Yep, I made that statement in a room full of regularly attending church goers. There's a theological difference between a "good person" and a "Christian" that's lost on the average person. My point was wound up in many things that have to do with my history of child sexual abuse, my sister's horrific rape experience and the horrible way many "Christians" approach both child sexual abuse and rape. (Consider this statement your trigger warning because I'm not pulling any punches in this diary.) The unnecessary shaming, covering up the incidents, the constant doubting along side "seductress" accusations, the public and private outings including some jerk sanctimoniously giving my sister and me advice is simply galling. You name it, it was said to us.
This week's revelations concerning Josh Duggar could have been triggering, but I've been [cynically] expecting something like this to come out of the Duggar camp for some time. I'm grieving for these women Josh Duggar confessed to abusing. They were subjected to a cover up by the "responsible" adults privy to the situation. I grieve for them because the crimes committed against them are outed for the world to see and judge, but they will never get a conviction because of the collusion to obstruct justice.
IMO many religions give men (and yes, I mean men) unearned power and strip women of the ability to defend themselves. I'm well versed in all things Eve, Lot's daughters, Potiphar, the misogynous laws of Moses and am quite comfortable getting into a scriptural quote fest. We went to church every Sunday including when we went on vacations. I often went to Bible camps, lay witness missions, church choir competitions, youth weekends for years. None of that protected me from the sexual predators in our circle of family and friends. A lot of it set me up for the abuse to occur. As a female I was simply less than male. Not as smart, not as able and not as honest. Today, I say bullshit on that.
Religiosity was the main impediment in my family believing I was molested. When feeling charitable, my family thought like Eve, I was deceived. When they were being vicious, I was like Potiphar, a damned liar. Either way, the assault was still my fault. My family didn't want to "choose a side". It was best to keep it quiet. Best for me? or best for the perp? I'm still not sure. Once they came around to believing me, then the message changed to "you need to forgive and forget this ever happened". My back story doesn't mean I know exactly what happened within the Duggar home, but it does give me insight. I know the evangelical community. I interact with it regularly. I know the mindset and the talking points about child sexual abuse and rape. Too few get good advice. Too many get seriously fucked up advice. No, I don't know how these women feel, but I do know how I feel every time I read about child sexual assault within an observant religious family. I want to throw up.
Josh's confession isn't very specific as he only admits to:
"Twelve years ago, as a young teenager I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends."
Although we don't know the specifics of what he's confessing to, I do believe that's enough for me to remove the word "alleged" from this diary. Feel free to disagree, but I know prosecutors who would make that statement stick.
What bothers me as Josh Duggar's confessed predator story rolls out is that there's too much about Josh and not enough about the girls - young women, today. Chances are they don't want the attention, but that gives Josh cover. One of the women went to court yesterday, to ask the court to order the police department to destroy the documentation concerning her molestation as she is concerned an unredacted copy of the incident will be leaked to the media. The judge concurred with her concerns and issued the order. I respect her decision, but gosh, I wish she had the guts of Emma Sulkowicz.
Part of me understands her caution. I wouldn't want to be known as Josh Dugger's sex toy either. The other part of me rages internally that she shouldn't have to actively pursue her anonymity. However, if her name was known, then someone would then go combing through her past looking for salacious details to add "context". I get it. Not everyone wants to be out there.
The Duggar sisters have a more difficult problem. They can't hide. Were they one of Josh's victims? Concern trolls will want to know and satisfy their prurient interests. Because this sexual contact is outside of marriage; these girls will be shamed behind their backs and to their faces by strangers and close family who feel entitled to judge. They will have the revolting experience of some ignorant busybody telling them they need to pray for the forgiveness of their sexual sins at the hands of their brother. Josh still might come out fine. He "confessed" and is forgiven. Mike Huckabee is standing with Josh. The girls? I don't see anyone standing by them (not that they want to be on the world's stage, mind you). They got the message that they should forgive and forget and most of all, don't talk about it. The fantasy of one of the Duggar sisters getting in front of a camera and screaming at her brother or father "You disgust me you motherfucker!" will not likely happen. It doesn't fit the quiverfull notion of proper female comportment.
What's worse for the Duggar daughters is that now the show is off the air the family's loss of income will further distress the family. It is highly likely the abused sisters will somehow be blamed for the family's disgrace. Never mind these incidents might have happened to girls too young to know what was happening (like as young as 4 years old) or asleep during the incidents. Somehow, in the mind of an observant "Christian", these girls should have put the kibosh on Josh's sexual advances.
Someone who knew the facts committed names and dates to a letter and stuck it into a book in the Duggar home. In 2006, the book was lent out to someone who found the letter around the time the family was going to be on Oprah. The finder emailed Oprah, her staff informed the child services hotline, they started an official investigation that went no where because Jim Bob got Josh a lawyer, InTouch magazine did a FOIA request for the 2006 investigation and here we are. Josh Duggar made a half assed confession now that the police report is available for all to see. I'm willing to bet real money that there's some serious gnashing of teeth going on in the Duggar home today. Whoever lent out that book without seeing and removing the letter is on the hot seat. If that letter had been found by a Duggar, we would likely never had heard about any of Josh's confessed abuses. After all, they colluded to keep it quiet for 10 years.
I don't care about other people's sex lives, but I sure do care about child sexual assault. I became a better person when I became less obsessed with the concept of sin and more intent upon living well, being kind to others and enjoying life's treasures. Amazingly, I live a more spiritual life today than I ever did as an avid church goer. I'm less obsessed with the "lawlessness" of others and more focused on making the world around me a little nicer. But, child sexual assault? That's something I can't let pass anymore. That shit's got to go and I'm royally pissed off Josh Duggar (with the help of his parents) is getting away with [allegedly] fucking a bunch of girls over.
To that end my hope is for the Duggar sisters and close friends abused by Josh find real loving support if and when they are ready to talk about their experiences and real friends who will respect their silence if they don't want to talk about it. I hope they can find less judgey sources to discuss religion. I hope they find real, competent, mental health resources should they want or need them. I hope the girls can keep their dignity, keep their cool and live free.
12:37 PM PT: Thank you for placing this on the Rec list. This diary pretty much wrote itself. Thanks again for reading
