Andy Borowitz offered the best solution that we have seen to Donald Trump’s unquestionable chagrin at being turned down by every self-respecting A-lister in the celebrity book that he’s invited to perform at the Inauguration. From Sunday’s New Yorker:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After having difficulty persuading prominent entertainers to participate at the event, the Trump transition team announced on Sunday that the Russian President Vladimir Putin would sing at Donald J. Trump’s Inauguration next month.
In a brief statement from the Kremlin, Putin said, “I will be most delighted to perform for my comrade.”
The choice of Putin raised eyebrows in Washington, since the Russian, while famous for invading neighboring countries and imprisoning political opponents, is not particularly well known as a singer.
The Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway pushed back against such criticism during an appearance on CNN. “If we limited ourselves to people who had talent and experience, that would disqualify half of our Cabinet,” she said.
Putin’s choice of musical material also stirred controversy, as politicians on both sides of the aisle questioned his plan to perform the Russian national anthem.
According to those critics, the spectacle of Putin praising the glory and majesty of Russia in song would be inappropriate for the Inauguration of an American President.
In an attempt to quell that controversy, Putin said late on Sunday that he would instead serenade Trump by singing the Bette Midler classic, “Wind Beneath My Wings.”
Reports from the Kremlin are admittedly sketchy but so far we hear that Vladimir Putin is tone deaf and that a wax figure is more expressive -- at least insofar as Putin's drama coach, Alexandr Shitski, from the Moscow Conservatory Theater is concerned. "Vladimir, Vladimir! Please! When you sing, "Did you ever know you were my hero?" you must have passion in your voice! And your eyes must burn!! This is the man you love!"
Comrade Shitski is on his way to the nearest gulag last we knew. However, never a Party to give up, Putin's remaining comrades have hired in Shitski's place and stead an American, a frequent singer at a reknowned Los Angeles-Koreatown kareoke bar, “The Brass Monkey.” This gentleman is winging his way to Russia right now after a maximum power take off from LAX. He has never worked as a drama coach before but as Kellyanne Conway is wont to observe, lack of ability is no obstacle to greatness in the Trump regime.
The new coach will only give his first name, "Duncan." Duncan tells us that his last career accomplishment was to "put the plug in the jug," and attend his first meeting at the Downtown Mission, just three days ago. And now he's on his way to be of service to Vladimir Putin. Undoubtedly his testimony in future years will be an inspiration to his fellows and many of them will surely trudge the road of happy destiny together. /s
Happy Solstice and Merry Christmas from ursulafaw!