Dr. Flembitter of Liberty University
It strikes without warning -- one moment a person appears normal and healthy but barely an instant later becomes infected. Children are its most common victims with onset of the disease appearing as early as 3 or 4 years of age. School playgrounds are typical points of transmission.
Adults are not safe either. Although infection in adulthood is rare, many adults remain carriers of the contagion which struck them in their early years and have been known to pass it on to the next generation of our precious youngsters.
Fortunately, in many cases it is self-limiting. Sufferers have sometimes been relieved to discover that they are infection-free after a period of time. But until now, there has no been certain cure for all of the afflicted. Now there is hope.
The story of this miraculous breakthrough continues below the orange curlicue.
The name of this terrifying infection? Cutius invisibilus, or in layman's terms, "the cooties."
Dr. Obadiah Flembitter, Chair of Biblical Science at Liberty University, has been researching this affliction for nearly two decades. He tells of his frustrating quest for knowledge.
We almost gave up on isolating and identifying the elusive infectious agent after 17 years without success. We had tried all of the known Old Testament substances as reagents to mark the organism but none worked: balm of Gilead, myrrh, even oil of Cedars of Lebanon.
Then, with a flash of inspiration that the scientist is certain came from Above, he thought of the children.
It turns out God's littlest angels are the key to solving this puzzle. Truly the Lord works in mysterious ways!
Children are apparently 100% successful in identifying carriers of cooties. By limiting the next phase of their work to those positively identified by at least 3 children as cootie-infested, Dr. Flembitter's team began efforts to find a cure.
We're thrilled to announce that prayer has a 100% effective cure rate for cutius invisibilus. After even a single prayer, there remains no trace of cooties in a formerly afflicted person. Pray-the-cooties-away really works!
Dr. Flembitter will next turn to the vexing problem of Teh Gay. He realizes that it is likely to be an even greater challenge.
Sadly, pray-the-gay-away never worked, no matter how much we hoped. We never achieved a single cure.
He tells us that there is at least one promising new avenue of investigation, however.
We have had some limited success in abating Teh Gay with the formula "Circle, circle, bell, bell, evil sinners go to hell" but its duration is quite limited. A single Friday night goes by and Teh Gay returns with a vengeance.
So those who had previously retired to their homes to draw the shutters in fear of the cooties can now venture forth again. It is even safe to attend events like weddings, where possibly the bride or groom is cootie-infested. If you catch it, there is a sure-fire, or perhaps hellfire, cure.
But don't get too complacent. Be sure to avoid gay weddings or even bakeries that cater to the sinners. Teh Gay still has the power to transform you against your will into a chaps-wearing, show tune-singing leather daddy faster than you can eat a slice of gay wedding cake.