Trump’s medical report said he was in perfect health. Except it left out the part about his foot condition. Remember that reoccurring trouble Donald had with his feet, bunions or something. It lasted all through the Vietnam War era. After that he had a spontaneous remission. I guess it was all right for the doctor to leave it out since it only flares up whenever Trump is asked to risk his life to defend his country. There’s no chance of that happening now, is there?
***
As part of the war on terrorism Trump says he is going after civilians. Technically that’s illegal. If any soldiers balk at killing women and children Donald says they’ll do it anyway because he will order them to. But what if they say they can’t because they have medical problems, bunions or something. What is he going to say to that? Will he give them a deferment or will he ignore their claim and order them to fight anyway?
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I hear Trump is going to expand veteran’s benefits to cover military school graduates. Everybody knows those are the real soldiers, the ones the country depends on most in a crisis. Of course he’ll include disability benefits for graduates who couldn’t go into combat because of foot problems, bunions or whatever.
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Trump promises to win the war on terrorism. After all he knows more than all the generals in the Pentagon and all the combat soldiers in the field. Never mind West Point or Top Gun or tours of duty or combat ribbons or anything like that. He’s had 5 years of military school. In fact he could lead the attack personally right now except, you know, his bunions keep acting up.
***
Trump’s going to start his own foundation. He’ll use it to teach people how to get coverage for their foot problems. The headquarters is going to be in Houston. It will be called the Bunion Underwriting Trainers of Texas. Naturally Donald is going to run it his own self. That’s right, Trump will be the B.UT.T. head.
(Yeah, I said it. What are you going to do about it?)
***
There was quite a stir when the media learned Trump had been exchanging messages with O. J. Simpson. What’s going on, they wondered. Was he giving advice, asking for an endorsement? What could it possibly be?
It turned out to be pretty simple. He was trying to find out where O. J. bought his hand-enlarging cream.
***
Many people are shaking their heads at the state of the Republican party. “What would Abraham Lincoln say if he could see it now?” It’s a lot worse than that, folks. Forget about Lincoln. Trump’s actually got Richard Nixon rolling over in his grave.
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Trump called a press conference to deny that he signed all of his tax returns with disappearing ink.
“That’s a total lie, I would never do anything like that. I used white ink, white ink on white paper. Works like a charm.”
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When “The Wolf of Wall Street” came out Trump wanted to sue the makers for stealing his life story. His lawyers held long emergency conferences with him trying to change his mind. “Remember what happened to Primo Carnera,” they said. Finally they talked him out of it. Damn the luck!
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So “I’m my own man” Trump is bowing to the NRA now. He’s pushing their line that everybody needs to buy one of their guns for protection. I suppose he’s got a point. After all, you never know when a reporter is going to come at you with a ball point pen.
“She’s got a bomb! SHE’S GOT A BOMB! Somebody shoot her! SOMEBODY SHOOT HER!”
***
Donald’s had a few problems with some of his campaign music. He should forget about Neil Young and Aerosmith and go straight to Snoop Dogg.
Rollin' down the escalator, must be smokin' crack
Sippin' on Trump vodka, paid ‘em all back
With my mind on my money
And my money on my mind
***
And how about when he tried to read from the Bible. That was an embarrassing moment even by Trump supporter standards. Trump’s interpretation of the Bible is if you take away a protestor’s coat, make sure you take his cloak, too.
Oh, and the parable of the widow and the unjust judge? Guess which part Donald plays.
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Trump promises to transform himself, become more presidential. He said he would become so presidential that everybody would be bored with him. You got that half-right, Donald. I don’t mean the presidential half.
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Can you believe it, Donald Trump becoming presidential? Who says you can’t polish a turd.
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Question: How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None.
“I don’t need to screw in light bulbs for myself. I’ll hire people to do it for me, and they’ll be only the best people. I have lists of people you never even heard of who know all about screwing in light bulbs.”
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Question: How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw America?
Answer: One is more than enough, sadly. He’ll manage to screw the entire nation over and throw in Mexico and Canada as a bonus.
“Hillary Clinton says she’ll give you a ‘two-fer.’ Well I can do better than that. I’ll give you a ‘three-fer’ at least.”
***
Wow, we’re getting serious here. Better take a break. When I get some spare time I’ll post more.