Breaking News: Washington, DC August 17th, 2020 — NNNE News Desk
Donald tRump to finally Invoke Defense Production Act
OANN and Q-Anon News are both reporting the Donald tRump will be invoking the Defense Production Act late today or early tomorrow to mandate increased production of over the counter heartburn, antacid and headache remedies.
The recent run on these medications by republican operatives and office holders has completely depleted the national emergency stockpile. According to OANN lead White House propagandist, Chanel Rion, Jared Kushner is currently secretly buying stock in Bayer, Johnson & Johnson and Proctor & Gamble on behalf of his father-in-law [This was pulled from the OANN website once they figured out they aren’t supposed to say the quiet part out loud. It only took them 12 hours this time.] Kelly Loeffler has, unbeknownst to her and her husband, accidentally invested around a billion dollars into the same stocks during the last 24 hours.
Grocery and convenience stores, along with pharmacies, in red and pink districts all over the country are reporting nearly empty shelves. Ima Clerk, a Walgreen’s employee in the far suburbs of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, told us, “This is worse than the run on toilet paper and hand sanitizer. These republicans are so panicked they are clearing us out of headache remedies within minutes of whenever we restock. I’ve heard they are driving into Democratic districts, far away from the comfort of tRump 2020 signs, to make sure they have enough on hand to make it through the night.”
Rural hospitals and clinics are reporting a 666% increase in cases of complications from abuse of Prilosec and Tylenol. This corresponds exactly to the 666% increase in sustained panic attacks among republicans.
Yesterday, Donald tRump appeared in the Rose Garden to brag about the incredible gains in the available supply of little golden bricks. Republicans are pushed them out faster than tRump can gather them into his tiny hands.
Many White House staffers, speaking on background, without attribution and with a request for enrollment in the Witless Protection Program, told us that tRump has been pressured into invoking the DPA by governors Braindead Kemp, Grovel Abbott and Wrong DeathSantis. All three threatened to shut their states down and publicly call tRump a “stinky doodyhead” unless they could get enough supplies for all their staff and supporters.
In a related story, as the implications of what tRump is trying to do to the Post Office works its way through the republican faithful, sales of Preparation-H (and T) are expected to skyrocket. Preparation-T™ was formerly only available in Democratic districts. But, with the increasing numbers of people coming to their senses, the manufacturer is rolling out wider availability (full disclosure: Preparation-T™ is a product of NNNE Enterprises™).
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Evening Shade appears every evening at 7:30PM Eastern (unless I get lazy).
Cut and Paste Department. This is the regularly scheduled plea for readers. I’ve still only had to make two memes. You have it within your power to make me work. If you spread the word about Evening Shade and your spreadee announces themselves in the comments, you will become eligible to receive your very, very special noprize of a meme of your very own. All you have to do is jump up and get out there and start carnival barking, cajoling, proselytizing (or pimping, if you are of an irreligious bent). You could even pester and push. Procrastination is not an option — it’s a way of life.
It’s Monday and that can mean only one thing — Jessiestaf started the week with a collection of good news: Monday Good News Roundup
Goodie still has her Biden “working for us” thing working: Joe Biden will be a pro-worker president: Day 39 in 100 days of loving Joe Biden
Yosef 52 is going to be understandably miffed if you don’t share this information. I, on the other hand, will be appropriately pissed on his (and our) behalf: Post/ABC Poll: Biden 53, Trump 41, Biden Up by 17 Among Indies, by 20 With Coll. Ed. Whites
