Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

A Dark and Stormy Night in the Kiddie Pool

It's a highlight of my year---plopping down in a Victorian wingback chair with a frosty beverage and basking in the brilliant badness of the winning entries in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest---"a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." The Class of 2015 was just announced by the English department at San Jose State University. A sample:

The contest is named after
Edward Bulwer-Lytton, the
English writer and politician.

After weeks at sea, Captain Fetherstonhaugh and his hardy crew had at last crossed the halfway point, and he mused that the closest dry land now lay in the Americas, assuming of course that it was not raining there.
---David Laatsch, Baton Rouge, LA (Winner, Adventure)

“My name is Vangir," the stout dwarf announced, "son of Valdir, son of Tolfdir, son of Torsson, heir to the dwarf kingdom of Darag-Vur, King of the Under-Folk, ring-giver, dragon-slayer, M.D., DDS.
---Austin Stollhaus, Louisville, KY (Dishonorable Mention, Fantasy)

As he caressed her hair, cheek, forehead, chin, collarbone, shoulder, upper arm, and stomach, she knew that her decision to take Octoman as a lover was the correct one.
---Lynda Clark, Nottingham, UK (Dishonorable Mention, Romance)

Sherlock Holmes brusquely dismissed his companion’s theory that the victim had died from an allergic reaction to either seasoning or seafood, saying “Watson, although the problem is alimentary, it is neither the Thyme nor the Plaice.”
---Owen Roberts, Edina, MN (Dishonorable Mention, Vile Puns)

You can read the full list, including the grand prize winner, here. Preferably while a dog barks in the distance.

Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 14, 2015

Note: Sunday is National Rum Day. Since it must be Sunday somewhere on earth already, I invite you to my Tiki hut with good buddy and tonight's co-host Bacardi 151. Do say hi. We'll be the ones in the corner making outrageous accusations at a lamp.

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7 days!!!

By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Charlotte Pride parade, where attendance is expected to top 100,000: 2
Days 'til Lebowski Fest Milwaukee 2015: 7
Years since the projected full-year U.S. budget deficit has been as low as this year's: 8
Expected drop in electricity production from coal-fired power plants this year: 10%
(Source: AP)
Polio cases around the world this year, down from half a million in 1980: 34
(Source: FiveThirtyEight)
Estimated value of Vox Media, which just got a $200 million investment by NBCUniversal: $1 billion
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
Years between the time Margot Bachmann and her mother were separated by the Nazis and reunited Saturday: 71

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  Suitable for framing…

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CHEERS to Running history up the flagpole and saluting.  The U.S. Embassy officially re-opened in Havana, Cuba after a…oh, let's call it a brief 54-year lull in diplomatic relations. The gentlemen who presented the flag to the Marine detachment are the retired Marines who lowered the flag in 1961.  Here's the big moment:

I hope you learned your lesson, Fidel!  Whatever it was.

CHEERS to America's favorite safety net.  On today's date in 1935, President Franklin Roosevelt gave us one less thing to fear by signing the Social Security Act into law, saying:

Is this guy still on the
terrorist watch list?

"We can never insure one hundred percent of the population against one hundred percent of the hazards and vicissitudes of life, but we have tried to frame a law which will give some measure of protection to the average citizen and to his family against the loss of a job and against poverty-ridden old age. […]

The law will flatten out the peaks and valleys of deflation and of inflation. It is, in short, a law that will take care of human needs and at the same time provide for the United States an economic structure of vastly greater soundness."

Today a frighteningly high portion of the Republican base regards Social Security as the brainchild of a dirty effing commie hippie.  But when they hit retirement age and start getting their checks in the mail, their sudden silence will be deafening.  And then they'll start complaining that their commie hippie checks aren't big enough.  And then they'll actively work to prevent the commie hippie program from being privatized by the evil Republicans.  Run that by your local annoying wingnut next time he says evolution doesn't exist.

CHEERS to a hot time in the Hawkeye State.  Skies will be sunny and the air will be hot in Iowa this weekend, and for the latter you can thank the vats of bubbling fat and roving gangs of bloviating politicians at the legendary State Fair.  A million people are expected there this weekend:

Don't worry. This won't
come back to haunt you.

The audience at the fair is consistently a mixed bag, meaning that Republican candidates will be faced with Democratic opposition and visa-versa for Democratic candidates. Consequently, candidates will interact with everyday people who love them and they must decide how to confront (or not) everyday people who loathe them. In years past the bellicose hecklers have presented a minefield for candidates. […]

During his soapbox appearance in 2011, Republican candidate Mitt Romney got in a yelling standoff with a heckler over Social Security taxes which led him to say "corporations are people, my friend." That single line lived with Romney throughout his campaign.

Another tradition that will be on full display is the awkward eating of the corn dogs.  People really love watching the candidates stuff their faces.  Mainly because it shuts them up for a few blessed minutes.

JEERS to America's #1 Defeatocrat.  Twenty-one years ago this brilliant comment was made and then greeted with sweets and flowers by the speaker's party members and corporate admirers.  It's worth revisiting, especially in light of Jeb Bush's dishonest blame-Obama-first "policy speech" on Iraq this week.  Guess who said it:

Hint: it's this fun-
loving guy here.
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Once you got to Iraq and took it over---took down Saddam Hussein's government---then what are you going to put in its place?  That's a very volatile part of the world, and if you take down the central government of Iraq, you could very easily end up seeing pieces of Iraq fly off.  Part of it, the Syrians would like to have to the west.  Part of it---eastern Iraq---the Iranians would like to claim; they fought over it for eight years.  In the north you've got the Kurds, and if the Kurds spin loose and join with the Kurds in Turkey then you threaten the territorial integrity of Turkey.

It's a quagmire if you go that far and try to take over Iraq.

Barack Obama?  Howard Dean?  Elizabeth Warren?  Nope.  It was Dick Cheney…in 1994.  Dick should've listened to Dick.  Bad Dick, bad.

JEERS to GOP family values.  Republican party standard bearer Donald Trump's misogynist comments about Fox News debate moderator Megyn Kelly were met with unified condemnation from the GOP's (admittedly hypocritical) VIPs.  Well, almost unified.  An NRA board member and musician beloved by conservatives says Trump was right to call Kelly a bimbo who lobbed tough questions at him because she was menstruating.  And that's not all that Ted Nugent had to say:

Trump's newest adviser.

“I’m not a fan of Megyn Kelly, though I often turn on Fox just to look at her. Sometimes when I’m loading my magazines I like to just look at her, and I usually sit naked on the couch dropping hot brass on my stuff.”

After hearing him defend a primary opponent, Nugent's BFF Mike Huckabee immediately went through the stages of grief.  He's currently in Stage Six: "Sad bass licks."

CHEERS to an artery's best worst friend.  On August 15, 1911, obedient and properly submissive American housewives across the country swooned to the sound of Crisco (short for "crystallized cottonseed oil") glopping into their frying pans and mixing bowls as Procter & Gamble brought it to market.  Over a hundred years later, Americans still love it because it lets them enjoy so many sinful foods.  And cardiologists love it because it lets them enjoy so many brand-new Porsches.

Maher and his "New Rules" return tonight.

CHEERS to home vegetation.  The big event this weekend TV-wise is the return of HBO's Real Time, and tonight Bill Maher kicks off the new season with Jennifer Granholm, Sister Helen Prejean, RNCer Doug Heye, Talib Kweli and Lawrence Wilkerson.  New DVD releases include the comedy Hot Pursuit and the documentary I Am Chris Farley.  The baseball schedule is here and the PGA Tournament leader board is here. And here's your Sunday morning lineup:

Sunday morning on NBC: The Sandman.

Meet the Press: Bernie!!!

This Week: Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Trey Gowdy.

Face the Nation: John Kasich, Lindsey Graham, Martin O'Malley. WARNING: The roundtable features a perfect storm of wankery: Peggy Noonan, Ron Fournier and Mark "Drudge Rules My World" Halperin.

CNN's State of the Union: Mike Huckabee, John Kasich.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Dr. Ben Carson speaks from personal experience on doing research using fetal tissue; Trey Gowdy stokes the Banghazi fires.

Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: August 14, 2005

JEERS to saying no.  Evangelical Lutheran Church leadership to gays: drop dead.  Presiding Bishop Mark Hanson says he hopes gays and lesbians don't take the church's public rebuke as a sign that they aren't welcome in the church.  As long as they bring their money, there will always be a pew for them.  That one way in the back.  [8/14/15 Update: To coin a phrase, it gets better…]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to the whitest guy ever to be "born a poor black child."  Happy birthday to Steve Martin, who was a spry 30 when I first heard his stand-up act (via long-play LP, no less) at 12 and laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe, and who today is an elder statesman of comedy at 70.  Besides being an award-winning banjo picker, having a hit single (King Tut), hosting the Oscars and SNL, starring in a boatload of popular movies, and writing best-selling books, an Oscar-nominated screenplay (Roxanne), and sketches for the legendary Smothers Brothers, what has he contributed to society?  While we're trying to think of something, watch this…

Sorry, Steve, but I'm still drawin' a blank.  Happy birthday, anyway.

Have a great weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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