From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Leave Them Kids Alone Edition
“The Trump administration is facing criticism for separating immigrant children from their parents. Some people said they couldn't believe Trump would do something like this. Then African-Americans, Muslims, DACA recipients, transgender troops, and special Olympians were like, ‘we can.’"
---Jimmy Fallon
“The president is very clearly, no matter what he says, using these children to try to get his wall funded. And here's the thing: If Trump wants to use kids as negotiating tools, the kids he should use are Eric and Donald Jr. They seem to be enormous tools. They are tools that wouldn't even fit in the box.”
---Jimmy Kimmel
“Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen dismissed demands that President Trump unilaterally end the practice of separating families at the border, and said, ‘Congress can fix this tomorrow.’ Really? Have you met Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase.”
---Seth Meyers
“Today on her way to show that she cares, Melania wore a jacket that says, ‘I Really Don’t Care, Do U?” That’s what they settled on? What was her first choice, a jacket that says, ‘Womp Womp’? She’s forgotten the most important fashion advice: before you leave the house, look in the mirror…and take off that jacket. I’m gonna guess this is one message she didn’t steal from Michelle Obama.”
---Stephen Colbert
“If, like most people, you’ve been feeling a little uncomfortable this week with our new Pre-K prisons, here’s good news: the President has fixed it with the next worst thing. … No more baby internment camps, just regular internment camps. Cool! That’s what we call a ‘win’ in 2018.”
---Samantha Bee
137 days ‘til the midterm elections. I usually want the summer to move along sloooowly. Not this year. Make it snappy, time gods.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 22, 2018
Note: Nostradamus predicted that a note would appear at this very spot at this very moment. I'm still waiting. What a fraud.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections: 137
Days 'til the Washington State Toy and Geek Fest: 8
Percent by which Trump claims crime went up in Germany last year: 10%+
Percent by which crime in Germany actually went down last year: 10%
Rank of Wegmans, Publix and Trader Joe’s among America’s favorite grocery stores, according to a study by Market Force: #1, #2, #3
Percent of Russia’s trash that comes from Moscow and its surrounding area: 20%
Deadline to bid on a beat-up Lockheed Jetstar once owned by Elvis: 7/27/18
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Wait…what?
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CHEERS to being born! A hearty "Happy Birthday and many blessings on your camels" to Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, who turned [hffrrhffrrhrrr] today. Republicans fought tooth and nail to keep her from getting elected to the seat once occupied by the mighty Ted Kennedy, and it's easy to see why: her brains, common sense and willingness to expose the banksters and Trumpbots as the scum-sucking vampire squids they are have made her the ideological North Star for the Democratic party and a huge swath of independents. Here she is in action this week, speaking against the confirmation of a really shitty judicial candidate:
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Our official C&J birthday gift to Senator Warren: a new pair of shoes with spikes in the toes.
CHEERS to the next governor of Maine. None of the Democratic candidates in last week’s governor’s primary reached the 50 percent threshold, so our ranked-choice voting system kicked in for the first time and, after a week of mild suspense, produced a winner. And guess what? She’s a girl!!!
Democratic Attorney General Janet Mills is the gubernatorial Democratic primary winner under Maine's new ranked-choice voting method, the nation's biggest test of the system, officials announced Wednesday.
Mills had the most first-place votes, and her lead held after additional rounds of tabulations under the system that had voters rank candidates from first to last on the ballot. […]
When asked about what it would mean to be Maine's first female governor, she said she will run on her "merits and qualifications and ability to get stuff done."
Mills has a lot going for her beyond her intelligence and steely-eyed resolve: as attorney general she picked a bunch of appropriate fights during the eight-year reign of Governor Paul “Mini Trump” LePage and won. She has the benefit of a rising blue wave in which female candidates are kicking ass and taking names. And the number of Democrats who turned out for the primaries outnumbered Republicans by a hefty 30,000. Her opponent’s claim to fame is he’s the owner of a car collision repair shop. When he loses, I’m not sure who’ll have more fun: the Democrats’ victory partiers or the media’s headline writers.
CHEERS to supporting the troops. 74 years ago today, President Roosevelt---he of the super-awesome Democratic Party---signed the G.I. Bill of Rights:
Although World War II was far from over, FDR was determined to plan ahead for a smooth transition to peace, both abroad and at home. The President proposed to Congress a way to level the economic impact of the war’s end and to integrate returning veterans back into American society.
It rewarded servicemen for their sacrifices with low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. Kind of like what George W. Bush wanted to do for servicemembers during his wartime presidency...minus the low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. (But double the deployments!)
CHEERS to fresh Keyboard Kingpin sightings. Wednesday night Samantha Bee aired a piece on the multi-million-dollar campaign that billionaire Tom Steyer is waging to impeach Trump. And who should show up 4 minutes and 4 seconds into it but our own Markos Moulitsas. Kos suggests that, while Trump is the most impeachable president ever, Steyer is inadvertently helping fire up the Republican base. Watch:
Now play it again, and this time watch Kos’s eyeblinks, which are secretly communicating the latest instructions from George Soros as he plots his deep-state invasion of America. We’ll need to divvy up the responsibilities: I’ll train the squirrels, you make their little parachutes.
JEERS to punishment via dumbstick. And then there's this little bit of scientific wankery, courtesy of the Catholic Church of yore. On June 22, 1633, Galileo Galilei was told that he had to "abjure, curse, and detest" his view that the earth revolved around the sun. Let's review the church's decree, shall we?
The proposition that the Sun is the center of the world and does not move from its place is absurd and false philosophically and formally heretical, because it is expressly contrary to Holy Scripture.
The proposition that the Earth is not the center of the world and immovable but that it moves, and also with a diurnal motion, is equally absurd and false philosophically and theologically considered at least erroneous in faith.
It took the Vatican over 350 years to admit their heads revolved around their asses. But they had a very good reason why: they were, like, y’know busy with stuff.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you need to head inside to beat the heat, here are a few odds and ends that might show up on your TV this weekend, starting tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow sifting through the Trump immigration-policy wreckage. On What Would You Do? (9pm ABC), real people are filmed via hidden camera reacting to an Hispanic child (actor) being scolded (by actors) for speaking Spanish. On HBO's Real Time at 10, Bill Maher talks with Michael Smerconish, Neera Tanden, Michael Pollan, JoshBarrow and Colion Noir.
New home video releases include Pacific Rim: Uprising and the gay-themed sleeper hit Love, Simon. The baseball schedule is here. (The Red Sox will “strand” the Mariners on deserted bases acting as metaphors for islands...Ha Ha Ha!!!) On 60 Minutes: the nightmarish hell of being smuggled into America, Governor Jerry Brown (D-CA) bloodies Trump’s nose, and the Scottish Island of Eigg. The 90-minute season finale of Westworld, which gets a coveted five-star rating from the WTF Is Going ON? Viewers Guild, airs Sunday night at 9. (Spoiler alert: all hell breaks loose when the robot version of Anthony Hopkins gets his circuits stuck in Lambada mode.) And this week’s edition of John Oliver’s Last week Tonight (HBO) gets pushed back to 11:30, so we’ll sacrifice a plate of Fig Newtons to the DVR gods and let them preserve it through the miracle of recording circuitry.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sen. and regular C&J reader Angus King (I-ME); Sen. and regular C&J kiddie pool drainer Jim Lankford (R-OK).
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Barbara Lee (D-CA); Sens. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and Ron Johnson (R-WI); Center for American Progress president Neera Tanden.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Former Homeland Security Jeh Johnson. Plus lots and lots and lots of fellating of the legacy of unremarkable conservative pundit Charles Krauthammer.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 22, 2008
CHEERS to cool science. I think I stopped being impressed with technology after I spent six hours bawling over the genius of the first automatic-flush toilets. But I gotta say, I'm really amazed at what scientists can do these days. They actually emailed a “corrective software patch” tens of millions of miles to the Mars lander Phoenix to take care of a small glitch. Apparently it was sending NASA employees' bank account numbers to Nigerian princes in its spare time. Naughty.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a lifetime of riotous indignation. Hard to believe it was ten years ago when we got the news that George Carlin had died at 71. Seems appropriate to remember him with some of his zingers, of which this is, oh, maybe one-zillionth-of-one-percent of 'em:
“Next time you're at a wishing well, ask to see the manager. Tell him you've been coming there for ten years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back—or I'm shittin' in the well!”
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Sometimes I sit for hours weighing the fine distinctions among spunk, pluck, balls, nerve, chutzpah, gall and moxie.
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“O Beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain
for strip-mined mountains' majesty, above the asphalt plain
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee
and hides the pines, with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
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I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.
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“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms. “
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There's a message window that comes up on my computer screen whenever I type a command the computer doesn’t like. It says, "Fuck you, I don’t do that."
More here. And it never hurts to revisit his decidedly un-work-friendly thoughts about those 7 famous words. Like a vuvuzela blast into the ear of a Puritan.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are youcheering and jeering about today?
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