Every year (I think; don't quote me, I don't pay that much attention) Time Magazine comes out with a list of the 100 most important people in America, and they each get their own custom word-blurbs on how wonderful and influential they are, and of course Donald Trump has to be on it because he won an election for some random job that he doesn't quite remember and barely has time for between golf games, and every other Republican in America apparently has a knife fight to see which of them will get to write up the blurb on how wonderful a person Donald Effing Trump is.
Thanks to his past experience as the Zodiac Killer, this year the fight was won by Sen. Ted Cruz. You know, that Ted Cruz. The one who nearly sent the Republican National Convention into chaos by refusing to endorse Trump after Trump had clinched the nomination. The man whose father, Trump gleefully hypothesized on the campaign trail, helped kill President John F. Kennedy. The man whose own wife was declared by Trump not to be as attractive as his own. The man who tried to strike back, gamely, by (accurately) calling Trump a "serial philanderer" who "talks about his battles with venereal disease as his personal Vietnam," but who by the end of the campaign was making phone calls on Trump's behalf, on camera, looking like a man in a hostage video.
Yes, it is that man, Ted Cruz, who was given the honor of explaining to America the awesomeness that is Donald J. Trump. Do we dare look?
President Trump is a flash-bang grenade thrown into Washington by the forgotten men and women of America. The fact that his first year as Commander in Chief disoriented and distressed members of the media and political establishment is not a bug but a feature.
AH HA HA HA H—sorry, sorry. Yes, that is about enough of that. Oh, Ted Cruz, you were somebody once. Your whole schtick was the rebel outsider who couldn't be tamed, the man willing to do idiotic things for idiotic reasons if it would get him even a two-sentence blurb in the papers telling Americans how independent he was. What happened to you, Ted Cruz? You've changed.
But that, too, is Ted Cruz. You can call his dad a traitor and insult his wife, and he'll still praise you afterwards if he's convinced he needs to do it to keep his position in Washington intact. Oh, Ted. Ted, Ted, Ted.