A source I cannot reveal continues to send me transcripts from Trump’s secret Oval Office recording system. I will publish more of these transcripts as I get them.
What follows is a transcript of an Oval Office conversation that took place last night following the publishing of the Washington Post story that Trump is now the subject of an obstruction of justice investigation:
TRUMP: Did I obstruct justice?
BANNON: No, of course not. It’s the art of the deal.
KUSHNER: Fire Mueller.
PRIEBUS: Well…
TRUMP: Did I ask you to speak, Rinse Pubis?
PRIEBUS: No, sir, but—
TRUMP: Shut the fuck up!
GINGRICH: Fire him.
TRUMP: Mueller or Pubic Hair?
GINGRICH: Both.
CONWAY: Want me to take Pubis out here, sir?
TRUMP: Put the gun down, Conway. We’ve had enough shooting for one day.
CONWAY: But—
TRUMP: Conway, how many times have I fucking told you? No shooting in the Oval Office.
CONWAY: Damn...
PRIEBUS: I am so blessed to be working with you, Mr. President!
TRUMP: I did not ask you to speak!
KUSHNER: Um, I…
BANNON: Spit it out, Kushner.
KUSHNER: I got subpoenaed to testify today.
TRUMP: You know what to say.
KUSHNER: I can't go to prison. I don’t stand a chance in there.
TRUMP: You have tiny balls, Kushner. Teeny-tiny Jewish balls.
KUSHNER: Hey, Ivanka is Jewish, too.
TRUMP: Hardly. She’s of German stock. Just like me. Tall, gorgeous, blond. The master race.
GINGRICH: You are the very representation of the master race, Mr. President.
TRUMP: If you were any greasier, Newt, you’d slide out of the Oval Office into the hallway.
GINGRICH: Just trying to remain relevant.
BANNON: Good luck with that, Ging Bitch.
TRUMP: Ging Bitch. I like that. I’m glad I made it up.
BANNON: It’s all you, sir. Every word is genius.
TRUMP: It is, isn’t it?
PRIEBUS: Yes, Mr. Pres—
TRUMP: Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
CONWAY: Just made three calls. I’m on “Fox and Friends,” some shit show on CNN, and with Greta on MSNBC. You HAD to fire Mueller. He was wiretapping the Oval Office!
TRUMP: I knew it! I bet Obama put him up to it!
BANNON: It was Comey colluding with Mueller. And Obama.
TRUMP: Who here is leaking?
CONWAY: I think Kushner’s wearing a wire!
KUSHNER: I am NOT wearing a wire!
CONWAY: We’ll see about that…
BANNON: Kellyanne, get off him! Get off him!
CONWAY: I can take this little shit…
TRUMP: Let her do what she has to do, Bannon.
CONWAY: Where’s that wire?!
KUSHNER: There is no wire! Get off me! Ivanka! Ivanka!
TRUMP: I love this shit almost as much I loved the whole Russian hooker and peeing thing. That reminds me, Rinse My Penis, call Pooty and tell him I’m coming to Moscow next month. Same two gals.
PRIEBUS: Yes, si—
TRUMP: I did NOT tell you to speak!
CONWAY: Aha! Look! He’s wearing a wire! See? See?
KUSHNER: That’s my tzitzit!
TRUMP: You’re fired, Kushner. Mueller is fired. Penis Breath, you’re fired. Conway…
CONWAY: Not me, Mr. President, I found the spy!
TRUMP: Okay, you can stay. Me, you, Bannon and Ivanka. That’s it.
GINGRICH: What about me, sir?
TRUMP: No one likes you, Ging Bitch. Not even Callista. She’d rather hang out with the Pope. Get outta’ my site.
BANNON: This is going to be great, sir. Your genius will finally be recognized.
TRUMP: But I’m the president, Bannon.
BANNON: Yes, sir.
TRUMP: No more Time covers for you.
BANNON: No, sir.
TRUMP: Conway, get me Pooty. I have some dealing to do. And get me those hookers.