It was a dark and stormy night at Top Comments; the mojo fell like employment stats under a Republican president, and Tara’s bosoms heaved like the eyeballs of a kossack trying to navigate the new dailykos front page, while her lips opened like a willing mailbox to cry out: “The 2020 Bulwer-Lytton Awards are here!”
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The Bulwer-Lytton Award is an annual contest where the object is to write the worst possible opening sentence to a hypothetical bad novel. The name comes from Edward Bulwer-Lytton, whose novel Paul Clifford famously started thusly:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
In addition to a grand prize winner, there are awards in categories such as romance, science fiction, vile puns, and my personal favorite, purple prose. Here’s a sample of this year’s literary offerings, but if you need a good laugh, go read the whole thing.
Grand prize winner:
Her Dear John missive flapped unambiguously in the windy breeze, hanging like a pizza menu on the doorknob of my mind.
-Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA
Dishonorable mention, crime/detective:
She sauntered into his smoke-filled office with legs that, although they didn’t go quite all the way to heaven, definitely went high enough for him to see that she was a giraffe.
-Jarrett Dement, Eau Claire, WI
Dishonorable Mention, Fantasy:
"Master Wlfindermx sauntered across the Plains of Teflandous towards the city of Gjorgturc carrying the mythical Blade of Vulbertrian, once owned by Lord Leszsoriog," wrote the author, who wanted to make the life of the audiobook narrator a living hell.
-Robert Greer, Queen Creek, AZ
Dishonorable mention, Dark & Stormy category:
It was a dark and stormy night, the kind where the orchestra in a crime movie would bang on a piece of wavy sheet metal and blow raspberries to add ambiance to the drizzle coming from an off-camera stagehand holding a garden hose.
-Benjamin Tennenbaum, Chicago, IL
Winner, Vile Puns:
As the passing of Keith Richards was announced on the evening news, just as had been done with Mick Jagger, Charlie Watts, and Ronnie Wood before him, Jorge gazed at the television in his Tijuana home and felt a sickening knot form in his stomach, for he realized that finally, after all the albums, concert tours, and era-defining cultural impact, the Rolling Stones would gather no más.
-Aaron Cabe, Hillsboro, OR
On to Top Comments!
From NWTerriD:
This comment from ornery dem captures the conflicting, debilitating, inspiring reality of what it means to be alive and sentient in this time, better than just about anything I've seen.
From otteray scribe:
Eric Nelson offers an excellent and thought-provoking diary length comment in sockpuppet's wreck listed diary, Yet Another Karen.
From your humble (if antisocially distant) diarist:
In Kerry Eleveld’s diary on Laura Loomer’s primary victory, MTMofo posted a Jeet Heer tweet that managed to be hilarious, terrifying, and completely true.
Top mojo, courtesy of mik:
Picture quilt, courtesy of jotter:
cd /home/jotter/dk4/dk4c; /usr/local/bin/swish-e -f 20200818.index 20200819.index -w 'images=(png or gif or jpg) not (images=(flame or candle or candleflame) or subject=(mojo or kitty or pooty or pootie or puppy or pony or ponies or meow or "tip jar") or (kitty or pooty or pootie or puppy or pony or ponie or meow) or cid=1)' -H 1 -b 0 -m 200 -s n_recrates desc -x ' '
