and the guy who applies my leeches."
I don't know why the peasant has an accent like that. He should probably not be from Jersey.
Anyway, so now the House Republicans have made the incredibly unpopular move of forcing a shutdown of the United States government so as to save us all from having the king bang our wives, there is only one thing left to do. Fox, to the damage control station! Man the straw man!
10/1/2013:
STEVE DOOCY: I wonder if it's going to be like the sequester, where before the sequester we heard, you know, the sky is essentially going to fall, it's going to be awful, you're going to feel the pain immediately. Mm, not so much.
JONAH GOLDBERG: The worst thing that happens is some museums close and someone can't go to the Statue of Liberty.
BILL HEMMER: We were all warned that the sky was going to fall. But you woke up this morning, the sun came up, didn't it?
Yeah, no one told you the sky would fall. No one told you that a government shutdown would have the same effect as an asteroid hitting the planet. Although, quick note: the government shutdown did affect the program that would tell us if that was happening.
But the point is, on Fox, no biggie!
LAURA INGRAHAM (10/1/2013): When the President came out yesterday, and he went through the list of what wasn't going to change, he said, well, we'll have air traffic controllers, Medicare, you get to go to the doctor ... I was sitting there going, wait a second, he's making the case for the Republicans! This sounds pretty good!
SEAN HANNITY (9/30/2013): Maybe I'm just one of the few people, I'm just not... this doesn't impact me mentally. We've had 17 government shutdowns, Governor, I'm not afraid of a couple of weeks of government being shut down.
How bad can it be if it doesn't personally affect Sean Hannity? I mean, it's not like they shut down Smith & Wollensky for private events. I mean, that would really be fucked up. Or closed our nation's strategic flag-graphic reserves. Or if Roger Ailes implemented a "no grunting" policy in the Fox men's room. (audience laughter)
So it turns out there's a whole bunch of government functions that if ended, the casual observer might not immediately feel physically, but nevertheless, might have an effect.
JOY REID (9/30/2013): NASA, the EPA, and the Department of Commerce would essentially stop functioning, with the vast majority of their employees forced to stay home.
ASHLEIGH BANFIELD (10/1/2013): 68% of the Centers for Disease Control is "furloughed".
RENE MARSH (9/30/2013): The Food and Drug Administration will not be able to support the majority of its food safety nutrition and cosmetics activities.
Really? They might not be reviewing the products. How weird, as I am just introducing one such definitely safe pharmaceutical product to the marketplace.
(switches to new camera angle) Hello, friends. Are you tired of thinking with your penis? And then having your penis make terrible decisions? (picture of Anthony Weiner's infamous junk shot)
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Thanks, Braincocktin. It totally works and has no side effects that I'm required to tell you about as long as the FDA's offline. Braincocktin, from the makers of Caterall.
Finally, your cat can pay attention. And Hambien.
The only sleeping pill that is clearly not Kosher. So.... (wild audience cheering and applause)
That's an interesting gif for the Internet, me opening a bottle of Braincocktin going like this.
Enjoy that, BuzzFeed!
So, a couple of government agencies are closed. Is this shutdown really going to hurt anyone?
NBC NEWS (9/30/2013): The shutdown will also suspend the supplemental nutrition program for women, infants, and children.
(with fingers in ears) La la la la la la la!
See? Nobody. It's like taking candy from a baby. Except instead of candy, it's food.
But to the Republicans, all that adds up to a big "I dunno, I'm just not feelin' it." In fact, if there's one soundbite that utterly expresses this worldview, it's this one right here.
TODD STARNES (10/1/2013): If you believe the Democrats, it's time to go out and buy the potted meat and Tang and get in your survival bunker. But at the end of the day.... (Sean Hannity laughs)
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. FUCK YOU!! (wild audience cheering and applause)
Because first of all, Democrats aren't the ones with survival bunkers — that's you guys. And second, I know that for you, potted meat and Tang is shorthand for shit you wouldn't possibly imagine eating unless there was a catastrophe. But for the people actually affected by the government shutdown, it's the shit they eat that they can no longer afford.
Of course, I don't mean to suggest Fox or the Republicans don't get upset by the effects of reduced government services. We remember what they were screaming about six months ago.
FOX NEWS ANCHOR (3/13/2013): The controversy over the administration's decision to cancel public tours at the White House.
MICHELLE MALKIN (3/9/2013): You've got all the kids screaming and moaning that they can't go to the White House tours now.
ERIC BOLLING (3/8/2013): He's playing the political game by saying I'm closing the White House. He's punishing those kids.
DENEEN BORELLI (3/9/2013): He's even scaring little kids. I mean, how low can you go?
NEWT GINGRICH (3/7/2013): My grandson Robert, who you know, he and his class went to the White House tour about three weeks ago. They loved it. ... What the President's doing is an absurdity.
GRETA VAN SUSTEREN (3/26/2013): The politicians, including our President, didn't do their jobs, and now the children get punished by the White House. What's wrong with this picture?
EVERYTHING!! "Hey, your did didn't get breakfast? That's your problem. My kid didn't get to tour the White House? That's everybody's problem."
National Hispanic Heritage Month. (Hint: not very well.)
, which went long. Here's the unedited interview in two parts.
