From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Sports and Suchlike Edition
“The New England Patriots were beaten by the Philadelphia Eagles 41-33. Eagles fans started fires and punched police horses. Then they sat down to watch the Super Bowl.”
---Conan O’Brien
“Honestly, I would go. I would go, and show up with moving boxes and a U-Haul.”
---Wanda Sykes, on whether she would visit the White House if she was a Philadelphia Eagle, on Late Show
A classic from two years ago.
“Doritos is reportedly looking into launching a so-called lady-friendly chip that doesn’t crunch as loudly. Because there’s no more appropriate snack for the #MeToo era than a chip that tells women to be quiet.”
---Seth Meyers
“In South Korea, the Winter Olympics start[ed] Thursday. Vice President Mike Pence will be there for opening ceremonies but is leaving after that so he doesn't have to see the biathlon. He believes that athlons should be between one man and one woman.”
---Jimmy Kimmel
“So, to recap: the FBI is criminalizing being black and angry, chilling free speech, and ignoring reasonable requests for information from black congresswomen. Hey, [Fox News and Devin Nunes]! Tell me again how the FBI is an organization of left-wing Hillary Clinton-loving hippies. Cuz it sounds to me like they fit right in to the Trump administration.”
---Samantha Bee (Full segment here)
“Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is being called out of touch and is facing some backlash after bragging about the Republican tax plan. He tweeted about a Pennsylvania high school secretary saying she was pleasantly surprised when her pay went up $1.50 a week. I guess Trump promised real change. And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel.”
---James Corden
Preemptively: thank you, Olympics, for saving our sanity for at least the next two weeks.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 9, 2018
Note: Eyewitness News team battles the flu. Phlegm at 11.
-
By the Numbers:
4 days!!!
Days 'til the midterm elections: 269
Days 'til the Westminster Kennel Club finals: 4
Percent of Americans who believe that undocumented immigrants take jobs away from American citizens, according to a new Quinnipiac poll: 33%
Percent of Americans via Quinnipiac who believed in 2000 and 2017, respectively, that abortion services should be legal in all or most cases: 53%, 57%
Percent of American voters who believe that the FBI is and is not, respectively, biased against Trump: 33%, 55%
Number of states that are suing Perdue Pharmaceuticals, the company that makes opioid crisis-fueler OxyContin: 14
Age of Canadian curler Cheryl Bernard, the oldest competitor at the Pyeongchang Olympics: 51
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Hi ho….um…Cricket!
-
CHEERS to supporting the troops. No two ways about it: if truth, justice and the American way are to be saved, it’s we Democrats that are going to have to do it. Fortunately, most of America agrees, and that’s why our prospects in the midterm elections look so good. Fortunately, the DCCC smells victory, and---hallelujah---they’re not keeping their powder dry...
House Democrats are stepping on the gas, with plans to target over 100 Republican-held congressional districts in the November midterm elections. […]
The DCCC's own polling of key districts has been more promising than national trends, showing President Donald Trump underwater not just in the 23 GOP-held districts Hillary Clinton won, but also in the more than 60 districts Trump won, and the 11 where retirements have left the seat open.
Among the DCCC’s targets: Maine’s 2nd District, occupied now by a vulnerable GOP slimeball.
Democrats are now fielding candidates in all but 12 of the 238 districts held by Republicans,according to [DCCC chair Rep. Ben Ray] Lujan, including in places like Alabama, where Democrats are competing in every single district for the first time in years. The idea is to expand the map as much as possible and hope to ride the potential wave.
Meanwhile, the Republicans are currently preoccupied with trying to figure out how to deal with their little congressional Nazi problem in Illinois. They’ve narrowed their options down to “Lock him in his bunker,” “parachute him into Poland to negotiate their surrender” and, if all else fails, “Drop him off a pier with a pair of cement schnitzels.”
CHEERS to a Very Barry Weekend (or...My, How Time Flies). Barack Obama officially announced his candidacy for president eleven years ago tomorrow in front of the old state capitol in Springfield, Illinois:
"As Lincoln organized the forces arrayed against slavery, he was heard to say this: ‘Of strange, discordant, and even hostile elements, we gathered from the four winds, and formed and fought to battle through.’
That is our purpose here today.
That is why I'm in this race. Not just to hold an office,but to gather with you to transform a nation. I want to win that next battle---for justice and opportunity. I want to win that next battle---for better schools, and better jobs, and better health care for all. I want us to take up the unfinished business of perfecting our union, and building a better America."
And here we are, looking at the improbable two-term Obama presidency in our rear-view mirror. We'll always be frustrated by the unfinished business that was left on the table, but we'll never forget why: petty, lockstep GOP obstruction (aided by Senate Democrats' failure to deal with it sooner despite knowing exactly what was going on), and a conservative movement that took leave of its senses by displaying a willingness to burn the country down before it would ever let that "foreign" and "lawless" black guy succeed. And yet, to the right-wing's tooth-grinding chagrin, big black badass Barack Hussein Obama---with many major accomplishments and zero scandals in his plus column---left America stronger and better, and he’ll end up higher on historians' Best Presidents lists than even their patron saint Ronald Reagan. That's gonna hurt their delicate snowflake feefees. A lot, I hope.
CHEERS to Olympic fever. First, a review of recent history: in 2010, Canada enchanted the world with its down-home, forest-spritey charm and no-fuss efficiency. In 2014, Russia hated on the gays, couldn’t provide working toilets, ran out of pillows, and saw their hockey team get decimated by Finland.
And who did they pick as the mascot for the 2018 winter Olympics? Soohorang. A white male. Grrrr...
Now it’s 2018, and it’s time once again for The Global Cooling Games. This time all eyes are on Pyeongchang, South Korea, where the temperature is currently 8 million below zero and everybody has the nanovirus. But, as always, it’ll turn out to be two weeks of thrilling competition accompanied by the dulcet tones of Bob Costa, and when it’s over the highlight reel will be full of jaw-dropping moments. You can view the full schedule here to plan your viewing time. Oh, and this is interesting: Kim Jong Un is sending his sister to the Winter Olympics as part of the North Korean delegation. And Donald Trump is sending his daughter Ivanka as part of the American delegation. If that doesn’t have “impromptu Jello pit wrestling match” written all over it, I don’t know what does.
P.S. He’s baaaaaack...
After parading around in the sub-zero cold, Pita entertained the children by letting them pop balloons on his nipples.
CHEERS to the guy who really was the brightest bulb in the box. Happy 171st Birthday (and many blessings on your tungsten filaments) Sunday to fellow Ohio native Thomas Edison. He invented the light bulb, the phonograph, the Snuggie and the ShamWOW! (the last two during his slow descent into madness). Pay your respects here. Sunday is also Sarah Palin's birthday---she turns 54. Or as she likes to put it: another orbit of the sun around the earth.
JEERS to Katrina-scale incompetence. Republicans did a lot of bullshit things this week (no surprise there), but this ranks among the worst, and every ounce of this giant turd gets laid at Cadet Bone Spurs’ feet:
The U.S. agency responsible for disaster response hired a contractor that failed to deliver millions of emergency meals in hurricane-ravaged Puerto Rico last year, U.S. Democratic lawmakers said on Tuesday.
Last week there was a Daily Kos meetup in Puerto Rico when Chris Reeves and Kelly Macias visited to observe and write about the conditions there firsthand.
Democrats on the House Oversight Committee cited records that showed the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) awarded a nearly $156 million contract to a one-person company that delivered just 50,000 of the expected 30 million meals.
The lawmakers said documents showed the company, Atlanta-based Tribute Contracting, had a history of problems handling smaller government contracts worth less than $100,000 and had been barred from government work until 2019.
To recap: FEMA hired a company in 2017 that was so incompetent it had been banned from being hired until 2019, and countless American citizens ravaged by a killer hurricane suffered because this incompetent company was allowed to live down to its reputation. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think this can mean only one thing: somehow Michael Brown has managed to wriggle out of his shackles.
CHEERS to the most important day in U.S. history. On February 10, 1945, the Andrews Sisters hit the top of the charts with 'Rum & Coca Cola.' Why we didn't get today off as a national holiday is beyond me.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If it's Friday, the boob tube must be singing its siren song. Love the Olympics or hate 'em, the opening ceremonies---tonight at 8 on NBC---are always good for a few lumps in the throat and plenty of international eye candy. (Warning:you’ll have to put up with hours of “NBC anchor banter,” which some consider a fate worse than death.)
Opening ceremonies starring Team USA start at 8 on NBC.
Meanwhile, on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher welcomes three perennial thorns in Trump’s side: Rep. Adam Schiff, journalist April Ryan, and former White House ethics guy Richard Painter. New home video releases include wildfire firefighters firefighting wildfires in Only the Brave, and vintage Tom Hanks in the entire two-season run of Bosom Buddies. The basketball schedule is here and the hockey schedule is here. Sunday night is the season finale of the Star Trek reboot, but ya gotta pay money to CBS On-Demand for it so I’ll just tell you what happens: Kirk beats the Klingons in a game of Duck, Duck, Goose and then everybody beams down to Planet Aphrodesia to make love, not war, and all’s well that ends well until the ill-timed phaser-cleaning accident. On 60 Minutes: a Republican big-government effort to make concealed-carry permits legal in every state (what could go wrong???), and a bean-spilling interview the guy who helped run Putin’s athlete-doping program who will soon be murdered. Oh, and you might want to practice staying up til 11 Sunday night, because John Oliver returns with a new season of Last Week Tonight next week and I’ve heard it’s against the law to tape it.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sen. Jeff Flake (R-AZ); Trump assistant Marc Short.
I want YOU! (To boycott these conservative-leaning Sunday shows and watch me instead.
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Former DHS Jehg Johnson; Kellyanne Liarface.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: OMB buzzard Mick Mulvaney; Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH)
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: February 9, 2008
CHEERS to defying gravity to touch...the face...of GOD! Does anybody get excited about space shuttle launches anymore? If the weather cooperates and the mini-bar is fully stocked, Atlantis will launch at around 2:45. By the way, wouldn’t it be wild if God actually appeared during a launch and the shuttle accidentally bumped into her boobie and made a little "honk" sound? That's why I love science---the possibilities.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to more Star Wars. Don’t look at me like that, I can’t help it! I was 12 when Star Wars came out in 1977, so I’m a hopelessly-conditioned Pavlov’s---er, Lucas’s---dog. I see a TIE fighter, I drool. I see Artoo and Threepio, I drool. I see a star destroyer, I drool. I see Mark Hamill’s glistening delts in The Empire Strikes Back, I drool but for a different reason, never mind, that was a bad example, strike that. So whenever a trailer for a new Star Wars movie comes out, I need to hang one of those dental suction hoses on my lower lip before I press “play.” Solo is the second “stand-alone” flick after the mind-blowing Rogue One, and despite Ron Howard taking over when the original director team departed, it looks to me like they conjured the Star Wars magic yet again. This one tells the back story of the galaxy-far-away’s most famous space smuggler, including how he met Chewbacca (before Chewy became a wookie lawyer and pioneered the now ubiquitous “Chewbacca Defense”) and Lando Calrissian (Donald Glover)…
-
Solo opens May 25th, I’ve got a good feeling about this.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
