Let me be the first to tell you, YOU FAILED! CIA with all your pretty little talky talk — Enhanced Interrogation Techniques MY ASS. Well no wonder you spineless shits didn’t succeed. Real men TORTURE and we’re PROUD of it.
Rectal feeding — come-on. Nobody gonna talk because you put a spoon up his ass. Some guys might even like that shit. Not me, NO. NO I don’t even think about stuff going up my b-hole… that’s how much of a man I am. I never think of it or ever even would, not in a million years. I’m just saying, if you’re gonna put something up a guys ass to make him talk, you either use a finger or a sledge hammer, depending on what you want him to say. You don’t use a g-damn spoon or a nozzle or a sippy cup.
And this “Hanging by your arms in a “forced stress” position for days”. Come on, we’ve been torturing people since the middle ages. We can have iPods, but torture hasn’t made any progress? NO WONDER THEY TOLD YOU LIES — They were probably like “Oh, hanging by my arms in a stress position for days — that is so 1600s. What heathens.”
Common — were the USA! #1 #1 #! — go call up Steve Jobs and get him to help you make a better torture device. Think Different for fucks sake. 500 years of torture and you’ve got nothing new. BORING! How do you expect to capture our attention? And put a Monster Truck in there somewhere. American’s love Monster Trucks.
Waterboarding: Sure we caught a lot of nasty witches that way… 200+ friggin’ years ago. But times were simpler then. Today, we have to process people effectively and quickly. Think Death Panels. Quick, efficient, government-run death panels. Pouring water down someone’s windpipe might be great as dental hygienists technique, but it ain’t gonna make a hardened sheep herder give up where he last saw some guy in a beard!
Effective? MY STINKING ASS!
If you found it so effective, why did you STOP with all this lightweight, out of date technology? Right, because the CIA is basically a bunch of school girls. And not the mean school girls either. If it was effective, you would have gone further — slit some eyeballs or chopped off their fingers one by one. (I've seen that in a movie and it really works!) Or you could have threatened to rape and kill their families — oh, you did that too and it didn’t earn you any points. RIGHT Because that was a trick suggestion I just gave you. You don’t THREATEN to rape and kill their families. You just do it. Because money talks and bullshit walks. Then, once they have lost everything and a few limbs, you can believe anything they tell you.
In case you lost track—last time I checked we were still fighting terrorists. So some big fucking help you've been!
Effective. I’ll tell you what’s effective, a nuclear fucking device. Now that’s effective. The CIA should round up all the suspects and just set off one big H-bomb. Problem solved and the world would instantly become a safer, happier place. Furgeson could use the same solution. If you think about it hard enough, you can imagine all kinds of uses for an H-bomb.
You guys. You didn’t even try. You were so worried about Covering Your Asses and what someone quaint person in Geneva was going to do at the next convention, that you stopped being men. Last time I checked CIA was spelled C. I. A. not CYA.
Losers.
Next time I hirer someone to torture people, it’s gonna be a Christian Group. Now, there’s a group that knows how to torture.
There, I changed the title.