The New England Patriots pointed to a study released today which they say shows that the alleged deflation of footballs in recent games was not due to human causes.
"It's just natural variation," explains the executive summary of the study. "Footballs have had different inflation pressures for thousands of years."
The study was released today by the Edelman research firm, which usually focuses on swatting away the damaging efforts of environmentalists to impede progress. "It's a little different than our normal work, but we saw an opportunity to protect an American business from overzealous conspiracy theorists," their spokesperson said.
Economist Bjorn Lomborg, who contributed to the study, said "It's really a question of where teams choose to put their resources. Do they want to whine about alleged rule breaking, or should they focus on better pass defense?"
"This whole case is just an excuse to impose over-regulation and Soviet style collectivism on the game," put in Newt Gingrich. "Teams supply their own footballs - that's a market-based solution. If the league insists on measuring ball pressure, or even executing a takeover of the ball supply, where will it end?"
"And don't let scientists get hold of this one," Gingrich added. "They will parley this into grants for season-long tailgating "research" junkets to all the best games at taxpayer expense."
The American Enterprise Institute provided a supporting statement. "Out of all the teams in the league, it's normal variation that one of them is going to have an insanely low rate of fumbles, year after year. And that team happens to be the Patriots. It's only envious carping to complain if their excellence has led them to be the best One Percent of all teams ever in avoiding fumbles."
Unfortunately, the release of the study was marred by a conversation caught in a live microphone at an industry conference. Edelman Vice President Lauri Hennessey was heard appearing to mock people who might be concerned about fair play, saying "When I'm talking to people in Seattle, of course I say I'm concerned about ball deflation. They're pretty wacky out there."
Still, Senator James Inhofe was quick to embrace the study. "This deflation scare is all a hoax," He declared. "It's arrogance to presume that any person can control the pressure to which a football is inflated. Some things are just up to God. Patriots means America, and America means God. So whatever inflation was in those balls, we should just accept it."
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady also invoked powerful patriotic images to lay the controversy to rest. "America loves a winner," he said. ""America loves results. And from a results point of view, not getting caught is the same as not cheating. Right?"
References
Thanks to northwest Washington photographer and environmental educator Paul K Anderson for the idea that led to this diary.
The original quote from the (real) Lauri Hennessey from Edelman was in part:
I was speaking to the audience in Seattle, and I was like, “Well of course we're concerned about climate change. Everyone's concerned about climate change. But what we're saying is this is not going to contribute to climate change.”
But someone from Peabody got on a call, it was my second week on the job, and said, “You were quoted saying coal’s worried about climate change? We don't believe in climate change!” And I remember I was on the phone and I was like, “I can't say that..ha. I can't say that in Seattle!”
Also -
check out this diary by Calvino Partigiani that is about a real scandal in the NFL, bigger than Ballghazi.