Last week, while we were off, we missed some high drama. Apparently a fella named Cliven Bundy, not to be confused with his more sophisticated brother Al, or his more athletic brother King Kong.
(audience laughter)
Now ol' Cliven Bundy been grazin' his cattle illegally on federal land in Nevada for about 20 years now, accruing about $1 million dollars in grazing fees, penalties, and fines. Unfortunately, Mr. Bundy has also repeatedly ignored court orders to cease and desist vis-à-vis said grazing. So the federal Bureau of Land Management came to take his cattle. It is your standard boy has cow, boy breaks law for 20 years, boy loses cow story. (audience laughter) Or so we thought.
GRETA VAN SUSTEREN (4/16/2014): Hundreds of armed militiamen rallying to support the Bundys, facing off with the feds at gunpoint.
TERI OKITA, CBS THIS MORNING (4/11/2014): Jim Lordy came from Montana to join the protesters. He says he and other militia members are not afraid to shoot if necessary.
RICHARD MACK (4/14/2014): We were actually strategizing to put all the women up at the front. If they're going to start shooting, it's going to be women that are going to be televised all across the world getting shot by these rogue federal officers.
(shocked audience reaction)
Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie.
He seems nice. Apparently we got ourselves a standoff at Wounded Loin. Yes, the armed standoff over this man illegally grazing his cattle is the subject of tonight's new segment, I Don't Get It.
Brought to you by, "Huh? Huh." It's the sound you make... when you don't get it.
Now look, I understand this is the West. Everyone wants to romanticize it, the last frontier of liberty, ridin' rails on the open range, eating a tremendous amount of beans around a campfire, not caring about the normal social consequences of eating those beans, cuz who's gonna complain? The coyotes? Not if they know what's good for them. "Pa-ting! Pa-ting! Pa-ting! Pa-ting!" (uses fingers as guns to fire shots off in the air) That's the noise you make to scare 'em away. "Pa-ting! Pa-ting!"
(audience laughter)
How is this guy Bundy a hero for ignoring federal law? And what is the justification?
CLIVEN BUNDY (4/10/2014): I abide by all of Nevada's state laws. But I don't recognize the United States government as even existing.
(shocked audience laughter)
I'm as against government overreach as the next guy, but I don't think the federal government is overreaching by saying it exists. (audience laughter) But this guy is just:
(in Western rancher voice) "Heck, I'm just a simple fella some folks call a Cartesian follower of Rene Descartes. And without immediate sensory proof, how am I to take government existence as prima facie assumption? Shit, what if we're all just brains in a jar? I gotta pay you for grazing my imaginary brain jar cattle? I mean, who do you take me for, fucking John Locke? Pa-ting! Pa-ting! Pa-ting! Pa-ting!"
(audience laughter)
Right now, somewhere, a junior philosophy major just came in his pants. (wild audience laughter)
All right, speaking of things that prove the government exists, did you look at the end of this?
You see that thing you're holding there, fella? (audience laughter) If you reject the American federal government, at least have the decency to create your own damn flag. I don't give the Confederacy credit for much, but at least they had a graphic design team that was worth its shit.
(audience laughter)
So the law isn't on Bundy's side, the court isn't on Bundy's side, even the Nevada state constitution, which Bundy claims to abide, isn't on Bundy's side. Who the hell is on this guy's side?
SEAN HANNITY (4/14/2014): Have you thought about why you think your case has resonated so much with the American people?
Hannity! I still don't get it.
SEAN HANNITY: It's not like they want to build a school, a road, or a hospital. That land's going to stay vacant whether or not your cattle are on it or not, right?
SEAN HANNITY (4/9/2014): And by the way, when your cattle graze there, that keeps the price of meat down for every American consumer.
Yeah, most goods are cheaper when you steal the raw materials necessary to make them. (audience laughter) In fact, have you seen the prices at Fell Off A Truck Mart?
(audience laughter)
So apparently Sean Hannity thinks laws are served buffet style, in that you can pick and choose the ones that you like best — the ones that you don't like, you don't have to abide. Well, that's not going to sit well with Fox's immigration/health care law expert/pundit, a Mr. Sean Hannity.
SEAN HANNITY (8/23/2006): You only believe we should obey the laws you want to obey! That's it? Don't obey the laws you don't like. That's all?
SEAN HANNITY (9/5/2006): Why don't you join with me, Juan, and say everybody should obey the law?
SEAN HANNITY (8/13/2013): Tell me how the President can unilaterally pick and choose what parts of the law he's going to uphold, whatever time he chooses.
"I mean, the guy's not even wearing a cowboy hat! The President doesn't get to choose!"
And apparently, selects cowboy hats which laws you're going to obey, like some sort of legal sorting hat.
By the way, that is the worst Harry Potter ever.
(audience laughter)
Or maybe, Sean just respects people who fight for their principles, even after they lose their case in court.
11/27/2007:
SEAN HANNITY: A group of atheists lost their battle with the state of Utah over 14 steel cross highway memorials. ... In case you didn't hear the judge's ruling. You guys lost.
ATHEIST WOMAN: He will... that will be overturned.
SEAN HANNITY: You lost!
Well, I guess unless your friends are armed and ready to have your womenfolk shot. (audience laughter) Now, I know you don't like people scamming off the taxpayer, Sean.
SEAN HANNITY (3/13/2013): My next guest is a California surfer. He lives on food stamps. ... I want you to realize you're taking other people's money, and you're living a selfish life.
First of all, there's no way that that's that fucking guy's hair.
There's just no way. That is young hair, but underneath those glasses, is an old face. And it's too bad surfer dude isn't a cow, otherwise Hannity would be fine with the government paying for his meals. (knowing audience reaction) Also, it would be really cool to see a surfing cow.
It seems like something about this Bundy fella is blinding Hannity to all the things that would normally drive Hannity mad with rage. Is it that hat? Because we can give him a different hat. And you know what? Give him a different hairstyle. And a new shirt. And a pair of devil sticks.
Oh no, he's an Occupy Wall Street protester, trespassing on land that doesn't belong to him!!! Git him, Sean!
SEAN HANNITY (10/13/2011): I don't care if you believe strongly, protester in the day, and then you go home at night and take a shower. ... What right do you have to take over a park and sleep on the street?
Now that's the way you talk to a trespasser... who votes differently than you. How out there is Hannity on this issue?
GLENN BECK (4/14/2014): I have cattle, and I have people that graze on my land. ... Grazing fees are normal, and you stopped paying them. ... There are some people that would say that you are, and if I may quote, "a welfare rancher".
Sean Hannity has now made Glenn Beck the voice of reason. (wild audience laughter and applause)
If you want to challenge the amount of federal land the government owns in the state of Nevada, fine, make your case to the voters. If you want to challenge the concept of grazing fees, fine. But Hannity's puffery and armed friends don't make you a patriot.
CLIVEN BUNDY (4/11/2014): I guess maybe I'm a little bit like the Founding Fathers.
(audience groans in disgust)
Dude, you're a welfare rancher trying to pull off the world's largest cattle dine 'n' dash. We'll be right back.
