April 17, 2015
G. S. Croft
With both the House and Senate now under Republican control, Republicans are taking steps to fulfill their promise to voters to reduce wasteful government spending. In a ‘lead by example’ move, Republicans have announced that they will shoulder some of the cuts themselves by replacing their high-maintenance restroom urinals with much more cost-effective veterans.
Indeed, the CBO reports that the cost of maintaining the working environment for the House and Senate; “Exceeds reasonable expectations”, and, “Is tantamount to the level of maintenance of spoiled pop-stars.”.
One Congressman told us: “We have a duty to the taxpayer to make sure their money is going to worthy programs and causes. The exorbitant minimum wages we’ve been paying the maintenance staff here are one of the places we can really get control of that spending issue.”
When asked ‘Why veterans?’, the Congressman had this to say, “Well, we’re looking at solving two problems here: finding jobs for veterans and cutting expenses. This works out perfectly because our veterans need to be put to use, and since they’re already quite used to us pissing on them figuratively, it’s a very easy transition for them to become our urinals. The best part?”, He said, “They clean themselves at the end of the day... so we don’t have to hire anyone else to do it!”
The Congressman went on to give examples of the many veterans benefits and programs that Republicans have killed, thereby acclimatizing US veterans for the job of quite literally being pissed on.
The Congressman did not have specific information about when the replacement plan would be put into effect, but explained that there were even more ambitious plans for the congressional bathrooms that are sure to satisfy their Republican base; “We’re also going to replace the toilets. We have to do something with all those Mexicans, after all.”