From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Bill 'O Rights Top Ten Countdown
223 years ago, on December 15, 1791, the Bill of Rights was ratified. Let's take a moment for our annual review of The Precious:
I. You can say anything you want except "Fire!" falsely in a crowded theatre or "Let's elect Ben Carson President" seriously in a crowded room of people with functioning brains;
You can peaceably assemble in public spaces to call out the government when it's acting badly, but we reserve the right to pepper-spray you in the face, zip-tie your hands behind your back and haul your ass off to jail if we feel like it;
The press has the freedom to treat the statements and policies of the left and the right as equally valid because we know you gotta sell papers and/or clobber the competition in the ratings and/or achieve your daily clickbait goals;
Bonus right: The United States is technically neutral on religion, except for prayers in Congress, and invocations at inaugurations, and language in proclamations, and at the end of political speeches, and during the Pledge of Allegiance, and in assorted draft legislation, and on your money, and...oh, never mind.
True fact: ours is the only
scratch 'n sniff Constitution.
III. You don’t have to let soldiers in your house. But police dressed like Seal Team Six can bust down your door any old time.
IV. Prohibits searches and seizures without a warrant unless the information is gathered via a government-approved telecommunications company which is paid by your tax dollars to suck up all your communications like a vacuum cleaner and spit it out at the NSA, where an agent will sort through it all, including your porn.
V. The amendment to invoke when your lawyer knows you're in deep shit.
VI. You have a right to a trial by a jury of your peers. Also called the Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid amendment.
VII. Another jury-related amendment, this one requiring at least one juror to question the old lady's eyesight at the moment she claims to have witnessed the crime through the windows of a moving train.
VIII. No cruel or unusual punishment shall be authorized by anyone except whoever happens to become the 20th Republican Vice President.
IX. You have a lot more rights than these ten, but Jefferson lost the master list and we're kinda scrambling here at the last minute. So sue us. No, seriously. Sue us.
X. States don’t gotta do nuthin' if they don't wanna, and if you don’t agree then we're gonna secede. Also known as the Sore Loser amendment.
And we all lived happily ever after.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 15, 2014
Note: Okay, okay. You can open one Hanukkah present early. I hope you like it---it's a coupon good for one free gift of your choice if one of your Hanukkah gifts turns out to be socks or a pencil. Molotov!
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38 days!!!
Days 'til NASA's
Horizon spacecraft gets close enough to Pluto to start taking measurements:
31
Days 'til Minnesota's
St. Paul Winter Carnival:
38
Expected average per-gallon price of gas in 2015:
$2.60
(Source: Energy Department)
Percent of Americans who are white, Hispanic and African-American, respectively:
74%, 16.6%, 12.6%
(Source: Census Bureau)
Expected year during which cathode ray tubes will stop being produced on planet earth:
2015
(Source:
The Portland Press Herald)
Number times the average person checks their smartphone per day:
150
(Source:
The Week)
Amount of annual jewelry sales that happen in December:
19%
(Source:
Houston Chronicle)
Totally Random NFL Score
New England Patriots 41 Miami Dolphins 13
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Your Monday Robin Williams Moment
"And what's Dubya doing now? He's a motivational speaker. That's kind of like having Lindsay Lohan as a guidance counselor."
"Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift."
"I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick."
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Jeebus. When people find me in a dumpster they call the garbage truck and ask if it can come early.
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"Rising sea levels?
What rising sea levels?"
to making a bit of progress. Well, that was fun! The U.N. climate-calamity summit in Lima is over, and much C02 was expended for little gain, but it could've been worse. This time around, all the countries agreed to
submit a plan by next year for reducing carbon emissions. But, of course, the plans are voluntary, they have no standards to follow, no external review process, and no penalties for non-compliance. On the other hand, everyone at the summit got a coffee mug that says "World's Greatest Agreer In Principle." A promising start. Same time next year?
CHEERS to takin' it to the streets. Huge protests over the weekend in NYC, DC and cities across the country as tens of thousands of people---including parents and families of children and adults killed by police without cause---continue filling the sails of the #BlackLivesMatter movement. Here's a time-lapse video of the march through New York City:
Protesters chanted slogans like "Hands Up, Don't Shoot," "I Can't Breathe" and, toward the end of the marches, "What do we want? Port-o-Potties! When do we want 'em? Now!"
If Dr. Murthy is confirmed,
the NRA loses bigtime.
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to the brotherhood of boneheads. Senator Ted Cruz and his conjoined Utah twin, Mike Lee, forced the senate to stay open through the weekend so they could have more time to bloviate and stomp their feet in a meaningless gesture of…something something something that ended up getting voted down 22-75. But their short-sighted shenanigans had long-term benefits for Team Democrat, as they
allowed Harry Reid to slip in 24 judicial and executive-branch nominations for approval (including long-blocked Surgeon General nominee Vivek Murthy) that otherwise would've gotten sidelined by lack of time on the clock. The weekend marathon session is the silver lining in a flurry of activity that included passage of a terrible budget that left ordinary Americans choking on a bunch of poison pills. I'll say this about Murthy: I hope he's familiar with the Heimlich maneuver.
Sadly, this isn't covered by
flexible spending accounts.
to running out of time. Just a little reminder that if you have a flexible spending account as part of your health insurance plan, it's likely that you'll lose whatever money you have socked away if you don’t
spend it within the next 16 days. Some things that are usually eligible: birth control, smoking cessation, cold remedies (NyQuil: humankind's greatest gift to itself), contact lens solution...stuff like that. But if your remaining balance is sizable enough, we'd advise you to buy something that'll deliver the most bang for your pre-tax buck: senators.
P.S. Today is the last day to enroll in a new 2015 Obamacare health plan in time to start coverage on January 1st. I compared plans Saturday (the web site was zippy and glitch-free) and stayed with the basic silver plan I have now. But they're charging me twenty cents more per month. I wonder if they'll notice that my signature says "Impeach Obama."
That is one expensive tassel.
to kids who are in for a rude surprise. A new report says that a majority of American college freshmen have
no idea how much tuition debt they're taking on. It's a disturbing contrast to the 100 percent of students in Germany who know exactly how much tuition debt they're taking on. In fairness, however, it's not that difficult to remember the number
"zero."
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Five years ago in C&J: December 15, 2009
CHEERS to unions for same-sex yodelers. Great---now it's Austria that's kicking our butts. While the U.S. grants nothing tangible to gay couples at the federal level, the country that spawned Der Fuhrer has approved civil unions...admittedly with some strings:
Austrian civil unions are not equal to marriage, since CU'd couples aren't allowed to adopt or use artificial insemination, and couples have to register in the coat closet rather than the regular registry office. Still, this is a huge and excellent start. We know that these prohibitions will fall away in time.
In other words, the Austrian parliament just sent the message: "You’re here, you're queer, and we've started the process of getting used to it." Danke schon.
P.S. On December 15, 1973, the American Psychiatric Association declared that gay people are not "mentally ill." But they still officially maintain that being a Log Cabin Republican is "just weird."
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And just one more…
I think this is the loon we adopted.
to our new feathered friend. Well, it's official: Friday, on behalf of all you wonderful C&Jers, I purchased the sponsorship of a Minnesota loon from Maine's
Biodiversity Research Institute, but not before 2,300 of you first voted on her official name:
Claire da Loon. Special congrats to Kossack The Marti for submitting the winning name. In the next week or so we expect our packet of info on our newly-adopted kiddie pool splasher. For the record, I chose "The Governor" after I decided that my first choice, "Loony Gohmert" would be too cruel to the loon. The one with the feathers, I mean.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Children have to suppress everything that they can see in Cheers and Jeers to try to get a world view that's compatible with the adults in who they trust and rely on for sustenance."
---Bill Nye
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