America's most successful domestic terrorism lobby, aka the National Rifle Association, has been having an increasingly hard time explaining why, despite America saturating itself with guns in the last few decades, all these mass shootings keep happening. It is a mystery.
But they know it's not because of the guns so shut up. In fact stop even saying the word guns. And stop calling them mass shootings, you, um, gun bigots.
Since this is impossible to parody, we won't even try. Calling mass shootings mass shootings is prejudiced against guns; instead, we should call them Floofy Boom Booms. Or something.
These people get paid for this, by the way. The spokescritters of the NRA pocket a whole lot of member money in exchange for leaking these words out of their word-holes. You'd assume six or seven figure salaries—in 2015, Wayne LaPierre pocketed five million bucks from the group—could get you the very best pro-murder-weapon advocacy in America.
So it really does seem like this is the very best the group can offer.