From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
A Musical Interlude with Mr. Handsy
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Consider that an overture to the “Fake Media Awards” he’ll be handing out today. Unless he postpones it. Again. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Note: A squirrel’s head is not a drink coaster. I understand that now.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Republicans let the government run out of money: 2
Days 'til the Coralville Brrr Fest in Iowa: 11
Percent chance that Citigroup says it will start measuring, publishing and taking steps to close the gaps between what it pays men, women and minorities: 100%
Number of passengers on that jet that skidded off a runway in Turkey and went down a cliff: 162
Minimum number of porn stars who have signed non-disclosure agreements in exchange for payments from Trump: 2
Rank of Utah, Nevada and Idaho among states that grew the fastest in 2016, according to the Census Bureau: #1, #2, #3
Rank of West Virginia, Illinois and Vermont among states that grew the slowest in 2016: #1, #2, #3
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 5 anti-Christs and the conversion of the entire world to Jediism). Soul Protection Factor VIII lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Realizing she lied about going to the opera just to get you to the vet…
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CHEERS to making lemonade out of the lemon a racist bully just threw at your head. A+ to the marketing genius working for Zambia who came up with this response to Trump’s recent “shithole” tirade in the Oval Office:
Another amazing fact about zebras: they know more of the words to the national anthem than Trump does.
JEERS to sad roller coaster ride that is Steve Bannon’s life. Let’s check in with the disheveled agent of chaos, currently sitting under an elm tree plucking petals off a flower:
“The White House loves me!
The White House loves me not.
Breitbart loves me!
Breitbart loves me not.
The billionaire Mercers love me!
The billionaire Mercers love me not.
The House Intelligence committee…loves me!
My moisturizer loves me not.
The Mueller investigation grand jury…loves me!
Ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-nine percent of America loves me not.
Oh, #!$&%!!---I’m all outta petals!”
To be more specific, they shriveled and fell off in a death spiral. Liquor breath does that.
CHEERS to Ben Franklin. The Founding Father, publisher, diplomat, philosopher, and the only American to invent more things than Ron Popeil turns 312 today. He has a few words for the fake news-addled wreck that has become the Republican party:
For having lived long, I have experienced many instances of being obliged, by better information or fuller consideration, to change opinions, even on important subjects, which I once thought right but found to be otherwise. … When you're finished changing, you're finished.
Responded Fox News: “Fake founder! Fake founder!”
JEERS to the bloated-specimen-in-chief. Last week stable Genius Trump had his first physical since becoming the 2016 popular-vote loser. Yesterday doctors from Walter Reed Army Medical Center delivered the official verdict and the White House is very excited. According to press secretary Sarah H’yuckabee Sanders, “his current condition is equal to the current conditions of presidents Washington through Ford combined!” Trump was so thrilled he celebrated with his favorite candy: formaldehyde-flavored Starburst chews.
JEERS to turning a deaf ear. On this date 57 years ago, during his farewell address in 1961, President Eisenhower warned us all against the rise of the "military-industrial complex." Every year, as his warning appears ever more prescient, this speech ranks right up there with Lincoln's Gettysburg Address or FDR's Four Freedoms speech:
"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex.
The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.
We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."
Let's see how that's working out: We did let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties and democratic processes. We did take it for granted. And we the ignorant and apathetic citizenry did not compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty are now fighting like rabid dogs. Other than that...Thumbs-up!
CHEERS to putting the other side in their proper place. Happy to see David Letterman back at work. Last week he kicked off his new Netflix series My Next Guest Needs No Introduction. The first tush he parked in the chair across from him was President Barack Obama’s, and they had a spirited chat. Among other things, President Obama joked that Fox News viewers are living on another planet. “We wish,” said our planet.” “We don’t,” said all the other ones.
JEERS to yesteryear's sleazebag. Sad to think that you would never catch Republicans approving this kind of punishment of one of their own today. On January 17, 1997, then-Speaker Newt Gingrich---the guy who promised to clean up Washington---accepted a reprimand by the House that included a$300,000 penalty as punishment for ethics violations. Four days later the House voted 395-28 to discipline its leader for ethical misconduct. If memory serves, the sun was shining and the birds were singing that day.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 17, 2008
CHEERS to the Savior of the Universe! Secretary of State Condi Rice flew in to Baghdad steep, fast and unannounced to assure Iraq that she is still committed to pretending she has a clue about what's going on there. She stayed for about 20 minutes to sip tea and play a few Joplin rags before going out the way she came in---via the back door under the cover of darkness. Her baby grand suffered only minor bullet wounds.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to America’s favorite “Girl from the South Side.” Michelle Obama (who you can follow on twitter here) is the tenth First Lady whose iron-fisted regime I’ve lived under. During her eight way-too-fast years in that official capacity, she was an amazing role model---not only in terms of her grace and humor and intelligence and optimism and down-to-earth authenticity and… (I'll stop there for space reasons---my list of her pluses is 12 pages long, single spaced), but also for throwing open the doors of the White House and making it feel more like the "People's House" than any time I can remember. (Today the place feels more like Berlin circa 1945.) Today is Michelle’s frrfrrfrth birthday, and that’s all the reason I need to post these…
I know there's no job description or requirements for the role of presidential spouse, but I think it's fair to say that she set the bar just about as high as it can go. She rocked it. So, in conclusion: Happy happy happy (I'll stop there for space reasons---my list of happys is also 12 pages long) birthday, Michelle, and many blessings on your camels.
P.S. Her too:
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“If Bill in Portland Maine can’t control himself and lead Cheers and Jeers with the authority, dignity and leadership it requires, then he shouldn’t have candy corn.”
---Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)
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