From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
To drive your conservative family members crazy during Thanksgiving dinner, pour all of the gravy onto your plate first, and then tell them it will eventually trickle down onto theirs.
Congressional Republicans are still less popular than President Obama by a factor of 5.
I know the Iran nuclear deal is a step forward because all the "experts" who have been wrong about international affairs for decades say it's a step backward.
Hanukkah starts tonight. Daily
Kos has gone 0 days without
a dreidel-related injury. My bad.
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Atlantic hurricane season ends in less than 72 hours.
I'm waiting for Mitt Romney to come out of hiding and yell, "Corporations are priests, my friends!"
George W. Bush still doesn't understand why Turkey got upset when he pardoned their country every November for eight straight years.
I just signed the Justice League's petition urging Congress to pass the Affordable Cape Act.
To piss off the Fox News junkie across the street, the twinkly lights in our living room window spell out SURRENDER, CHRISTMAS.
It'll take 10 months for the Mars probe to arrive at the red planet, unless you kids don't knock it off back there in which case I'm turning this thing around.
With God as my witness, I thought tofurkey could fly.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Note: Here's the schedule for the rest of the week. Tomorrow morning we present A Very Special Thanksgiving C&J that will one day be turned into a Hallmark Hall of Fame special because that's how desperate they'll be for content. Then on Friday evening I've been authorized to do an unauthorized version of "Ask Me Anything," during which I'll answer questions by anyone who isn't in a tryptophan-induced leftovers coma. No C&J Monday so that we can participate in the time-honored tradition of post-holiday slacking.
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17 days!!!
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Days 'til the ACA website needs to be fixed:
4
Days 'til Silver Falls State Park's 36th annual
Christmas Festival in Oregon:
17
Percent of couples who don’t have sex on their wedding night:
52%
Percent of those newlyweds who don’t do the nasties because they're too drunk:
37%
(Source:
Details)
Time it took for tickets to sell out for the July 1 live Monty Python show in London, after which four shows were added:
43 seconds
(Source:
The Guardian)
Percent chance that Honey Boo Boo started the first Thanksgiving in 1621:
100%
(Source:
The History Channel)
Number of times I'll need to hear "Pa rum pum pum pum" between now and December 25 before I climb a tower and start shooting paintballs at people:
99
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 5 plagues and an outbreak of gay tornadoes). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy ending for a draining situation…
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JEERS to a great big mess. If you're traveling today in the eastern part of the country, you might be better off renting an abominable snowman to carry you and your belongings to your destination. This is what the map looks like, according to the NWS's Atari 2600 forecast computer:
I looked out my window this morning and we are indeed experiencing some torrential purple rain. (Damn you, Prince or weird symbol representing you!) The gays, feminists and pagans are quick to point out, by the way, that this is
not one of their weather messes. Responsibility rests solely on the homophobes, the male chauvinists and the Bible thumpers. If you end up in it while driving, remember: keep your hands at 10 and 2 and your expression like this:
<|:-O (The pointy hat is optional, but very stylish.)
Flashback: Dubya lights a menorah. Moments
later the White House is engulfed in flames.
to Menorahpalooza. Following tradition, today at sundown I become what my neighbors fear most: a lapsed Episcopalian brandishing a dreidel and a platter of my homemade latkes. If past portends present, I'll take out several windows, some lampposts and a hedge with the former, and make the old lady across the street use her supplemental dental insurance with the latter. We trust things will be a little more peaceful where you are. Oh, and this…
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
Happy Channuka, Channukah, Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanuko, Hannuka, Hannukah, Hanuka, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Kanukkah, Khannuka, Khannukah, Khanuka, Khanukah, Khanukkah,
Thanksgivukkah (tomorrow), "Gobble Tov!" (also tomorrow), and Xanuka!!! Don’t say all that too fast or your uvula might end up in the ER.
Now a bathrobe.
to
John Paul George Ringo Stevens. By his record you'd think he was nominated by a bleeding-heart liberal. But he was appointed to the Supreme Court 38 years ago today by the Republican who pardoned Richard Freaking Nixon: Gerald Ford. Three years after his retirement, John Paul Stevens is still active at 93. He travels, accepts speaking engagements and last I heard he still plays a little tennis. But his favorite thing is getting together every week in front of the TV with Souter and O'Connor to spend some quality time overruling Judge Judy. (Now you know why she always looks so crabby on Wednesdays.)
CHEERS to notoriety. The biggest news to come out of the pushing of the "nuclear option" button by Senate Democrats---besides the pushing part, which was excellent---was the blast of notoriety for Daily Kos's own champion of filibuster reform, David Waldman (KagroX), who got a write-up by CNN:
Kagro X talks shop with President O.
He had to convince a diverse group of advocates that climate change, immigration, the judiciary, and the economy all had one thing in common: The filibuster blocked their legislative goals. "Getting them to recognize outside their issue silo there's this one issue frustrating all of you" was key to success, Waldman said. That's when Fix the Senate Coalition formed. The Sierra Club joined on. So did the NAACP and the Communications Workers of America, just to name a few. …
"I might be destroying the Senate," Waldman said on his radio program Thursday just before Reid pulled the trigger. But he quickly dismissed that assessment: "But it kind of sucks now."
True Fact: If a Kossack is caught fucking up a branch of the federal government, a warning will be issued. Two branches equals a 2-week suspension. And if you fuck up all three, your house gets bombed. Probably by the invading Russians.
Photo taken during the fart-off.
to preparing for the grand finale. On November 27, 1943, Franklin Roosevelt, Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin met in Tehran to start talking about how to wrap up World War II and divvy up the spoils. Today the tattered remnants of the American neocon movement dream about meeting in Tehran to talk about how to wrap up World War III and divvy up the spoils. And given the
major diplomatic breakthrough over the weekend, it looks like they'll go on dreaming for a while longer. Mostly about giant flying codpieces.
CHEERS to today's little vocabulary lesson. Pay attention kids: hapless Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner hopped online to prove that the healthcare.gov website didn’t work…and it did! Meanwhile, hapless Democratic Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sibelius hopped online to prove that the healthcare.gov website did work…and it didn’t! And that, kids, is what we call "karma."
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Five years ago in C&J: November 27, 2008
CHEERS to the headline of the year. It's not "Obama Beats McCain," believe it or not. No, the headline of the year is this: Ann Coulter's Jaw Wired Shut. Thank you, Make-A-Wish Foundation. You always come through.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the consistency of "Kossack Time." Yesterday's C&J poll asked, "At what speed has 2013 gone for you?" It was an encore of a question we asked exactly seven years ago and again last year. Here's the breakout for comparison:
This = Impossible
Very Fast: 56% in 2006, 54% in 2012, 55% in 2013
Somewhat Fast: 24% in 2006, 25% in 2012, 27% in 2013
Normal Speed: 9% in 2006, 11% in 2012, 11% in 2013
Somewhat Slow: 4% 2006, 4% in 2012, 3% in 2013
Very Slow: 4% in 2006, 3% in 2012, 2% in 2013
Remarkable consistency. The conclusion to me seems obvious: on any given year, between seven and eight percent of us spend way too much watching C-SPAN.
Have a nice Wednesday and safe travels if you're heading over the river, through the woods, and out among the inconsiderate jerks. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine's emissions of methane, a potent heat-trapping greenhouse gas, may be 50% higher than federal estimates, reports a team of Harvard and other researchers today.
---USA Today
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