But tonight I'd like to talk to you about corporations. Corporations, they're a lot like us—immortal, shielded from liability, accountable only to shareholders. Oh wait, that's the opposite of us. Sorry.
But there is one thing corporations do have in common with the rest of us, they don't like paying taxes. Hate it. Fortunately, they rarely have to. It's the subject of tonight's:
Aw, that's not... no. I did not approve this, and I feel that this is disrespectful in some ways.
OK, that I don't.... Let's go with the first one. Okay, that's fine.
Anyway, this season's hot new tax loophole for corporations—a once obscure tax dodge known as the corporate inversion, which sounds like the business equivalent of gender reassignment. And, it kinda is. It's a liberating procedure for companies that have been raised American, but know in their hearts they're really Irish.
ASHLEY WEBSTER, FOX BUSINESS (7/28/2014): Tax inversions, that's where companies reincorporate overseas simply to cut their U.S. tax bills.
EAMON JAVERS, CNBC (7/28/2014): A company buys a foreign subsidiary, and then through the magic of paperwork, proclaims itself now to be a foreign company, and owned by the subsidiary.
JESSE DRUCKER, BLOOMBERG NEWS (7/9/2014): At the beginning of the day, you're an American company; at the end of the day, you're an Irish company.
Ah, so it's like St. Patrick's Day for corporations. Except instead of beer, they vomit profit.
Corporate inversion is a win-win for everyone. And by "everyone," I mean only the corporation and their shareholders. Congress estimates that inversions will cost the Treasury $19.5 billion dollars over 10 years. But Fortune magazine believes that that estimate is way low. Because Fortune magazine is a communist rag. How do we stop inversion?
ANDREW ROSS SORKIN (7/24/2014): President Obama will support anti-inversion legislation. ... The legislation would mandate that companies must be more than 50% owned by a foreign entity to escape U.S. taxes.
Well, that sounds reasonable, and if President Obama is backing that law, it's probably a done deal. (nervous audience laughter) Just out of curiosity, though, for giggles here, where does the Republican Party stand?
REP. PAUL BROUN, R-GA (7/13/2011): We have the highest corporate tax rate in the world.
SEN. ORRIN HATCH, R-UT (7/17/2014): Our tax code, which is what's causing a lot of these inversions....
SEN. ROB PORTMAN, R-OH (7/25/2014): In a way, these companies are economic refugees.
(confused audience laughter)
Oh, well, if they're refugees, why don't we just stick to our normal policy, and send them back to where they came from? Oh wait, that's here!!
But obviously, bestowing refugee status on multi-billion dollar corporations attempting to maximize profit through globalized tax evasion is entirely appropriate. Let's meet one of these poor corporate waifs—Pennsylvania's Mylan Pharmaceutical.
No, that's an actual refugee. Well, you know what? Let's refugee up the logo a little bit, and then we can....
OK, great, that's nice. (audience laughter)
Where is this poor corporation seeking asylum?
EAMON JAVERS (7/23/2014): This month, Mylan announced that it would incorporate in the Netherlands as part of a tax inversion deal.
Poor generic drug company. Life was so bad for Mylan in the U.S. that it decided to go from Pennsylvania Dutch to... just plain Dutch. (audience laughter)
Well, here are some of the terrible conditions that Mylan faced in their home country. Millions of dollars in oppressive tax credits for things like economic opportunity, for things like industrial expansion, for things like manufacturing investment, for research and development ...
... for something called strategic research and development, which is apparently a whole fucking different thing than regular research and development. We're running out of room.
Super credits against business franchise taxes, super credits against corporate net taxes ...
... even a tax credit for rehabilitating an historic building.
Yes, taxpayers gave a multi-billion dollar generic boner pill company money to artificially prop up an aging structure long past the point that nature meant for it to collapse to rubble. (wild audience laughter and applause) By the way, if that building stands for more than four hours, you may want to call your architect. (audience laughter)
But along with tax credits, the oppressive American regime also forced Mylan to accept $3 billion dollars in sales from just the VA since 2009. Although since it's the VA, I assume those were for ailments from the '90s.
Now, we know how conservatives feel about individuals who take advantage of government programs they're legally entitled to.
SEAN HANNITY (3/13/2014): Remember the surfer dude, lives on food stamps, uses your tax dollars to eat lobster?
BILL O'REILLY (8/12/2013): This guy's a parasite.
DANA PERINO (2/25/2014): Just because you can take advantage of a system, doesn't mean that you should. And I wonder where his parents are.
I believe it's the Netherlands. (audience laughter) Well all right, if that's how you feel about people who take too much advantage of entitlements, how do you feel about corporations who—on a much larger scale and through morally dubious yet entirely legal means—fuck over the United States government, while still enjoying all the infrastructure and security benefits said government provides?
FOX NEWS ANALYST (7/19/2014): The company is more competitive when it puts its legal headquarters overseas.
VIPAL MONGA (7/30/2014): It makes no sense for them to pay a higher tax bill if they can avoid it.
SEN. ORRIN HATCH, R-UT (7/17/2014): They have a fiduciary obligation to their shareholders
FOX BUSINESS ANALYST (7/18/2014): Abbott Labs CEO Miles White ... says essentially, this is legal. ... Kudos to him for standing up as a CEO and taking a stand. You don't often see that.
Oh, kudos! You so rarely see fidouchebags like that defending the policies that make their companies profitable. It's like seeing a unicorn! Stupid unicorns, always eating your garbage at night, scurrying all over the subway, spreading disease and pestilence. I mean, that's.... (listens to earpiece) I'm sorry, I'm being told I'm thinking of rats. That's rats. I always confuse rats with unicorns. It's probably why my daughter's birthday party was such a disaster.
(audience laughter)
Wow, look at my lean body! Dressed in my trademark jeans.
When does this end? When? I say, getting back to the bit. We are constantly giving in to every demand and whim of corporations. And yet they're still not satisfied. They'll never be satisfied. Mylan was paying an effective tax rate in the United States of 16.2 percent in 2013, rather than the 35 percent corporate tax rate that there is. They were enjoying enormous government contracts, the benefits of our NIH research and development, and it's still not enough. They just want, and want, and want, with no concern....
Wait a minute, when was the Citizens United decision? That was 2010, right? That explains it. Corporations have only been people for like four years. They're toddlers.
And by giving in every time they throw a tantrum and threaten to run away from home, we're spoiling these bastards. If we're not careful, these corporations will grow up feral, and turn into something even worse.
Yeah. (audience laughter and applause) If we don't start telling corporations no, they're going to just end up peeing in buckets and trying to sneak monkeys into Germany. Maybe it's time to tell corporations if you want to live under our roof, you play by our rules! So no, Mylan, you can't go to Holland! You're grounded! (audience cheering and applause) We'll be right back.
. Daily Kos gets a mention as well.
