"Stop playing the victim. That’s not even a real instrument."

Plenty of people want to watch the world burn. You can be one of the people roasting marshmallows in the flames. http://www.goldmansachs.com/...

It's not about money. It's about following your passion. And learning to live in abject poverty. Passionately.  

Keep track of the number of fucks you don't give so you can really cash in on the fucking at the end of each month.

Never raise a hand to a child, unless you have three of a kind or better.

I am always at my very whitest when I roll down the window and say, "Good evening Officer".

Nature’s like “Dude relax, big snakes aren't venomous. They just crush the fuck out of you, eat you whole and digest you for a few months.”

Mankind is too concerned with fighting silly wars to realize that cobras are evolving wings and will one day rule over the heavens. You've been warned.

Dear President Obama: Can you do me a favor and spy on my ex and let me know if she still cares?

Thanks, Lonely Heart

(P.S. I voted for you twice)