From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
A "Serious" Update
Remember a hundred years ago in May, 2017 when Jimmy Kimmel announced that his wife Molly had delivered a baby (with the best possible name—Billy) who was born with a serious heart defect that would require multiple surgeries to correct, and then used his late-night megaphone to rain bricks on the Republican scheme to take away the patient protections in the Affordable Care Act?
"Before 2014, if you were born with a congenital heart disease like my son was, there was a good chance you wouldn’t be able to get health insurance because you had a 'pre-existing condition.' And if your parents didn’t have health insurance, you might not even live long enough to even get denied because of a pre-existing condition. No parent should have to decide if they can afford to save their child's life. It shouldn’t happen. Not here."
Naturally, his emotional words of common sense and compassion got shit on by Republicans. Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-LA) led the charge by using Kimmel's situation for political purposes in his desperate attempt to kill the ACA, and Kimmel called him out on it. The "Trumpcare" juggernaut failed, thanks in part to the national discussion Kimmel sparked.
Fast forward to Monday night, when we got a glimpse of how Billy's doing these days as his dad introduced a new children's book he wrote called The Serious Goose, the proceeds of which will go to children’s hospitals across the country. Consider this update your Thursday moment of Squee:
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And on that note, a quick reminder that the enrollment period for federal exchange-based ACA health insurance ends in 10 days. Take two aspirin and go to healthcare.gov.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, December 5, 2019
Note: If you break a Jesus ornament, you’ll immediately be sent straight to the deepest circle of hell. No takesie-backsies. A message from your friends at the United Hair-Trigger Church of Christ.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the British elections: 7
Days 'til the Cherrywood Art Fair at Maplewood Elementary School in Austin: 2
Percent chance that an American avoids drinking tap water at home because of safety concerns, according to Harper's Index: 1 in 3
Percent of the world’s internet traffic that is attributable to Netflix: 12%
Estimated drop in attendance at Disneyland in Hong Kong during the most recent quarter: 90%
Year our conservative ancestors, the Puritans, banned Christmas in Boston: 1647
Percent chance that the actual source of the Nile is a leaky faucet in someone's basement: 89%
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Ever since 1994, the Republican Party has gone after Democrats with the frenzy of a foaming mad dog. There was the impeachment of Bill Clinton, not to mention the trashing of both Clinton and his wife—accused of everything from selling drugs to murder—all orchestrated by that paragon of manners, Tom DeLay. [...]
[A]fter 12 years of tolerating lying, cheating and corruption, the press is prepared to lecture Democrats on how to behave with bipartisan manners. Given Bush's record with the truth, this bipartisanship sounds like a bad idea on its face. Go back to the first year of the administration, when Bush double-crossed Ted Kennedy in the No Child Left Behind Act. Think about it: You've said at the outset of your administration that you need cooperation to get anything done. Then you double-cross one of the senior senators of the other party when your re-education and labor agenda is dependent on him?
These people are not only dishonest—they're not even smart. Not that I recommend nailing them at every turn, but I wouldn't be surprised if they try to do it to Democrats. If what Republicans have been practicing is bipartisanship, West Texas just flooded.
—November, 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day: And the most popular puppy names of 2019 are…
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CHEERS to Day 1. And here we thought yesterday’s impeachment kickoff was going to be nothing but scholars blowing dust off six-inch-thick, 19th-century law books and droning on and on (and on) about the merits of ex dominus exigibus im parte scoleosus cum estee lauder. Happy to be wrong! If you just want the CliffsNotes summary, look no further than law professor Pamela Karlan, whose opening statement took dead-aim at Republican turncoats and drew blood quickly:
Oh, waiter? I’ll have what she’s having.
CHEERS to equality under the law. It would be nice if we had an equal number of male and female judges in our here judicial system. But as of now, if the numbers I've seen are correct, it's only around 36 percent. So cheers to Maine Democratic Governor Janet Mills for adding three women to our state bench, two of them replacing menfolk:
“These individuals are eminently qualified, highly experienced, and well respected,” Mills said in a written statement. “They have demonstrated a fidelity to the law and a commitment to render justice faithfully and impartially. I am confident that their proven abilities will serve the people of Maine well from the bench.”
The new nominations include two positions on the Maine District Court and one on the Maine Superior Court.
As our newest members of the court, each will receive a pinewood gavel, flannel robes, and an automatic seat at the judges' table during the blueberry pie bake-off at next year’s Livermore Falls Country Fair. (To answer your question: Yes. Absolutely everything we do in Maine is folksy.)
CHEERS to sweet victory. On today's date in 1792, George Washington won reelection. It was a brutal campaign. His challenger was a real jerk named...um...George Washington. Watching him debate himself was actually a little creepy:
"Shan't!"
"Shall!"
"Shan't!"
"Shall!"
”Thou can’st sticketh a rubber—or rubber-like, depending upon the seasonal availability of materials—hose uppeth thy snooty Virginia nose.”
"Thy wife weareth the boots of a paymaster in the Continental Army!"
"Okay, okay...thou hast me there, I concedeth the point."
"Then bullocks to you, I win!"
Oh...Did I mention he owned his own distillery?
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Daily Kos legend David Waldman (aka Kagro X) asks:
No.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to home sweet safe home. New rankings released by WalletHub ("For all your hub needs as they relate to wallets and such") say that Maine's two largest cities are among the safest in the country. Out of 281 cities studied for "home & community Safety, natural-disaster risk, and financial safety,” Portland ranks 31st, and Lewiston—which has a large and thriving immigrant population, so it should be a madhouse of crime, right?—ranks 25th. The top ten safest cities:
Columbia, MD
Yonkers, NY
Plano, TX
Gilbert, AZ
South Burlington, VT
Virginia Beach, VA
Bismarck, ND
Nashua, NH
Chandler, AZ
Warwick, RI
As usual, the most dangerous place in America remains the space between a megachurch grifter and an old lady’s checkbook.
CHEERS to "Martin Van Ruin." Our 8th president turns 237 today (but he doesn’t look a day over 195). In the negative column, he sat around picking his nose during the depression and panic of 1837, did nothing about slavery, and was on duty during the time of the shameful Trail of Tears. In the plus column, he averted conflicts with Britain and Canada. In the "sleeping on the couch" column, he never once mentioned his wife, Hannah (who died at 36 before he reached the White House), in his autobiography. Interesting tidbit from The Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:
Martin Van Buren was renowned for not taking a stand.
One story, which Van Buren admits to in his autobiography, tells how one senator accepted a bet that he could actually make Van Buren admit to something with finality. "It's been rumored that the sun rises in the east," said the senator to Van Buren. "Do you believe it?" "Well, Senator," came the reply, "I understand that's the common acceptance, but as I never get up till after dawn, I can't really say."
Oh, and before his one-way trip to the Alamo, Congressman Davy Crocket said: “Martin Van Buren is laced up in corsets, such as women in a town wear, and if possible tighter than the best of them. It would be difficult to say from his personal appearance, whether he was a man or a woman, but for his large red and gray whiskers." Fox News would never hire Crockett as a pundit today. Too restrained.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 5, 2009
CHEERS to Mr. Fixit. Wow—that was fast! President Obama holds a big "Jobs Summit," and less than 24 hours later the news breaks that the unemployment rate fell two-tenths of a percent!!! The White House is so excited that next week they've scheduled a Jobs Conference, Jobs Roundtable, Jobs Gaggle, Jobs Bazaar, Jobs Meet-Up, Jobs Huddle, Jobs Show 'N Tell, Jobs Orgy, Jobs Amish Barn-raising, Jobs Broadway Production Number, Jobs Spacewalk, Jobs Pootie Diary, Jobs Sleigh Ride, Jobs Flash Mob, and Jobs Canasta Tournament in Joe Biden’s living room. That's hope, baby!
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And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Whenever the shit gets too deep here on the bluish-brown marble, I head over to NASA's site to see if our new Space Force is conquering every ball of gas and rock in the known galaxy. Sorry to say the answer is no, so we'll just have to spend our days and nights gazing yonward and dreaming of death stars and cloaked Klingon vessels. This month’s major celestial events include lots of hot planet-on-planet action. Here's NASA's Preston Dyches with a preview:
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Preston forgot to mention another major December event: the Geminids meteor shower happens on the 13th and 14th. No biggie. We all make mistakes. But I still want that man fired.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"They Have a Really Sick Relationship": The View Predicts Bill in Portland Maine and Cheers and Jeers Will Get a Divorce
—Mediaite
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