Late Night Snark: Really Big Shoo Edition
"While the Democrats have been laying out a case that Trump is grossly unfit for office, Trump has been focused on his top priority: proving that he is grossly unfit for office."
—Stephen Colbert
“Just remember: Joe Biden goes to church so regularly that he doesn’t even need tear gas and a bunch of federalized troops to get there.”
—Night 4 Emcee Julia Louis-Dreyfuss
Continued...
"At this point, 'I can’t vote for Biden' is the left’s version of 'I will not wear a mask.' It’s a personal choice that could disproportionately hurt the most marginalized people among us, but at least you're doing your thaaang."
—Comedian Morgan Murphy
"I thought Kamala gave a good speech. My favorite line of all was when she said, 'I know a predator when I see one.' What I love about that line is it really shows you how bad Trump is. She didn’t even need to say his name, and we were all sitting at home like, 'Mmm-hmm, we know which predator she's talking about.'"
—Trevor Noah
"We know Kamala Harris will make a great VP because she believes there will be a 2021. That’s the kind of optimism we need in this country."
—Samantha Bee
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"Watching Barack Obama speak in 2020 is like running into your ex and seeing that they're doing so much better without you. They're better looking, they're more successful…you're like, 'Yep, it's over. I'm going to die alone.'"
—James Corden
“These last few nights have been going so well we’ve decided to add a fifth night, where we’ll just play Michelle Obama’s speech on a loop.”
—Julia Louis-Dreyfus, last night
“If you missed Michelle Obama’s speech, don’t worry. Melania will deliver the same speech at next week’s RNC,”
—Jimmy Fallon
And the cherry on top of this wacky week:
"Steve Bannon was arrested for allegedly skimming a million dollars from a scam charity that claimed to be raising money to build the southern border wall. According to CNN, Bannon was arrested on a boat off the coast of Connecticut by federal agents along with officials from the United States Postal Inspection Service. The postal service has a navy??? Nothing is more fun than imagining a bunch of postal service inspectors in their short shorts boarding a yacht and arresting Steve Bannon in a dramatic high-seas sting operation, swingin' down on a rope carrying letter openers like swords. How has there never been a CSI: Post Office?"
—Seth Meyers
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 21, 2020
Note: This evening’s special in the C&J cafeteria is Play-Doh casserole with Elmer's paste pudding. If you're on Weight watchers, that counts as 100 Yummy Points.
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By the Numbers:
Postmaster DeJoy testifies Monday.
Days 'til the House committee hearings for postmaster Louis DeJoy: 3
Rank of Georgia, Texas, and Florida among states with the highest number of coronavirus cases, per CNN: #1, #2, #3
Percent of Hispanic respondents in a half-dozen battleground states polled by the African American Research Collaborative and Latino Decisions who said they would vote or were leaning toward Biden before the Kamala Harris announcement, versus 26% for Trump: 59%
Percent after the VP announcement, versus 17% for Trump: 65%
Percent of women and men, respectively, polled by CNN who think schools should open up for in-person classes this fall: 31%, 48%
Percent of Black Americans polled by Gallup who say they're satisfied with the way Black people are treated here, down from 59% in 2008 and a new low: 35%
Rank of Gerlach, Nevada among the darkest towns in America, according to The World Atlas of Light Pollution: #1
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to a high-class joint. Comparing the Democratic online convention to next week's Trump shit show will be like comparing the difference between dining on filet mignon at Spago to dumpster diving for chicken nuggets behind McDonald's. Team D always clobbers Team R on optics, star power, emotional impact, messaging and—by a mile—diversity. A few notes from day 4:
» Considering the format had never been tried before, and under pandemic circumstances no less, the convention succeeded in getting out its message. (Spoiler Alert: Vote Democratic up and down the ticket EARLY and bypass the postal service when you're returning your ballot.) It was a fine four-day infomercial, many parts of which can be trimmed up and used as campaign ads. History both major (Kamala) and minor (CalimariGate) was made. And things moved along briskly.
Trump won’t need to wear a mask during his convention. Anything that comes in contact with his nasal cavity instantly dies.
» Night 4 emcee Julia Louis-Dreyfus got off some good lines, including: "Tonight I couldn’t be prouder to be a loyal union member, a passionate climate activist, and a patriotic Democrat. Or as Donald Trump will call me in a tweet tomorrow: ‘a washed-up, horse-face, no-talent has-been with low ratings.’ Well, with all due respect, sir, it takes one to know one."
» For all its hope and optimism and sound policy ideas, this Democratic convention also swung a mean left hook that dropped a lot of Republican teeth on the floor. Fortunately for them, dental restoration work is covered by Obamacare.
» New Hampshire student Brayden Harrington got standing ovations in homes across America for relating how Joe Biden helped him work on his stuttering disability. More on Brayden's story from a February report on CNN.
» Biggest whiff: Biden delivered his speech in a suit and tie from a lectern instead of in overalls and a miners lamp from atop a hay bale in a diner. So out of touch with average Americans!
Conclusion: considering they had to put all this together on the fly, the media and political pundits and marketing consultants all agreed that the high-tech, social media-savvy Democratic convention was a spectacular success. "Yeah, well you ain't seen nothin' yet, just you wait and see," said the Republicans as they fired up their shiny new fax machines.
CHEERS to wishes granted. For the last four years, every night before I went to bed I prayed the same thing to Baby Jesus: "Lock…them…up! Lock…them…up!" I didn’t even have to say who I wanted locked up, because Baby Jesus, being strong in the ways of The Force, already knew. And yesterday He answered my prayer once more:
The sight we’ve all been waiting for: an honest-to-god courtroom sketch of Steve Bannon in cuffs.
New York federal prosecutors on Thursday charged President Donald Trump's former campaign adviser Steve Bannon and three others with defrauding donors of hundreds of thousands of dollars as part of a fundraising campaign purportedly aimed at supporting Trump's border wall. […]
The four men are indicted for allegedly taking hundreds of thousands of dollars donated to a group called We Build the Wall and using the funds for personal expenses, among other things.
According to prosecutors, Bannon, through a non-profit identified as Non-Profit-1, used more than $1 million from We Build the Wall to "secretly" pay another defendant, Brian Kolfage, and cover hundreds of thousands of dollars in Bannon's personal expenses.
One fun little detail: Bannon was arrested by officials with the U.S. Postal Service. Baby Jesus, you little scamp.
P.S. Scary…….
Well done, Nostradamus.
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Ha ha! He wears curlers.
CHEERS to ticking off that dude in curlers. On this date in 1775, King George III got all pissy and accused the colonies of being in "an open and avowed rebellion" and asked "our obedient and loyal subjects to use their utmost endeavours to withstand and suppress such rebellion, and to disclose and make known all treasons and traitorous conspiracies which they shall know to be against us." And we were all, like, "Huh? Are you referring to little old us? Why, we’re just grubby ol’ farmers and fussy old shopkeepers—we wouldn’t hurt a fly!" Then we declared independence and kicked his ass. Psych!
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to securing macadamia nuts for the Homeland. Sixty-one years ago, on August 21, 1959, President Eisenhower—whose moderate views would prompt Trump cult comparisons to Hitler if he was around today, which would be weird considering he defeated Hitler—signed an executive order proclaiming Hawaii as America's 50th state, unwittingly setting the stage for a secret plot by scalawags to, three years later, import a Kenyan-born baby in swaddling clothes to take over the Executive Branch in 2009 and kill all our old people with death panels. (That happened, right?)
Hawaii has excellent Senate representation in Brian Schatz and Mazie Hirono.
Even though Cokie Roberts may have tut-tutted you for being too much of a "foreign, exotic place," Hawaii, C&J luvs ya just the way you are. Tonight we celebrate with some tiny bubbles in the wine. And later maybe a few more in the tub.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Quick roundup of TV fare for the weekend, starting tonight with Chris Hayes’ and Rachel Maddow's recap of the convention and latest Friday news dumps that landed in our collective lap today.
Joe & Kamala: Sunday night at 8 on The ABC.
Rev. William Barber is on tonight’s Real Time with Bill Maher, but fair warning: you’ll also have to put up with John Kasich and Oliver Stone and also Bill Maher. New home video releases are a hodgepodge, but Rotten Tomatoes should have something worth a look. The world of sport is active again: the NBA schedule is here, the baseball schedule is here, and the hockey games are here. Plus: CBS is airing the final rounds of a PGA tourney taking place at TPC Boston, which is in…I forget which city, and the 104th Indy 500 starts Sunday at 2:30 on NBC. Sunday at 8ET on ABC's 20/20, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris sit down for their first prime time interview together. And to answer your question: yes, John Oliver wraps up the weekend at 11 with a fresh edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Mayor Pete; Trump stooge Jason Miller; Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA).
And on all the networks, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln shows up to get some opinions about Trump off his chest. Parental guidance suggested, as there will definitely be a LOT of cuss words.
Face the Nation: Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti; former FDA administrator Scott Gottlieb; 2016 election spoiler James Comey; RNC chair Mitt Romney’s Niece but we have to call her Ronna “McDaniel” because Trump gets so MAD at the name Romney; Notre Dame president John Jenkins.
This Week: Biden’s Deputy Campaign Manager and Communications Director Kate Bedingfield; Truly effed-in-the-head White House chief of staff Mark Goebbels….er, sorry, so clumsy of me...Meadows
CNN's State of the Union: Speaker Nancy Pelosi; perennial nobody Anthony Scaramucci; some guy named Chad Wolf who claims to be the “acting” director of Homeland Security, but legally isn’t.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Mark Meadows; Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 21, 2010
CHEERS to going where no loop-dee-doo has gone before. Orly Taitz has been trying to wriggle out of a $20,000 fine for wasting a federal judge's time with her multiple futile attempts to get her Obama "birther" conspiracy validated by a court. She took it all the way up to Clarence Thomas who, as usual, said nothing but just circled his ear with his finger. Then she tried with Samuel Alito and lost. And yet she vows to continue her fight up the chain of command. My god—she's taking it all the way to Oprah!!! Look not into her eyes or to stone thou shalt turnest! (Funny thing—I'm not sure if I'm yelling that at Taitz or Oprah.)
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the birthday pootie. Eleven years ago tomorrow, Michael and I visited our local shelter to adopt a feline fuzzball, and we chose the one that was kind enough to recognize that our ankles weren't hambones to be gnawed on. We named her "Fantom" because she has a black "mask" across her face and loves to skulk around in the basement. Fantom is a petite thing as cats go, a tiny tortie weighing in at around six pounds with stubby li’l legs.
The beast, yesterday.
Over the past few years, since my twin (and victorious) bouts with cancer, she's become downright nurse-like, and there isn’t a night that goes by now where she doesn’t come to bed with me and lay across my legs for ten minutes or so before padding off to guard the house from her living room chair. It's been, as they say, a rewarding bonding experience.
Otherwise, her days are filled with typical cativities: eat, sleep, drink out of the faucet, have stare-downs with squirrels on the porch roof (they know she won’t catch them, let alone do any damage if she does, so they've basically adopted her as their beloved Aunt Scowlypuss), teach our dog Haley who's boss, de-wing houseflies, purr when skritched, phone-bank to defeat Trump, and turn down any food not topped with beluga caviar. So tomorrow the world will once again prostrate itself at the altar of Fancy Feast to wish Fantom another Happy Barfday. With the possible exception of the patients down at the Housefly Wing Reattachment Clinic and Convalescence Center.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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