I'm right here! What more do you want of me?
An embarrassment of riches is what it is. It used to be that your hard-core theocrats and leaders of "Christian" hate groups would have to make do with a Rick Santorum, but with the new prominence of Batshit Insane people thrust into office by a Republican base that demands ever-greater levels of batshit purity from their candidates,
there are plenty of contenders.
Around 200 of the country’s most influential evangelicals will huddle on Friday and Saturday in hopes of coalescing their support around a single Republican presidential candidate.
The Council for National Policy, a secretive group of Christian donors, activists, and leaders that is currently overseen by Tony Perkins, the president of the Family Research Council, will meet behind closed doors at the Ritz-Carleton in McLean, Va. Over the two day period, they are expected to hear from a handful of 2016 hopefuls who are eager to woo them, including Carly Fiorina, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Bobby Jindal and Mike Huckabee.
There really is nothing that would pry Republican politicians off Tony Perkins, is there? The organization he heads exists to promote factless screeds against LGBT Americans and new laws to allow persecution against them, but they'll flock to his doorstep because he can deliver the votes of creepy bigots that no national Republican candidate can win without.
All right, for the sake of expediency let's help out a bit. First off, anyone pitching Bobby Jindal is delusional, you can ignore those folks straightaway. I'm not sure how Carly Fiorina fits with this crowd at all, since the most Jesusy thing she ever did was the Miracle of the Layoffs and Sweet Severance Pay. Of the three remaining, the only decision to be made is whether you want a frothing lunatic that has no chance of winning the presidency or a more boring lunatic who has no chance of winning the presidency. Mike Huckabee will wear his freak flag proudly; Ted Cruz likes to pretend at being an intellectual, which for Ted Cruz consists of saying outlandish things in his best door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman voice, and Marco Rubio is Ted Cruz without the charisma.
So I'd say go with Huckabee, simply because that'd be the most entertaining for the rest of us. Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz may say all the right anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-liberal, anti-Muslim things, but only Mike Huckabee will stand on a beach ball and juggle chainsaws while he says them.