I have a heavy heart this evening.
I've been living back in Wisconsin coming up on three months now, and nothing much has changed since I left over 20 years ago. It is the same Green Bay, the same unnecessary judgments, the same stares, the same inevitably angry people, the same construct of ignorance, the same sameness. They are Exactly The Same, although I have grown and thrived and had remarkably different life experiences while I was away.
Tonight, I had an extremely upsetting argument with my best friend of 40 years. 40 years. We have known each other since kindergarten, me and Celine. We have never been mirrors of each other but, instead, fit together like pieces of a puzzle: where she was lacking, I would fill in the blanks. Where I was negligent, she would inform. Our life outlooks have always been somewhat opposite, but Celine and I made up for it by completing each others' sentences and making each other roar with laughter.
There was a shift in this dynamic tonight, and not in the good way.
Celine and her adorable husband, Rob, came over late this afternoon to share dinner and good conversation. Celine and I generally agree not to talk politics with each other because, even though she has long been a registered Democrat, she voted for Scott Walker in '14 and I am still not over it. Although she recently admitted to me that she regretted her vote for Walker because he's cutting the education budget (duh!), she knows I'm still pissed at her for it.
And all was fine today, and we were enjoying the great food and the comfortable talk, until she had to broach the subject of how pleased as punch she was that the NRA had donated a bunch of motherfucking weapons to the Boy Scouts.
See, Celine is a Scout Leader. Because she was involved in Girl Scouts growing up, and really came to love the organization and all it did for her, she eventually went on to give birth to two boys - and, thus, her affiliation with the Boy Scouts began.
I have been fairly silent about her association with the Boy Scouts, due to her sincere love of providing her own children with all that she enjoyed growing up. Who am I to deny Celine that? I mean, seriously - she's a Scout Leader because she has kids who identify as males, and she wants to help out. Celine has a big heart, is wonderful with children, and only wants to see her sons (and their friends) succeed in every possible way.
But, after Celine started waxing poetic about how the NRA had donated all these fun killing machines to young children, with the insincere goal of helping secure the boys' "safety and marksmanship skills", my head started to throb the same way it does when I inadvertently channel surf and come across Ann Coulter spewing venom on Fox News. I knew, right then, we were gonna go toe-to-toe, and the outcome wouldn't be pretty.
I began slowly, by asking what Merit Badges were all about. Celine explained that there were crucial Merit Badges to go from one Scout level to the next, that each child would need to complete, and these all seemed remarkably pertinent to me: camping, cooking, being a good citizen, volunteering, personal responsibility, personal finance, etc. All of those made complete sense to me.
Then, Celine admitted that there were a number of optional badges a Scout could receive for anything that peaked his fancy: video games, hiking, engineering, etc. Again, all of those made sense to me, even if a few were (IMHO) a complete waste of time. Whatever, they're hobbies, ya know? Let the kids do whatever they want to do, as long as it's constructive.
But, when she got to the topic of shooting, my eyes glazed over. Celine tried to explain the requirements for target practice, stance, gun cleaning, etc., as if any of this means anything. Earlier in the day, we had been discussing Ted Nugent, because that douchebag lives a few miles away (or used to, anyway) from where Celine and Rob got married in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
Our conversation went something like this:
Me: Guns are lethal. Why would the Scouts provide these weapons to children?
C: Well, the NRA is big on marksmanship and safety. They give us the guns, but they can't tell us how to use them.
Me: No one gets anything for free, Celine. They have an agenda in mind, and I don't think it's as benevolent as you believe it to be.
C: Oh? And what is their agenda?
Me: Fear of The Other.
C: I think you're being paranoid.
Me: Really? Because, even though the NRA provided all these weapons to the Boy Scouts, you don't believe they have an ultimate goal in mind?
C: Shiz, they focus on target shooting. They focus on safety and being a responsible gun owner.
Me: I think you are missing the forest for the trees. That's not their aim, Celine. The NRA doesn't give a shit about Boy Scouts, or kids, except that they grow up to be gun advocates, gun manufacturers, or gun dealers.
C: You seriously think that?
Me: I do. They are grooming your own children to become Ted Nugent.
C (rolling her eyes): Oh, my God.
Me: Did you not see Bowling for Columbine? Remember Charleton Heston, "they can pry my gun from my cold, dead hands"?
C: The Boy Scouts are a good organization. All they want to do is help boys to become men and excellent members of society.
Me: Well, that's not exactly true. They hate gay people, too.
C: (thinking) Alright, then just for the purposes of this discussion.
Me: Celine, I do not deny that you are an excellent Scout Leader. I think you want to honestly help the kids, and I love that. But you cannot pretend that the Boy Scouts don't take conservative public stances. The NRA is not a good organization, and it's not something to be proud of, that they donate all these weapons to kids.
C: I think it's time we stop talking about this now.
I am in an impossible situation here, in the Land of Cheese. I don't even understand it. Everyone thinks I'm being too "sensitive" to political issues, but that's only because they pay exactly
zero attention to politics,
as if it somehow doesn't effect them or their lives. As if they are somehow immune from the dealings of lthe Wisconsin legislature or Scott Walker, or on the federal level. As if the NRA isn't the #1 goddamned lobby in America. As if LGBT rights aren't
persona non grata with many states in our nation.
As if ignoring the obvious will just go.the.fuck.away.
As if I am just something to be subdued, ignored, placated. "Don't pay attention to the The One Liberal Girl in Green Bay. She's an outlier, and she'll be moving back to Colorado in a few years anyway, so who cares?" Is there not ONE family member or friend here in Green Bay who will fight for me, for my equal rights? I would fight for them, if anyone attempted to quash their opinions or their rights.
But ... I'm in the same sameness. No one cares, no one wants to get involved, I'm too sensitive, I need to learn to take a joke.
I am the one needle in the haystack, and there are no other needles.