America’s only remaining native criminal class1 will be gathered remotely this week in what is expected to be a big part of their “Let’s Steal Another Election” Festival 2020 tour.
After previous stops in Tulsa, Phoenix, St, John’s Church on Lafayette Square and a secret hiding bunker under the White House, the Whiner-in-Chief will happily recite a long list of his greatest grievances. China, Obama, Pelosi, Biden, Hillary, the Squad, Deep State, crisis actors, fake news, nasty women. the left-wing socialist antifa terrorists, George Soros and the scary monster under Donnie’s bed will all be variously blamed for causing all of his failures. He is expected to string this out across all four days of the festival.
Not all of the events planned for this week will be open to the public. Just like their regular weekly plotting sessions, most of the real business of the republican party is conducted behind closed doors, far away from the eyes of their constituents. Being diligent resisters, we’ve managed to get our hands on notes about some of the behind the scenes events, staged exclusively for members of the 10th Circle Incarnate, a deep-pocketed group of enablers and front men.
Monday will feature the oaths of the shills, where the party’s newest spokesweasels will swear eternal fealty to the forked tongue of the serpent and his servant in the flesh, Rupert the Malefactor. The new acolytes will fan out across the media landscape to replace the partisan adepts lost over the last years to scandal, mental deterioration and repatriation to Russia.
Party elders will gather in secret conclave to anoint themselves in the blood of innocents and reconsecrate their lives to their dual purpose of party over country and owning the libs.
The Grievance Committee (formerly the Platform Committee2) will meet to adopt the complaints of white men with little talent, no confidence and no ethical standards as the official whines of the republican party.
Wilbur Ross will put on three complete sessions of his popular How to Launder Money Without Alerting the IRS or Bank Examiners. tRump Jr. is expected to attend, hoping to learn how to fix the trouble his family is already facing.
We expect to have reports about the plans of the Cruelty Committee, the Working Group for Identifying New Ways to Misappropriate Funds, the Talking Points Enforcement Group, the tRump for Sainthood Committee and the Directors of the Fund to Defend Republicans Against Indictments in the very near future.
We had hoped to have more for you today. Unfortunately, our operative on the inside, hurt himself laughing over the tRump sister tapes. He was unable to continue. His replacement hurt himself laughing over tRump’s announcement about granting emergency authorization for the, as yet unproven, coronavirus plasma treatment. Dr. Donald is once again talking out his ass, making baseless claims and hoping that he’ll be correct for once.
1Apologies and a hat tip to Mr. Twain
2They decided to make no changes to the platform and just recycled the same bilge water they produced four years ago, allowing them to dedicate more time to whining.
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