In the wake of the enormously successful virtual Democratic National Convention, Republicans are scrambling to find ways to organize their convention that will outdo that of the Democrats.
While much of the RNC will also be virtual, there will be in-person events with crowds to make President Trump happy. The wearing of masks will be discouraged—unless they have Confederate or Nazi flags on them.
Bleach and disinfectants, as well as medicines made from alien DNA, will be available for attendees to ingest or take through hypodermic injection.
Many Republicans appeared at the DNC. Since not a single living Democrat could be found who has switched to support Trump, the Republicans will counter with recordings of Woodrow Wilson acclaiming the Ku Klux Klan for saving white womanhood, praising Birth of a Nation for being so accurate, and telling Americans that the 1918 influenza pandemic was nothing to worry about.
The main counter to the Democrats will be the powerful lineup of speakers. We have obtained a copy of the lineup. (Note, at his insistence, the President, who fits into all the categories will be featured closing speaker on all four nights):
MONDAY
Crime and Corruption Night
Jared Kushner
Betsy DeVos
Wilbur Ross
Tom Price
Scott Pruitt
Ben Carson
Steve Bannon
Elaine Chao
Steve Mnuchin
Donald Trump
Michael Cohen was part of this group, but, on the order of the President, he was disinvited.
Several Trump cronies will appear from prison. Which ones has yet to be determined.
TUESDAY
Miscellaneous Trumpistas Night
On the convention’s second evening, several topics for which there was not space in the four-day schedule for a full night will be featured:
Women
The idea of devoting an entire evening to women was considered, but quickly rejected by Mr. Trump, who dictated women be folded into Tuesday night’s program. It will emphasize the two acceptable roles for women—housewife or sex object—and will feature appearances by:
The Stepford Wives
Several of Mr. Trump’s numerous mistresses
Science & Medicine
Dr. Stella Immanuel
Mike Lindell, the My Pillow guy
Sycophants, Toadies, Ass-Kissers & Traitors
Lindsey Graham
Mike Pence
Ron Johnson
Devin Nunes
The entire Trump Cabinet
Pedophiles & Sexual Assaulters
Ghislaine Maxwell
Roy Moore
R. Kelly
The Least Reverend Theodore McCarrick
Donald Trump
WEDNESDAY:
Fascism Night
David Duke
Martin Kerr (head of the American Nazi Party)
Aleksandr Dugin
Sebastian L. v. Gorka
Stephen Miller
Pepe the Frog
Donald Trump
Thursday
Dictators and Murderers Night
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan
Viktor Orbán
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman
Kim Jong-un
It is still uncertain whether Xi Jinping will appear. As he has often said, Mr. Trump greatly admires him and his authoritarian-for-life rule, but the American Führer has yet to decide whether he will use him as the source of “the Chyyna virus.”
The grand finale on Thursday is definitely not to be missed. It will include special Skype appearances from hell by:
Adolf Hitler
Satan
They will be joined, to introduce Mr. Trump for his acceptance speech, by:
Vladimir Putin
And, from an undisclosed location, the voice of:
