The CDC has just issued a potential mass brain trauma alert.
CDC Headquarters, Atlanta, GA — Monday, August 24th, 2020 1:42PM EST
For general release:
An intelligence draining event is scheduled to commence in person and on our broadcast networks later this evening. The tRump administration has once again refused to heed our advice, aimed at limiting the damage, and is moving ahead with the event.
This evening millions of people are going to be exposed to enough snake oil, gaslight, distortions and unvarnished mendacity to drain the brains out of zombies. Studies have demonstrated a decades long dumbing down of America led by dittoheads, teabaggers and whiteholes. This has culminated in the recent outright rejections of science. Today, the administration will try to put gut feelings and selectively misinterpreted God talk on an equal footing with objective evidence. They wish for everyone to become unquestioning knuckle-dragging followers of their paragons of incompetence. The assault won’t be insidious. They’ve moved past that. They will directly try to legislate a system encouraging everyone to become as stupid as they are.
Anyone likely to be exposed to this event should immediately take precautions against possible contamination and the long-term effects of being exposed to the unconstrained spread of a sick philosophy. Acts of cruelty, indifference and outright evil are predicted side effects of the main psychopathogens.
While there is no universally accepted treatment for reversing the infection, research continues. Widespread prophylactic measures to reduce the likelihood of succumbing to the republican pestilence have proven quite effective.
Among these are:
- an actual education (unavailable at Liberty University)
- ability to think for oneself
- healthy skepticism
- some awareness of logical fallacies and other rhetorical tricks
Even taking all precautions, we recommend only tuning in for brief moments. Should you feel sick to the stomach, turn off the event, sit down and scream. Under no circumstances should you punch the wall or throw something at the television, as you will regret those actions almost immediately.
Up the Resistance!
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Evening Shade appears every evening at 7:30PM Eastern (unless I get lazy).
Cut and Paste Department. This is the regularly scheduled plea for readers. I’ve still only had to make two memes. You have it within your power to make me work. If you spread the word about Evening Shade and your spreadee announces themselves in the comments, you will become eligible to receive your very, very special noprize of a meme of your very own. All you have to do is jump up and get out there and start carnival barking, cajoling, proselytizing (or pimping, if you are of an irreligious bent). You could even pester and push. Procrastination is not an option — it’s a way of life.
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