From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Let's Talk!
The first Democratic presidential debate is tonight in Nevada (please pronounce it correctly: nee-VAY-day) and it'll be televised on CNN unless they have to cut to live coverage of a Donald Trump rally. Here's some free advice for the candidates based on my experience in hardscrabble politics on the playground in third grade:
Martin O'Malley: Your biggest assets at the moment are your biceps. So when you're asked a question, rrrrrrip the sleeves off your shirt start cracking walnuts with those guns. Note: bring extra shirts for your rebuttals.
And for heaven's sake, pundits, stop calling
this "Biden's empty podium." It's a LECTERN.
Lincoln Chafee: You need to go against type and become the bully. When you challenge one of your opponents, walk right up to them---I mean close enough so they can see the nails you're chewing and smell the bourbon on your breath---and stab your finger into their chest and ask 'em if they want to take it outside, bub. Frequently use the phrase "You're not fit to tie the booties of your firstborn." And make CNN use that seven-second delay. Remember: you're here to rumble. Leave scars.
Bernie Sanders: You'll be the most effortlessly articulate and gaffe-free candidate on the stage for laying out the progressive "we're all in this together" agenda to people across the political spectrum. So just do that thing you do. And since tonight is your big close-up with America, run a comb through your hair.
Jim Webb: You have one job: secure the endorsement of a voter not connected to you by blood or marriage.
Good luck. We're all counting on you.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Note: The six-week C&J advanced physics workshop has been cancelled on account of we don't know anything about advanced physics. Sorry about that. Bad idea.
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11 days!!!
Days 'til Daylight Saving Time ends:
19
Days 'til the
Krewe of Boo parade in New Orleans:
11
Size of the defense appropriations bill that as passed last week by Congress:
$612 billion
Expected cost-of-living raise for Social Security recipients next year:
$0.00
Final settlement amount following the 2013 oil train explosion at the Maine-Quebec border that killed 47 and destroyed downtown Lac-Megantic:
$338 million
Rank of
Star Wars IV: A New Hope, The Wizard of Oz and
The Sound of Music among the most re-watchable movies of all time:
#1, #2, #3
(
FiveThirtyEight)
Price of a Donald Trump piñata in Reynosa, Mexico :
$30
(Source: Harper's Index)
NL Division Series
Chicago Cubs 8 St. Louis Cardinals 6 (Cubs lead 2 games to 1)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Our friends over at Breitbart.com weigh in on Newt Gingrich's announcement that he'd be thrilled to accept the House Speakership…
Used garbage who's only purpose would be to infect to the host.
---Kundalini
Net is a slipper little elf.
---Tprater
This is too stupid for words. Going back to Newt Gingrich? We need FRESH BLOOD! Not old farts from the Clinton era
---gloriouscause
All together now: 1…2…3…
slipper little elf ha ha ha!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Hangin' with the mixed breeds…
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CHEERS to gravity. The Lord giveth horrible presidential candidate Carly Fiorina a brief glimmer of hope…and the Lord taketh it away. Thanks to her pathological lying over Planned Parenthood---over which even conservatives rolled their eyes---her brief foray into double digits has
been cut in half in less than a month. On behalf of a relieved nation, Ms. Fiorina will be receiving the coveted
C&J Falling GOP Star Memorial Award. Just as soon as our dog Haley produces it this morning behind the garage.
JEERS to the Big Stall, Part I. As if Kevin McCarthy's on-air admission wasn't enough, this New York Times bombshell lays to rest any notion that the Benghazi hearings have become anything but a hit job on Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign:
Well, look who's singing.
17 months later---longer than the Watergate investigation lasted---interviews with current and former committee staff members as well as internal committee documents reviewed by The New York Times show the extent to which the focus of the committee’s work has shifted from the circumstances surrounding the Benghazi attack to the politically charged issue of Mrs. Clinton’s use of a private email server while she was secretary of state. […]
With the slow progress, members have engaged in social activities like a wine club nicknamed “Wine Wednesdays,” drinking from glasses imprinted with the words “Glacial Pace,” a dig at Representative Elijah E. Cummings, Democrat of Maryland and the committee’s ranking member, [Republican whistleblower] Major [Bradley] Podliska said. Mr. Cummings used the term to question the speed of the committee’s work. At one point, several Republican staff members formed a gun-buying club and discussed in the committee’s conference room the 9-millimeter Glock handguns they intended to buy and what type of monograms they would inscribe on them, Major Podliska said.
And even John Boehner got in on the action, supporting Trey Gowdy's slow-walking because "Mrs. Clinton’s emails gave him a way to keep the issue alive and to cause political problems for her campaign." What sweethearts---your tax dollars hard at work. But, in fairness, all of the sources interviewed say they never threw darts at a board with Hillary's face on it. That would be a bridge too far.
JEERS to the Big Stall, Part II. And speaking of slowpokes, let's check in on hedge-fund-manager-turned-pharmaceutical-company-CEO Martin Shkreli and see if he's kept his promise to jack down the price of that life-saving drug he jacked up last month:
Martin Shkreli
Shkreli says he'll lower the price just as soon as his company develops a pill that cures his chronic jerkitude.
CHEERS to naval gazing. 240 years ago today, before we'd even declared our independence, the Continental Congress said, "Sure, why not?" (or, more accurately: "Sureth, why noteth?") to arming two ships with cannons. Little did they know that they had just formed the United States Navy:
"Have it back by 10pm or
you are SO grounded."
The Continental Navy grew into an important force. Within a few days, Congress established a Naval Committee charged with equipping a fleet. This committee directed the purchasing, outfitting, manning, and operations of the first ships of the new navy, drafted subsequent naval legislation, and prepared rules and regulations to govern the Continental Navy's conduct and internal administration. …Over the course of the War of Independence, the Continental Navy sent to sea more than fifty armed vessels of various types. The navy's squadrons and cruisers seized enemy supplies and carried correspondence and diplomats to Europe, returning with needed munitions.
Their first official slogan is still in use today: "Beat Army."
CHEERS to slimming down. If you missed Walter Einenkel's post yesterday, you missed some cool news: turns out the optimal length of a workday has shrunk:
True Fact: ABBA only
worked 30 minutes a day.
“The eight-hour work day is not as effective as one would think," Linus Feldt, the company’s CEO told Fast Company. "To stay focused on a specific work task for eight hours is a huge challenge. In order to cope, we mix in things and pauses to make the work day more endurable. At the same time, we are having it hard to manage our private life outside of work."
American CEOs say they'll take a good look at the shorter-work-day report for at least as long as it takes to put it through the shredder.
JEERS to celebrity (non-)power. On October 13, 1957, entertainment titans Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra introduced a new car on national TV. The hour-long special was a big ratings hit. Unfortunately, the car they were hawking was the Ford Edsel…
And not even God could move that thing.
Ten years ago in C&J: October 13, 2005
JEERS to the looming epidemic. No, not the avian flu, silly. People colliding with telephone poles, lampposts and each other because they're watching Desperate Housewives on the just-announced video iPod. Order now and Apple will send you a free coupon good for resetting one broken nose.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to "a new kind of the same old politician." A group called RepresentUs is working on campaign finance reform, and they've created an anti-spokesperson in the form of presidential candidate "Honest Gil Fulbright." Even though he's fake, he got more votes than Jeb Bush in a straw poll in New Hampshire last weekend. Say hi…
What's shocking is that Fulbright (aka Frank Ridley) could pick up 12 votes in that straw poll. What's even more shocking: that Jeb couldn't.
Have a nice Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
It’s no small feat turning Bill in Portland Maine into a national hero, but that’s the unique achievement of Steven Spielberg’s “Kiddie Pool of Pies.”
---Peter Debruge, Variety
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