Yeah. You’re right. I’ll go first: “Sorry.”
Via Colbert...
-
I’m a bad boy.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 20, 2020
Note: A reminder that today is World Mosquito Day. I got mine a tiny pair of Garfield-eating-lasagna socks. So cute.
-
By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til International Bat Night: 7
Mainers polled by PPP who approve of how Trump is running the Postal Service: 31%
Percent chance that voters polled by PPP in Iowa, Florida, and Georgia are similarly pissed: 100%
Percent of U.S. adults polled by CNN who say they believe the votes for president will be accurately cast and counted in this year's election: 22%
Portion of U.S. AMC movie theaters opening back up this week, after opening half of the ones they own in Europe and Asia because those countries aren’t run by Republicans deliberately ignoring the coronavirus for political gain: 1-in-10
Year the spitball was banned from major league baseball: 1934
High temperature in Death Valley Sunday afternoon, a record for the month of August: 130F
-
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
The long-awaited and much-heralded Barack Obama did not disappoint, and when you consider the burden of expectation that had been placed on the poor man, that's almost miraculous.
I did not think he was as effective a speaker as Mario Cuomo was in 1984, but at least an A-minus.
He uses a wonderful rhetorical device the late senator from Texas, Ralph Yarborough, had down to perfection—topping one applause line with another, then again and again, until the crowd is roaring with approval.
A political star is born, always an exciting moment.
—July 2004 at the DNC convention in Boston
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: If the name fits…
-
CHEERS to Freedom Fighters: Episode 4. This is it, kids. The final night before Gallup announces the 20-point bounce. A rock 'em, sock' em virtual cage match against the treason and tyranny of Donald Trump, and one more chance to make our case (“Hey, whaddya say we not become Nazi Germany? Great idea, huh?”) to the country. Tonight's warm-up crew at the virtual Democratic convention, which has gotten almost universally-positive reviews, includes:
Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ)
Mayor Pete Buttigieg
California Gov. Gavin Newsom
Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms
If everyone hands in their ballot in person, this might be true.
Sen. Tammy Baldwin (D-WI)
Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-IL)
Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE)
Andrew Yang
And then, weighing in at [redacted] pounds and ready to uncork some grizzled, steely-eyed, forged-in-the-fires-of-D.C.-via-Amtrak whupass: Vice President Joseph…R…Biden!!! Or, for those of you who can't stand the sight of a thin-skinned malignantly-narcissistic fascist’s false teeth on the floor, we suggest The Weather Channel.
CHEERS to going postal on the postmaster. In five months, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will take their oaths of office as the caretakers of the federal government's executive branch, but only if all Americans committed to election fairness win an epic battle for the soul of our small-d democratic voting process. And the battlefield during our once-a-century pandemic is—unbelievably—the Postal Service, which Cadet Bone Spurs is trying to hobble so that on election night enough ballots are piled up in sorting centers to deliver him a fake, rigged victory. On that note, here's the latest—the good, the bad, and the ugly:
The Good Speaker Pelosi is moving up hearings with postmaster Assey McAssface from September 17th to next Monday. Rep. Katie Porter, breaker of evil witnesses, says, "I hope the Postmaster General comes prepared. I know I will."
» Every postal employee—500,000 strong—sees exactly what's happening and is providing valuable intel for Congress and state and local governments and election boards. (And they are as pissed as the rest of us.)
» The public, regardless of ideology, is coming out of their summer socks in outrage over what's happening to their beloved institution.
» Senator Joe Manchin is not happy. And if Manchin ain't happy, ain't no one happy.
The Bad The damage that postmaster McAssface has already wreaked will stay wreaked, he says. Meanwhile, sorting machines (including two here in southern Maine) and mailboxes continue to be ripped from the ground and tossed on the junk pile.
Not-so-fun fact: Postmaster DeJoy is married to Aldona Wos, who was secretary of the NC Department of Health and Human Services when they were charged with violating of the National Voter Registration Act.
The Ugly:
That’s it. That’s the ugly. No words. Just McAssface and McFuckface.
Caution: Please don’t punch your screen, as this may result in the unnecessary spending of your money in the consumer electronics sector.
CHEERS to statesmen who make us proud to be part of Club Democrat. True fact: state law requires every Mainer to either say "Happy birthday" to former Maine senator George Mitchell, who turns 87 today, or be banished to a life of misery in New Hampshire.
87 candles on Mitchell’s cake today.
So: Happy Birthday Mr. Former Senate Majority Leader! (And a damn good one, especially compared to that piece of Kentucky traitor filth currently stinking up his the office.) After spending 14 years in the Senate, he brokered peace in Northern Ireland, headed up an investigation of steroid use in baseball, tried his best to thread the Middle East peace needle, and helped resolve issues relating to working conditions in Bangladesh's garment industry. Last week Mitchell was asked if he could broker peace between those who prefer the toilet paper to hang over the roll and those who prefer that it hang under the roll. The response: "Dammit, man, I'm a negotiator not a miracle worker."
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
JEERS to mastering the six Ps in the wrong order: poor pandemic planning prevents proper performance. Here, in a nutshell, is the current state of the 2020-2021 school year after six months of Republicans treating the coronavirus outbreak like a minor annoyance:
"School's open. And…school's closed."
But maybe not all hope is lost. College officials say they may have a foolproof plan: put a giant plate of their cafeteria food in each classroom. Because not even the coronavirus would go near that chow. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! It's funny cuz it's true.
CHEERS to #23. Happy birthday to Benjamin Harrison, born on August 20, 1833 in North Bend, Ohio. As president from 1889 to 1893, he was the filling in the Grover Cleveland sandwich. And what a party animal! From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:
[I]n person the staunchly Presbyterian president was a virtual corpse.
Chilly, frigid, frosty—words like these were routinely used to describe the unpleasant experience of meeting privately with the man. [...]
”I’m not wearing pants.”
Senator Thomas Platt was the one who coined the moniker "White House Iceberg." As Platt explained, "Inside the Executive Mansion, in his reception of those who solicited official appointments, [Harrison] was as glacial as a Siberian stripped of his furs. During and after an interview, if one could secure it, one felt even in torrid weather like pulling on his winter flannels, galoshes, overcoat, mittens and earflaps."
Even Harrison's handshake was a flop, likened to "a wilted petunia."
Like Mike Pence. Minus the charm.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: August 20, 2010
CHEERS to heading down the right track. Gol'durnit, that President Obama is so disappointing! He's so disappointing! He's so...oh, wait, never mind. Today he's okay:
Soon, Americans might find themselves rocketing along ribbons of rails at 200 mph in sleek, painted passenger cars—never stopping until they arrive at destinations awake and refreshed. The [$8 billion] federal funding served as a down payment to develop the groundwork for 13 new high-speed rail corridors in the United States, including an Orlando-Tampa route.
"High-speed rail in America is long overdue and President Obama understands we can't build the economy of the future on the transportation networks of the past," said Federal Railroad Administrator Joseph Szabo. Funded by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, these new dollars represent a historic investment in the country's transportation infrastructure.
Every time I push him away he pulls me right back in. [8/20/20 Update: Oh well. It was a nice idea while it lasted.]
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to a ringing endorsement. Randy Rainbow, the #1 political musical parodist in America, just heard who Democrats nominated last night to be Joe Biden’s vice president starting five months from today. Here’s his verdict:
-
And Limbaugh claims he’s the one with “talent on loan from God”? Pfffft.
Have a nice Thursday. Wash your hands. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“"If you take one thing from my words this morning, it is this: if you think Cheers and Jeers cannot possibly get worse, trust me it can, and Bill in Portland Maine will if we don't make a change in this kiddie pool.”
—Michelle Obama
-
