The administration today released their long-awaited plans to modernize the antiquated Peer Review process which for years has bogged down the progress of science. “Doing Peer Review the old way involved reading entire books,” explained spokeman Sean Spicer. “Sometimes even analyzing facts. That takes too long, so it’s totally incompatible with Making America Great Again.”
Step one of the plan is to replace the reviewers with more suitable peers for the modern age. The new peers, named Lords of Science, will be responsible for reviewing the quality of scientific papers and determining which of them meet the rigorous standards required for publication. The peers will receive a land grant to compensate them for the drudgery of wading through the texts as well as coping with irate so-called “scientists” whose papers don’t measure up.
Sir James Inhofe, the first Lord to be named and now also the Lord of Tulsa, applauded the bold new step. “Globalists have been conspiring for years to spread this false idea about a single world-wide science,” he said. “As a result, our scientists have needed to beg for permission slips from foreign and multilateral organizations to have their work accepted. Well, we’re done with that. From now on, our science is going to be for America First. This movement is going to snowball quickly.”
Lord Inhofe expressed pride that he was first to pass the exacting examination (shown below) that is required to become a Lord of Science, in addition to other basic requirements such as correct party affiliation and sufficient campaign contributions.
Lord Jeffrey Lord was second to complete the process, despite his long hours at CNN making sure that fake news organization has at least one truth-teller on each discussion panel. “If you think you measure up for a Peerage, you have to move fast,” Lord Lord said. “The best cities are reserved for special friends like Vladimir, but you might still get a decent suburb. White Plains, maybe. I’m happy I got Tarrytown.”
Once inducted, each Peer will review an allocation of papers selected on a case by case basis. A 140 character summary of each paper will be provided to the Peer’s phone via Twitter. In most cases, the Peer will simply swipe left or right to disposition the candidate paper.
If the Peer chooses to click through to read the entire paper, the Peer will then be asked to enter a rating, and the results will be tabulated to help determine the surviving research papers.
Best of all, the final decisions will be made by the man himself, based on the aggregated ratings and left/right swipes, plus the insight of his personal genius. He will personally execute that crucial last left or right swipe as the authors of the contending papers look on, ready to celebrate or go back to the drawing board.
The winning papers will be published in Truth, the only remaining peer-reviewed journal of science and knowledge. This single source of scientific information will eliminate the potential for confusing conflicts between competing theories. Truth will be published weekly, while its sister publication News will run daily, carrying stories about national events.
The initial published results are something for all Real Americans to be truly proud of. American science, ingenuity, and resourcefulness are clearly alive and well.
But with every step forward for our nation’s greatness, there are always naysayers who want to take us backward. Citizens are warned not to be misled by rogue sites or Twitter feeds that have recently begun working to undermine everyone’s faith in the government. Definitely stay away from places like this:
And whatever you do, under no circumstances should citizens go to the worst site of all. It’s shown in the graphic below with no link, in order to reduce risk of accidentally ending up there (just thinking of you and protecting your purity of thought).
And everyone is reminded of the core principle that all scientific theories are just that — theories. Like gravity, for instance.
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James R. Wells is the author of The Great Symmetry, a science fiction adventure celebrating the freedom of ideas. The story is set 300 years in the future, but that future world appears to be arriving about 299 years sooner than expected. On Amazon www.amazon.com/... and major retailers.