From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: It’s Mueller Time (For Realz!) Edition
"As you probably know, the Mueller report is out. It’s 448 pages long. Say what you will about this president, he does have Americans reading again."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"So what's in the report? Mueller's team found lots of evidence that Russia ran a massive online campaign, including hacking emails, to undermine the 2016 election. Put it this way: Trump got into the White House about as legitimately as Lori Loughlin's daughter got into USC."
—James Corden
"My favorite thing in here is just a juicy morsel: that Don McGahn had to explain to Donald Trump what a lawyer does. Because when they were in meetings together, he was taking notes and Donald Trump was like, 'Why are you taking so many notes? I've had lots of lawyers before and they don’t take notes.' And [McGahn] was like, 'Well, I'm a real lawyer.'"
—Samantha Bee on The Late Show
"According to the report, when his then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions told the president that a special counsel had been appointed, the president slumped back in his chair and said, ‘Oh my god, this is terrible. This will be the end of my presidency. I am fucked.’ Oh. The one time we wanted you to be right, and ya weren't."
—Seth Meyers
"President Trump refused to be questioned in person by the special counsel, but he did submit some answers in a section titled, 'Responses of Donald J. Trump.' Now, I have reason to believe that these responses were not actually written by Donald Trump, because…uh…they're written."
—Stephen Colbert
And two years ago...
"Today at the White House Easter festivities, Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle."
---Conan O'Brien
Your complete and un-redacted west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 19, 2019
Note: If you missed our annual C&J fundraiser this week, here’s good news! Now you can check out my Top Ten Reasons to Own a Piece of My Soul (#7 will SHOCK you), and the various donation options, by clicking here. Thanks for supporting our little blog away from blog. We promise to continue delivering the finest in…well, everything. Because that's just how we roll. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Cinco de Mayo: 16
Days 'til Free Comic Book Day: 15
Amount raised by the Democratic presidential candidates in the first quarter: $120 million
Amount raised by Trump in the first quarter: $30 million
Years of tax returns Bernie Sanders released this week: 10
Minimum number of chocolate Easter bunnies produced this year: 90 million
Year Cadbury cream eggs were introduced: 1971
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Bo (can you believe he's 10 now?) and Sunny with their adopted family—Easter 2015:
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CHEERS to Mueller Time. Boy oh boy, Pappy, this has been the bestest Infrastructure Week ever! The Mueller Report "paved the road" to impeachment by "removing the dam" of Trump administration stonewalling and "building a bridge" between what we thought we knew we knew and what we now absolutely know we know. The president committed the crime of attempted obstruction no less than 10 times, barking orders at his staff to protect him even if it meant breaking the law (to their credit, they ignored him.)…his eldest son was deemed too stupid to be prosecuted for collusion…his press secretary lied constantly to the press…preznit said cuss words…and the Russians, oh the Russians behaved verrrrry badly.
Among those gutted in the report, Trump clearly comes off the worst—a president pathologically wired to behave like a petty gangster, protected from his worst instincts (barely) by his browbeaten, flummoxed lieutenants. But outside the report? Attorney General Bill Barr gets the Horse's Ass Award for acting instead like Trump's new fixer. (Sorry, Billy, but you'll never be Robert Duvall in The Godfather.) Now it's up to Democrats to throw all this skullduggery into their giant Oversight-O-Matic and whip up a frothy justice smoothie. Unlike with Bush and Cheney, I hope they remember to plug it in this time.
P.S.
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CHEERS to holiday fevuh! 2019 years ago today (or thereabouts), a bunch of Roman thugs nailed a rabbi to a cross while a filthy rabble with six teeth among them and a combined IQ of 12 watched the poor sap suffer and moan and dehydrate and bleed to death in the baking sun. I'll never understand why Christians call it “Good Friday.” Sounds more like Monday to me.
Today also starts Passover. For Jews it's a celebration of the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt. For conservatives, it's a celebration of what modern-day Republicans do to competent people in their ranks.
Then, two days from today is Easter Sunday, which is notable for two things: the day the aforementioned Christ the Savior rose from the dead, and the day Lenny the tomb attendant checked into rehab.
No matter how you celebrate the holiday, C&J reminds you: please gorge on Easter candy 'til you explode responsibly.
CHEERS to the keepers of the great orange overnight flame. It’s an act of courage and/or audacity to commit to writing a daily series here at Daily Kos (or anywhere, for that matter), but it’s downright Herculean when you look in the rear-view mirror and see that your series has passed the dozen-year mark. So please join me in wishing the team (Magnifico, side pocket, Chitown Kev, maggiejean, annetteboardman, Interceptor7, jck, and Besame) responsible for publishing the Overnight News Digest---first posted on April 19, 2007---a happy 12th blogiversary.
Having done my share of overnight shifts at various radio stations, I know there’s a real appreciation for having a gaggle of regulars to engage with while most people are catching their forty winks. So we salute the OND crew for keeping the Great Orange Satan’s lights on into the wee hours for so long. If you're burning the midnight oil or dealing with a bit of insomnia, stop by for a cuppa chamomile with a splash of Dewar's and some good conversation. But as I said back in 2007: keep the noise down or I’m calling the cops.
JEERS to gun nuts going gun-nutty. The Columbine High School massacre took place on tomorrow's date twenty---twenty!---years ago as Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold---who, yes, went bowling that morning---killed 12 classmates and a teacher and wounded 26 others. (If you feel so inclined, you can donate to the upkeep of the Columbine Memorial here.)
If this was any other year between 1999 and 2019, I’d express my usual pessimism about anything getting done to stop American human bodies from being used so frequently as convenient ammo receptacles. But those darn Parkland kids grabbed the NRA and its supporters by their blood-soaked lapels last year and yelled, “No more!” And whaddya know---legislation is getting passed in several states, gun sales are tanking, gun nuts got beat in a slew of 2018 elections, and even the NRA is watching its influence circle the drain. Last year President Barack Obama wrote an essay in tribute to them in Time magazine’s “100 Most Influential People” issue, and it's worth revisiting:
[B]y bearing witness to carnage, by asking tough questions and demanding real answers, the Parkland students are shaking us out of our complacency.
The NRA’s favored candidates are starting to fear they might lose. Law-abiding gun owners are starting to speak out. As these young leaders make common cause with African Americans and Latinos---the disproportionate victims of gun violence---and reach voting age, the possibilities of meaningful change will steadily grow.
Our history is defined by the youthful push to make America more just, more compassionate, more equal under the law. This generation—of Parkland, of Dreamers, of Black Lives Matter---embraces that duty. If they make their elders uncomfortable, that’s how it should be. Our kids now show us what we’ve told them America is all about, even if we haven’t always believed it ourselves: that our future isn’t written for us, but by us.
The NRA marked today’s anniversary the usual way. By cowering in their basement.
CHEERS to Evolution Man. Charles Darwin started out as a single wriggly cell in 1808, evolved into a fully-grown human being, and died on April 19, 1882. His legacy is always worth revisiting:
Influenced by the ideas of Malthus, he proposed a theory of evolution occurring by the process of natural selection.
The animals (or plants) best suited to their environment are more likely to survive and reproduce, passing on the characteristics which helped them survive to their offspring. Gradually, the species changes overtime.
[T]he logical extension of Darwin‘s theory was that homosapiens was simply another form of animal. It made it seem possible that even people might just have evolved---quite possibly from apes---and destroyed the prevailing orthodoxy on how the world was created. Darwin was vehemently attacked, particularly by the Church. However, his ideas soon gained currency and have become the new orthodoxy.
Of course, there are some organisms that demonstrate evolution can work in reverse. Like dust mites. And the current occupants of the West Wing.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The elephant in the room on TV this weekend is the 51st annual Easter-weekend airing of Cecil B. DeMille's The Ten Commandments tomorrow night---for nearly FIVE freaking hours---on ABC, featuring the mom from The Munsters as Moses' wife and music by the guy who also scored Airplane! and Animal House. (Spoiler Alert: Ramses chooses...poorly.)
But first we start tonight with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O'Donnell (essential viewing for the latest on the Mueller report). New home video releases include M. Night Shyamalan's hit thriller Glass and Keanu Reeves in the sci-fi actioner Replicas. The baseball schedule is here (Go Boston!), the NBA playoff schedule is here (Go Boston!!), and the NHL playoff schedule is here (Go Boston!!!). On 60 Minutes: a report on the statues of---what else?---Easter Island. Sunday night at 8 on CBS, you can boogey down with Motown 60: A Grammy Celebration. But HBO owns the night after 9, as the dragons of Game of Thrones join the gig economy as Lyft transportation, Selina Meyers's campaign heads down to South Carolina on Veep, and John Oliver wraps up the weekend in a happy little Easter bow on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: House Judiciary chair Jerry Nadler (D-NY); Rudy Ghouliani.
CNN's State of the Union: Former U.S. Attorney and constant thorn in Trump’s tuchus Preet Bharara; Count Giuliani emerges from his crypt to embarrass the White House yet again; former Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm.
Face the Nation: House Oversight Committee chair Elijah Cummings (D-MD); Sens. Cory Booker (D-NJ) and Mike Lee (R-UT).
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This Week: TBA
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: House Intelligence Committee chair Adam Schiff (D-CA); Rudy Giuliani tries to take a victory lap but runs into a woodchipper operated by Chris Wallace who is tired of his shit.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 19, 2009
JEERS to fuzzy crystal balls. The "experts" are at it again. In the business section of today's Portland Press Herald, there are three more examples of whoopsiness in three separate stories:
- First-time jobless benefit claims fell more than expected for the second straight week.
- The decline [in housing construction] was worse than economists had expected and February activity was revised lower.
- Nokia led high-tech stocks higher after the world's top mobile phone maker said it was maintaining its outlook for the phone market and had surpassed analyst expectations for mobile phone sales during the first quarter.
You can be an analyst, too! All you need is a coin and a springy thumb to flip it with. Add a pair of green eye-shades and you can charge an extra 25k.
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CHEERS to the mellowest national holiday ever. Tomorrow is 4/20 Day, and that means it’s also Ben Masel Day! Ben was a cantankerous, beloved Kossack (User ID 3982, joining one day before the debut of C&J in December, 2003), perennial attendee at our Netroots Nation conventions, and a good-trouble causer on behalf of legal pot, free speech and privacy rights whom the folks in Madison, Wisconsin will never forget.
Read John Nichols’ 2012 tribute to him here. He was the template for the dogged activist, and he’d be loving the rise of the Resistance, from the Freeway Bloggers to the sit-ins in Congress and state houses, to the historic marches, and especially the now-rapid acceptance and legalization of the demon weed.
In his honor, we plan to twist up a fattie as we watch The Wizard of Oz with the sound turned down and replaced with Dark Side of the Moon. And miss ol’ Ben. A lot.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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