As concerns mounted about possible additional indictments, Trump lawyer Michael Cohen issued a statement which significantly updated the roles of various Trump campaign staffers from what had been previously believed. “Certain individuals may have inflated their roles so it appeared they were key players in the campaign," the lawyer said. “We’re setting the record straight.”
It has already been established that George Papadopoulos, who touted himself as an advisor on international affairs, largely fetched coffee. Cohen confirmed this, adding: “He bought imported coffee, so that’s where the international aspect came in.”
Other staff also had jobs that were strictly limited to catering, and never involved communicating with Mr. Trump at any time other than taking food orders. Assignments included:
Chris Christie: Cheeseburgers.
Don Trump Jr: Skittles.
Mike Flynn: Turkey.
Kellyanne Conway: Live Brains.
Steve Bannon: Biting the heads off chickens.
Jeff Sessions: Festive party torches
Stephen Miller: Keeping out any foreign or ethnic food
“Some of you in the fake news media have been portraying Paul Manafort as some kind of scheming mastermind,” Cohen said, “but he was only in charge of one thing. Just desserts. Oh, and sometimes laundry.”
Another important update included the role of Corey Lewandowski, who in fact was never the campaign manager, but rather had the job of finding Trump’s golf ball and tossing it close to the hole. He was fired in June 2016 when, after diving into a pond to get an errant shot, he slipped on the pond scum while throwing the ball into place and missed the green entirely, leaving Mr. Trump with a chip and a putt to salvage par, which thankfully the candidate was able to do.
It turns out that Carter Page, whose role has mystified many observers, was assigned responsibility for singing telegrams, which the campaign used to send jovial messages to supporters and to foreign governments.
We have been able to obtain the lyrics from one of Carter Page’s singing telegrams, which he delivered to several cultural and business contacts in Moscow in July, 2016. It’s just harmless fun, as you can see:
We know you’ve got us by the short and curlies
We’ll submit to regular swirlies
Our win will leave the world agape
As long as you don’t release that tape
It was unclear from Mr. Cohen’s statement whether Mr. Page is currently singing.
Reporter Katy Tur managed to get in a question as Cohen prepared to leave the lectern. “Which staffers were responsible for campaign strategy and execution?” she asked.
“Nobody,” Cohen said. “No member of the Trump campaign staff was involved in the campaign. Just catering. And singing telegrams. Which precludes the possibility of any of them colluding with Russia about the election.”
“This is a brilliant strategy,” Fox analyst Sean Hannity asserted after the news came out. “The Trump campaign has come clean with full disclosure. There’s nothing left for Mr. Mueller to do, so he should resign immediately.”
On CNN, legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin was not so sure. “’For starters, there are documents that clearly link Paul Manafort to all aspects of catering — he came in much earlier on the menu than desserts. If any issues can be proven, whether it’s about bad hors d’oeuvres or anything else, he’s responsible.”
On MSNBC, host Chris Matthews assembled an impressive panel of experts to discuss the issue, but none were able to comment because Mr. Matthews never reached the end of posing his first question.
In other news, this reporter received an unconfirmed report that the office of the Vice President has been drafting documents describing Mr. Trump’s role in the administration as insignificant and for a very short period of time. The intended use of these documents has not yet been determined. Stay tuned for updates to this developing story.
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James R. Wells is the author of The Great Symmetry, a science fiction adventure celebrating the freedom of ideas. The story is set 300 years in the future, but that future world appears to be arriving about 299 years sooner than expected.