Something happened last night that I will treasure forever, and I want to share it with you all. If I live to be 100 years old, I will remember what my 5 year old daughter told me last night, because it was life-changing. I would almost say it was life-saving because I have suffered so much self-doubt about my own life and the state of the world we live in. Hope this story brings a smile to your face, because it did far more than that for me.
We got home very late from dinner last night, and I immediately went upstairs to put my 1.5 years old son down to sleep for the night. My wife helped my daughter in from the car in the meantime. I went downstairs and my 5 year old daughter, Madelyn, felt the need to tell me something:
Madelyn: “Daddy!” she said as she excitedly came running up to me in the hallway.
Me: “Yes, sweetheart?”
Madelyn: “I went in the funhouse yesterday!” My wife took her to the yearly summer festival in our town while I stayed home with our son while he napped. At the festival, there is always this big funhouse where kids can run inside and there are silly mirrors and the floors move making it hard to walk straight and things like that. She went in it last year, but she got scared of the loud noises, so I had to go inside to pick her up and bring her out as she cried hysterically. I was a little surprised because this comment came out of nowhere.
Me: “I know! Mommy told me! Wasn’t it so much fun?” Madelyn shook her head yes emphatically. “And remember how you were scared to go in it last year because of the loud noises? I guess you’re not scared anymore.”
Madelyn: “And I went on the swings!” she said with a big smile on her face. Now, she was not talking about an ordinary swing set, but this giant carnival swing ride where you get in a seat and then it lifts you up high off the ground and swings you around in a giant circle really fast. I was at the carnival by that time with my son, so I saw her do it, and to be honest, I was amazed that she even wanted to go. She is literally just tall enough to be allowed on it, and it definitely crossed my mind that she could fly right off that thing.
Me: “I know, sweetie! I watched you! You were so brave to go on that ride!”
Madelyn: “And I went down the waterslide today!” She went to a waterpark earlier in the day, and there were two giant waterslides that until then, she had been simply too afraid to even try. One was basically a straight drop down, and the other had all kinds of twists and turns. For some reason, she just decided on the spot to go down both of them for the first time.
Me: “I saw that too. I’m so proud of you! See? It wasn’t too scary for you anymore.” Madelyn shook her head no.
Madelyn: “Daddy,” she said quietly, “I’m not scared anymore.”
Me: “I know, sweatheart. That’s why I am so proud of you, Madelyn. You are really growing up now, which means that you don’t get scared as much because you are more confident about what you can do.” She shook her head understandingly in agreement. I could tell she was very proud of herself too.
Madelyn: “Daddy?” she asked as she looked up into my eyes. “Do you remember that time that I… I was scared. And you weren’t?” I smiled and chuckled a little bit because I could recall countless times that she was scared of something for no good reason, like finding a bug on the ground in the house or a loud thunderclap during a storm.
Me: “Of course” I said with another chuckle.
Madelyn: “Well that’s why I am not scared anymore. I just thought about the time that I was scared, and you weren’t, and I just tried to be like you…”
Now, I won’t lie and say that I started crying on the spot, but I definitely froze in awe for a moment. In that moment, I was truly happy because I immediately knew what it meant. It meant that I had been a good father. It was proof that not only is she really growing up, but that I was helping her in profound ways. I have spent a great deal of time wondering whether I am doing a sufficient job parenting. Are my kids learning from me at all? Are they learning enough? Are they learning the right things, and the values that I want to impart? Are they growing in the right way? There is rarely, and in my experience as a parent, virtually never a satisfactory answer. For every positive sign such as saying “please” and using a fork and knife as opposed to their hands, there are always negative signs such as not wanting to get dressed in the morning or not listening to instructions.
I work a lot, sometimes even at night and/or over the weekend. So the time that I have been able to spend with my daughter (and son), especially over the last year or two as I have changed jobs twice, has been limited to say the least. I have worked extremely hard to support my family, and it has not always been easy. Recently, I have had to sacrifice even more time that I would otherwise spend with my kids and wife in order to fulfill my responsibilities as an attorney. It is a job that I enjoy, despite the difficulty and demanding nature of the job. But I admit that it leaves me wondering whether it is all worth it – to spend so much time working while my kids are growing up and I am missing so much of their lives.
And with all of the terrible things going on in the world, it makes it even harder. Just watching the news on a day to day basis is almost too much to bear. I fear for my children’s future. It’s not just trump and all the unconscionably awful things he is doing, but the daily stories of outright racism towards strangers in public. It’s not just the republican party doing everything it can to undo the New Deal, but global warming that is only growing more disastrous with each passing year. It’s not just the endless wars we are engaged in around the world, but the dimming of the light of freedom and liberty that continues to spread in the shadows in our neighborhoods and communities. It is all of it. Every day.
Which is why I have told myself for a long time, pretty much since I found out my wife was pregnant with our first child about 6 years ago, that the most important thing I will ever do is raise a child. I will set a good example for her (and him), and teach her/him everything I know about this world, especially right from wrong and how to be confident. It is truly the most important thing in the world to me. I will suffer all of life’s horrors and debasements, and all I want in return is for my two kids to grow up and be able to be proud of themselves and pursue/achieve their goals, whatever they may be. If I can do that, then I will have achieved my own most fundamental goal.
That is why what my daughter told me means so much, and I will never, ever forget it. I can only hope that every parent has at least one moment in their life of such import. My daughter now knows that she is going to do great things, because she isn’t scared anymore…
