From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Equine Science FAIL Edition
"This week Donald Trump called Stormy Daniels 'Horseface' On twitter. Which is actually a huge deal. Out of all the misogynist things that Donald Trump has called women, that is...the 27th worst."
---Samantha Bee
"The reason Stormy Daniels reminds him of a horse is because after they had sex he had to pony up 130-thousand dollars."
---Jimmy Kimmel
Stephen Colbert: There's mounting evidence that Saudi Arabia's leaders ordered this killing [of Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi]. But despite the evidence, including reported audio of the murder, Trump continues to back his buddies, the Saudis. Of course, the world looks to America for moral authority, but Trump says there's something just as important:
Clip of Trump: They're an ally and they're a tremendous purchaser of not only military equipment, but other things. When I went there, they committed to purchase $450 billion worth of 'things.'
Colbert: Yes. I believe the Saudi shopping list from that trip went: 1) Military 2) Things 3) Donald Trump.
---The Late Show
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”A U.N. report warning about catastrophic damage from climate change drops just as a [catastrophic] hurricane hits. Only a moron could not see the connection. Or as Trump said: ‘I don’t see the connection.’”
---Bill Maher
"President Trump met with Kanye West in the Oval office. You could tell a lot by how each of them prepared for the meeting. Kanye prepared by learning every fact in the world backwards, while Trump prepared by clearing his desk of any valuables."
---Colin Jost
C’mon down and splash. The kiddie pool is positively glorping with pumpkin spice pudding. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 19, 2018
Note: We're gonna be a little sparse around these parts next week. There will be a C&J on Monday, but shortly after we post we'll be heading up the hill for Round 2 of chemotherapy, which, if it's like Round 1, will be oh my god off the charts awful terrible no good Mommy make it stop. So definitely no C&J on Tuesday, and we'll play Wednesday by ear. Thursday and Friday should be fine. One upside to this week's chemo: I get a complimentary WD-40 chaser. It'll be good to finally get rid of that squeak in my spleen. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Festivus: 65
Days 'til the Pumpkin Carving Festival in Honolulu: 8
Percent of parents with children under 18 who believe that the flu vaccine gives you the flu, according to an Orlando Health survey: 50%
Number of shootings in New York City last weekend: 0
Percent of "beginner and aspirational" guitar players who are women, according to FiveThirtyEight: 50%
Number of aborted launches of manned spacecraft in history, the latest of which happened successfully last week with a Russian Soyuz rocket: 3
Percent chance that there's a God, according to Stephen Hawkings' posthumous book Brief Answers to the Big Questions: 0%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Oops…
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CHEERS to sending a very bad girl to stand in the corner of her yacht and think about the consequences of her actions. Always love it when Education Secretary Betsy DeVos---who, like all Trump cabinet members, is equal parts hapless and ruthless---gets a legal frying pan to the face. And because a judge refused to take her shit for one more moment, her greatest nightmare is about to come true: an Obama policy is about to be enacted on her watch…
A federal court on Tuesday cleared the way for Obama-era student loan borrower protections to take effect, handing a defeat to Education Secretary Betsy DeVos after she fought for more than a year to stop the rules.
The rules make it easier for defrauded students to get their federal loans forgiven and they also prohibit colleges from forcing students to resolve complaints through arbitration, rather than going to court. […]
The court decision paves the path for the rules to now take effect, since Moss has already struck down DeVos’ various delays of the regulations over the past year as illegal. The Trump administration said last week that it would not seek a further delay.
The takeaway messages from the ruling vary slightly, depending on who you're talking to. For students: "That's gotta help." For DeVos: "That's gotta hurt."
JEERS to the idiots whose salaries you’re currently paying. Let’s check in and see how the latest profanity-laden brawl is progressing between Chief of Staff John Kelly, National Security Adviser John Bolton, and a hapless intern who happened to walk in at exactly the wrong moment:
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Trump’s personal physician was called in to perform emergency first aid after the melee finally ended. Sources say they were each given a lollipop and a pamphlet on bone spurs, and Bolton was successfully fitted with a new no-slip muzzle.
JEERS to the Big Dump. On October 19, 1987---on Saint Ronald Reagan'swatch---stocks plunged 508 points amid panicky selling. They called it"Black Monday." The lowlights as they unfolded:
10:30 AM With 140 million shares traded, the Dow is down 101 points, to 2145.
11:45 AM A brief turnaround gives traders a flicker of hope as the Dow regains 95 points in a half-hour.
1 PM As rumors spread about a NYSE shutdown, the Dow plunges 100 points in the next hour.
2:15 PM With the Dow down 300 points,an investor outside the NYSE screams, "Down with Reagan! Down with MBAs! Down with yuppies!"
4 PM The NYSE closes. Chairman John Phelan says it was the closest thing to a "financial meltdown" that he had ever seen.
The percentage decline (22.6%) was actually worse than the crash of 1929. Thank god we learned our lesson and, through sensible legislation, never had to experience anything like that again. Attaboy, Congress!
CHEERS to fair seas and a light breeze. The end of Atlantic Hurricane season is now just six weeks away, and after all the crap we’ve gone through over the last couple months, this is nice:
Nothing but deep acidifying blue sea, collapsing fisheries and massive plastic garbage patches. [Sigh.] How comforting.
CHEERS to wars worth fighting. On October 19, 1781, British General Lord Cornwallis (or, rather, a representative of his---Benny Hill, I believe) surrendered to Washington's Continental Army outside of Yorktown, effectively ending our War of Independence. The surrender agreement contained the first recorded use of the phrase "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!!!" (Full disclosure: Lafayette's idea.)
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's a brief rundown of some of the boob-tubage on this weekend. Tonight we'll be glued to Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O'Donnell as usual. (No Real Time with Bill Maher tonight.) New home video releases include Marvel's Ant Man and the Wasp and Gus Van Sant's Don’t Worry, he Won't Get Far On Foot with a supporting turn by Jonah Hill that could nab him a third Oscar nod. All four major sports franchises are busy this weekend: The last tattered threads of the baseball season are here (Congrats, World Series-bound Red Sox), the NFL schedule is here (The Patriots will make the Bears feel like going back into hibernation Ha Ha Ha!!!), the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. (Catch a flying tooth and win a free Bobby Orr bobblehead!) Saturday there's a StarTrek: TNG marathon on BBC America.
On 60 Minutes: hunting with eagles in Mongolia, and a look through some of the oldest subway sections in New York City that are the root of the system's problems. Sunday at 8 on the CW, the new season of Supergirl continues, and one of the new superheroes ("Nia Nal") is played by transgender Mainer Nicole Maines who, according to The Young Folks, "is a solid addition to the cast this season and will perhaps provide the right amount of new change that this show needs." This weekend is The Simpsons' annual Treehouse of Terror edition (Number XXIX), during which Springfield gets overrun by plant body snatchers. Kim Kardashian is this week's guest on Alec Baldwin's new talk show. (Sunday at 10, ABC.) And John Oliver, who did such a great job splitting open the rotten House of Saud last week, tosses another corrupt institution into the fire and watches it combust under the heat on HBO’s Last weeek Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Thom Tillis (R-NC); Anthony Scaramucci, the foul-mouthed dope who was technically “White House Communications Director” for all of five minutes, joins Chuck Todd on-set because---hey!---he used to be the White House Communications Director! Oooh Ahhh!
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Preempted by something or other. Probably a giant doggy birthday party at the John Dickerson mansion.
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Ben Sasse (R-NE) is invited on specifically by Jake Tapper to hawk his new book that’ll sell 50 copies if he’s lucky; Rep. Ted Deutsch (D-FL).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Arizona Senate candidate Martha McSally (R)….but for some strange reason Chris Wallace just couldn’t find a single moment of airtime for Democratic challenger Kyrsten Sinema. So fair and balanced! Plus Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY); and Jose Andres is the “Power Player of the Week.” (I think he wins a Sears toaster.)
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 19, 2008
BA-BUMP, BA-BUMP to non-routine maintenance. Dick Cheney went to the hospital this week to have the beating of his heart corrected. They keep it in a jar there. We hear it was a touching reunion.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the world's most lovable knucklehead. Moe and Larry had their pluses, but The Three Stooges weren't worth a poke in the eyes without Curly, aka Jerome Howard. He was hilarious while interacting with his co-stooges, but I think he was funniest during his more intimate solo comic moments, where he focused like a laser on achieving a simple task that nevertheless always remained just out of reach, like, say, eating oyster stew. Enjoy:
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Happy 115th birthday Sunday, Curly, wherever you are. Can I get a N'yuck N'yuck?
Oh, and there’s supposed to be a meteor shower this weekend. If you see one, shout out the immortal words of Eric Idle: “Pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere out in space cuz there bugger-all here on earth.” Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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