Bad Lip Reading Returns
After an interminable 5-month hiatus…
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Thanks. I needed that.
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 17, 2020
Note: Hey, newborn babies! Here's your horoscope for your first day on earth: you're fucked. And your lucky numbers are: 3, 12, 19, 22, 25 and 37.
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By the Numbers:
32 days
Days 'til Rosh Hashanah: 32
Americans polled by Monmouth University who believe states are lifting covid restrictions too quickly and not quickly enough, respectively: 61%, 31%
Registered voters polled by Fox News who believe Congress should and should not, respectively, approve extended unemployment benefits as the pandemic continues: 66%, 27%
Biden's and Harris's favorability in the same Fox poll: 53%, 44%
Trump's and Pence's favorability in the same Fox poll: 43%, 41%
Percent chance that Adolf and Eva…er…President Trump and illegal immigrant Melania Trump, have requested mail-in ballots for the 2020 election: 100%
Factor by which you're more likely to date a supermodel than get a royal flush in poker: 7x
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Put 'er there…
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JEERS to Things Despots Will Do To Stay Out Of Prison for $500, Alex. After courageous postal workers and intrepid journalists pulled the curtain back, the Republican strategy for stealing the 2020 election is now laid bare: destroy the U.S. Postal Service as much as humanly possible during a raging pandemic. That's it. That's the strategy. And until I have reason to believe otherwise, I'm giving Donald Trump a 99 percent chance of "winning" this fall, because…
Anticipating an avalanche of absentee ballots, the U.S. Postal Service recently sent detailed letters to 46 states, including Maine, and the District of Columbia warning that it cannot guarantee all ballots cast by mail for the November election will arrive in time to be counted—adding another layer of uncertainty ahead of the high-stakes presidential contest.
The letters sketch a grim possibility for the tens of millions of Americans eligible for a mail-in ballot this fall: Even if people follow all of their state’s election rules, the pace of Postal Service delivery may disqualify their votes.
Maritsa Georgiou of NBC Montana produced this report that went viral and galvanized the attention of the entire country over the weekend, forcing the postmaster to stop ripping out mailboxes and destroying sorting machines (so he says):
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While Kos says the Republican Nazi Party pulled the trigger too soon and the sabotage effort will backfire, Mark Sumner outlines steps we can all take to make sure our ballots get counted—in short, don’t let the USPS anywhere near your ballot once you receive it. In the meantime, call your representative and your senators (yeah, even if they're Republicans) and unleash some righteous indignation. But be nice about it—use an air horn to bleep your F-words.
CHEERS to Night One. With the primaries way behind us and America searching high and low for effective leadership, it's time to focus, people—[clap clap]—focus! The Democratic National Convention starts tonight, and for the first time in our collective memory it'll be a mostly online event, thanks to the Trump Plague. But it'll still be a star-studded display of political derring-do starting at 9ET, and tonight's lineup includes:
Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN)
TV gets a lot classier tonight.
Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto (D-NV
New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo
Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer
House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn
Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-MS)
Rep. Gwen Moore (D-WI)
Sen. Doug Jones (D-AL)
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
First Lady Michelle Obama
Fearless prediction: the First Lady won’t be plagiarizing anything of Melania Trump's. Or, y'know…anything of anybody's.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to keeping track of America’s fugliest numbers. As the Senate took off for three weeks of frolic and play, and the president took off early for another long weekend of sex culting and golf (with his brother literally on his death bed), the Covid-19 world tour marched on (over 22 million cases around the globe now, with over 25% of them in the U.S.). Our Monday tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record continues, and let’s check the most depressing tote board in the world with all due reluctance as the death toll now nearly equals the population of America’s 150th-largest city Salem, Oregon:
10 weeks ago: 2 million confirmed cases. 112,000 deaths.
5 weeks ago: 3.4 million confirmed cases, 138,000 deaths
Meanwhile...
Last week: 5.2 million confirmed cases, 165,000 deaths
This morning: 5.5 million confirmed cases, 173,000 deaths
Meanwhile, the head of the CDC says if we don’t all start following the rules, "this could be the worst fall, from a public health perspective, that we’ve ever had.” In other words, this will be the worst fall, from a public health perspective, that we’ve ever had. Call me Nostradamus.
CHEERS to riding the rails. 122 years ago today, in 1898, Edwin Prescott patented his design for a "roller coaster." Followed the next day by a patent for "Ye Olde Hurl Bucket."
JEERS to unceremonious sendoffs. President Trump's brother died on Saturday. Also here's President Trump on Saturday:
Thoughts and whatevs.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 17, 2010
CHEERS to beer guts on the border (because it kept 'em off the streets for a day). Yesterday some tea party pied pipers lured a few hundred followers into the middle of Nowhere, Arizona to sweat, swear and swagger in protest of the usual scary brown people. Gee, I wonder if paranoia was part of the program:
"Instead of finding bugs in our beds, we’re finding home invaders," said Tony Venuti, a Tucson radio host ... "They know this rally is going on," [Sheriff Larry dever] said. "They are not fools. They’re experts. They probably know more about this than we do standing here." ... [Cindy Kolb] added: "We don’t like illegals hiding under bushes when our kids wait for the school bus. This border needs to be secure."
Things got a little awkward when they realized someone (Herb!) forgot to bring a can opener for the baked beans, so they had to beg a Mexican kid to throw his over the wall, which he did just as soon as Sheriff Arpaio rolled around in the dust squealing like a pig to his satisfaction. Is there a Nobel Prize for Comeuppance?
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And just one more…
CD #1
CHEERS to going for a little spin. Gather the kids round the intertube screen, it’s time for a little home-school lesson from Professor Billeh. On August 17, 1982 the first commercially produced compact discs were cranked out at a plant in Hanover, Germany, eventually causing vinyl record sales to plummet. (Bragging rights go to ABBA, whose “The Visitors” was lucky pressing #1.)
Today CD sales have plummeted as digital music takes over. But sales of vinyl records are continuing their years-long resurgence because of their richer sound and retro snaps, crackles and pops. I still remember the first LP I owned, at the age of six—a record of classic symphonic works for kids that came sealed with a long red wooden "baton." I spent a lot of hours wildly stabbing at the air while leading my invisible orchestra in the living room—and nearly poking my family's eyes out. Needless to say, my career as a guest conductor has been spotty at best.
But if you’re in the area, I’m leading the Squirrel Philharmonic in the 1812 Overture on the porch roof Tomorrow night. Tickets are just 10 cashews each. For an extra five, we’ll let you take shelter in our basement when the cannons start going off. (Those tree rats really love their gunpowder.)
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Dr. Fauci takes aim at Bill in Portland Maine: “He triggers some of the crazies in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool”
—Mediaite
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