But let's get to our top story tonight, America's Immigration Crisis: Kids Edition.
ANNA WERNER (6/21/2014): Since October, 52,000 unaccompanied children have been picked up trying to cross into the U.S.
MIGUEL MARQUEZ (7/12/2014): What's driving these people north is crippling poverty and out-of-control violence in places like Honduras, Guatemala and El Salvador.
Ah, there are kids in trouble. You know what, I was always taught by my parents to follow the Golden Rule. Whenever you see a kid in trouble, yell at them in a language they don't understand.
PROTESTER #1: Go home!!
PROTESTER #2: Not again! Not our problem!
PROTESTER #3: If Obama likes them so much, let them stay at the White House!
That is an interesting suggestion. Although a grown man inviting thousands of kids to his house gives off a little bit of a Neverland Ranch vibe. (audience laughter)
All right, so look, it's not like these countries developed problems overnight. Why the sudden kids-plosion?
SHEPARD SMITH (6/24/2014): Republicans point to the President's 2012 order that protects some children from deportation, but that applies only to those who entered the United States before 2007.
Shit! If I have told kids fleeing violence and poverty once, I've told them a thousand times. Immigrant minors seeking asylum post-2007 must apply at their consulate with form N-400 and a biometrics fee. Then, appear for a series of processing interviews to ascertain priority determination, unless they have family living in the United States, in which case they file form I-130. And then, you file form DS-260 under your NVC case number. Unless, of course, you have skills attractive to an employer. Well, do you? Do you, child fleeing violence and poverty? Because if you do, you're gonna want to go with form I-140. I mean, it's not that difficult. Child. (audience laughter)
Now you may be wondering, if they didn't fill out the forms, can't we just deport these kids? Well first of all, what the fuck is wrong with you? (wild audience cheering and applause) These are children! Why would you even ask that? And second of all, good question. Why can't we just deport them?
ABC NEWS (7/13/2014): A 2008 law signed by President George W. Bush says children from countries not bordering the U.S. cannot be immediately deported.
Stupid liberals! That's why we need a Republican in the White House. Oh.
Well, since we apparently have a process in place, why all the hullabaloo?
NEWS REPORT (7/7/2014): They can appear in court, and make the case for staying.
BROOKE BALDWIN (7/10/2014): Tens of thousand of undocumented and often unaccompanied children are overwhelming federal facilities.
Well, of course, the agents of the Border Patrol are doing what they can to help these kids.
U.S. CUSTOMS & BORDER PROTECTION COMMISSIONER GIL KERLIKOWSKE (6/13/2014): I've watched them do everything from change diapers to heat formula. ... Many of these are single young men who are not particularly good at that, but they're really getting better.
It's all going to be documented in the new hit movie, Three Men and 50,000 Babies.
(audience laughter)
Steve... one of them.... Is that...? Guttenberg's back baby!
So we've got ourselves a genuine humanitarian crisis. Unless someone would like to label it differently.
REP. LOUIE GOHMERT, R-TX (7/11/2014): World English dictionary defines "invasion" ... it's any encroachment or intrusion ... or advent of something harmful, as in a disease.
Ah, Representative Louie Gohmert. He's like Old Faithful, if instead of hot water, it regularly shot out stupid.
REP. LOUIE GOHMERT, R-TX (7/11/2014): In the Constitution, under Article I, Section 8, it says that Congress has the authority to call for the military during times of invasion.
You want the Marines on this one. You want tip of the spear, all right. Now I'm not a military expert, obviously, but generally, an enemy invasion force is not particularly dangerous until it can reach and open its own cereal. (wild audience cheering and applause)
Now, from what I know, even Hitler wasn't always an imminent threat.
(shocked audience laughter)
That's actually someone who works here's child. (audience laughter)
I'm just, I'm waiting for the day when that kid, 20 years from now, just hunts me down, comes to my door, and goes, "Yeah, that's real fucking funny. Yeah, that's real, real funny." (audience laughter and applause)
Anyway, so, humanitarian crisis, response system overwhelmed, where have we seen this before, this... anybody, anybody? Oh, you! Fellow Lone Star Republican Congressman Blake Farenthold.
REP. BLAKE FARENTHOLD, R-TX (7/11/2014): This is President Obama's Katrina.
Well, I believe in this case, it's pronounced "Katariña". (audience laughter)
Although to be fair, when it comes to glaring gaps in what are supposed to be secure barriers...
(audience laughter and cheering)
I think Farenthold knows what he's talking about. In fact, oh my God, hang on, the crisis is so bad, they're everywhere! They're... NOOOOOOO!!!!!
¿Donde está?
All right. You know, I wouldn't be so quick to blame Obama for this flood of immigrants. I mean, maybe they got the idea that America was a great place to come, from some other people.
EX-SEN. SCOTT BROWN, R-MA (7/25/2014): We live in the greatest country in the world.
SEN. RON JOHNSON, R-WI (6/20/2014): ... the greatest nation in the history of mankind.
SEN. JERRY MORAN, R-KS (5/6/2014): ... the strongest, greatest, free-est country.
REP. PHIL GINGREY, R-GA (2/4/2014): ... the greatest health care ...
JOE SCARBOROUGH (1/14/2013): ... the greatest universities, the greatest schools ...
REP. CATHY McMORRIS RODGERS, R-WA (1/29/2014): ... the greatest rise of freedom and opportunity ...
REP. LOUIE GOHMERT, R-TX (4/12/2013): ... greater than Solomon's Israel.
SEN. MARCO RUBIO, R-FL (6/23/2014): ... the single greatest nation in the history of all mankind.
REP. TOM PRICE, R-GA (1/28/2012): ... the greatest country ever.
I don't know about you, but I really feel like fucking an apple pie right now. (wild audience cheering and applause)
Why would you not come to a place that great? In fact, it's why all of our ancestors came to this country, and were themselves originally unwelcome. Because that's the story of America. From Ben Franklin's worry that Germans were ruining Pennsylvania, to our 19th century 60-year ban on the Chinese immigrants who had just finished building our rail system, to our very real and justifiable concerns about the Irish, and their insatiable "applying for jobs".
(audience laughter)
We have always been a nation of immigrants who hate the newer immigrants. Because Lady Liberty may appear to be a beacon to those yearning to breathe free, but the truth is, she's actually a bouncer.
(audience laughter)
We'll be right back.
