The Pentagon announced today that the proposed $100 million military parade would be postponed, citing timing issues.
“It would be better to stage the parade as an exclamation point to celebrate the end of American democracy,” a spokesman explained, “and according to our current projections that may not occur until later in 2019.”
Speaking on background, officials cited the alarming possibility that free and fair elections may still occur in certain jurisdictions of the US in November of 2018, and that planning an overt display of fascism to occur just a few days after those elections could motivate certain wrong-headed individuals to vote against the correct political party.
“The general population needs to remain asleep,” one staffer said on condition of anonymity. “At least until after the coming elections. The last thing we need is a spectacle that just shoves the demise of the republic directly into everyone’s face. The Lügenpresse and other enemies of the people would have a field day with that.”
While the timing is now uncertain, planners are thrilled to have the opportunity to take their time to envision a truly grand event. In addition to the military elements, planners are expanding their horizons with a section displaying the enemies of the President, all in stocks so they can be pelted by attendees along the parade route, then ceremonially stripped of their security clearances and citizenship by the President in a climactic moment at the end of the event.
In the White House, aides scurried to reassure the President that his parade would occur soon. “It will be the biggest parade in history — period! And it will be all about your greatness! We’ll run it as soon as that Mueller things is over,” a close adviser reportedly consoled him. “And that’ll be around Thanksgiving,” he said, carefully not specifying the year.