“Where are you really from?” is a question you are likely to hear if you are not (perceived as) white. This is a person’s terrible way of trying to figure out what, rather than who, someone is. It is usually reserved for people of color—often those people whose looks are just racially or ethnically ambiguous enough to be confusing to those who have a very inappropriate need to know someone else’s heritage or cultural background. Now before you get upset about this (and someone most certainly will)—you should know that there is a difference between being curious and being nosy and racially insensitive. We all get curious about other people. It’s human nature. But asking someone this particular question is not the best way to help you connect with them—even if they don’t get offended.
Some social scientists consider the question a "microaggression," which Merriam Webster defines as comments or actions that "unconsciously or unintentionally express a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group." The word was
first used by Harvard professor Dr. Chester M. Pierce in the 1970s, and in the past few years has reemerged as part of the American racial justice lexicon.
Latinos, Asians and people who fall in between the black-white racial binary in the United States are those who are most likely to be asked, often in casual conversation, about their racial or ethnic roots. On the surface, the question, "Where are you from?" seems innocuous. And for many of those asking the question, it is often an expression of genuine curiosity, an effort to connect, or a way to learn more about someone. But for those on the receiving end, it can be a different experience.
The question “where are you from” in itself can be fairly benign. Sometimes it simply means what town are you from or what part of the country are you from. But sometimes, for the person on the receiving end of the question, the impact can be the implication that they are not from “here.” “Here” can mean many things. Not from “here” as in this particular town, this particular state, this particular country. This question, though seemingly harmless, inadvertently taps into a sense of belonging—especially if you are a minority. Minorities are often burdened by explaining themselves to people in the majority as well as feeling alienated by the constant reminder that they don’t belong. The question “where are you really from” (emphasis on the really) overwhelmingly implies as sense of foreignness. As in, “I don’t believe you or your people can possibly be from “here” (wherever “here” is).
"The impact to the person receiving that persistent questioning is that you are not a true American, you are a perpetual foreigner in your own country," [Columbia Professor Derald Sue said]. The people asking those questions generally don't have bad intentions, said Sue, but "they are not in contact with their unconscious world view that only true Americans look a certain way: blond hair, blue eyes."
Presumably there are some people out there having a knee-jerk reaction to reading this. After all, this is a time where everyone’s sensitivities are heightened and with good reason. Since Trump’s election, hate crimes are on the rise. According to CNN, “of the nearly 1,400 hate crimes and bias incidents the Southern Poverty Law Center has tracked since the 2016 presidential election, anti-immigrant incidents were the most reported, followed by anti-black incidents.” Trump has incited violence because of his xenophobic, racist rhetoric. People of color are terrified for their physical safety and mental/emotional well-being. Asking someone “where they are really from” may be triggering and scary, in addition to annoying. It is a question that strangers don’t have a right to ask and shouldn’t feel entitled to.
But this also brings up many feelings about talking about race. As a country, we don’t do this well—at all. And well-meaning white people who often ask this question (though its a question that is certainly not limited to whites), may feel attacked because telling them that they engage in racist, microaggressive behavior evokes discomfort and denial.
British journalist Reni Eddo-Lodge recently wrote about the discomfort even seemingly progressive whites have when it comes to racial issues. "Amid every conversation about Nice White People feeling silenced by conversations about race, there is a sort of ironic and glaring lack of understanding or empathy for those of us who have been visibly marked out as different for our entire lives, and live the consequences," she said.
There are lots of ways to connect with people that don’t have to do with race or ethnicity. Ask yourself why you feel the need to ask this kind of question of a stranger in the first place. Besides satisfying your curiosity, what purpose does this serve? Then challenge yourself to ask something else. Something far less personal and invasive. Or as Tanzina Vega writes, “Or better yet, rather than asking anyone "where are you really from?" try listening—or letting that person ask you a question—instead.”