Your Thursday Mega Molly Ivins Moment
Can’t let the week go by without wishing a happy birthday (her 76th) to the late, great shitkicking journalist Molly Ivins. When one of her columns came out, time would stand still as I hoovered up her wit, keen political insight, and righteous anger. And when she released a book I’d run over any number of old ladies to get at it. She left us 13 years ago, but her Texas sass has lost none of its bite. A few gems from her voluminous archive, every one of them as relevant as ever:
» “The American press has always had a tendency to assume that the truth must lie exactly halfway between any two opposing points of view. Thus, if the press presents the man who says Hitler is an ogre and the man who says Hitler is a prince, it believes it has done the full measure of its journalistic duty.”
» Texas sign in front of a pharmacy: GENERIC PROZAC NOW IN, GOD BLESS AMERICA.
Continued...
Molly, continued...
» “Republicans in the Senate have constructively declared English the national language. That'll fix everything. Every foreigner at our borders will stop and say: ‘Gosh, ma foi! English is the national language here. Good thing to know. I'll begin speaking it immediately.’ Yes sir, you want a solution, call a Republican.”
Belated happy birthday, Molly.
» “OK, it's not the 19th century anymore, but it is always the right time to point out that the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes. Honest. There stands George W. Bush, buck nekkid. We want to help him out of this fix because he's dragging the whole Army, the country and the world down with him. But don’t ask us to call those clothes.”
» "If you grew up white before the civil rights movement anywhere in the South, all grown-ups lied. They'd tell you stuff like, "Don't drink out of the colored fountain, dear, it's dirty." In the white part of town, the white fountain was always covered with chewing gum and the marks of grubby kids'paws, and the colored fountain was always clean. Children can be horribly logical."
» The danger of the blogosphere is reading only those you agree with. While there are right-wing blogs that are entertaining freak shows, it’s hard to find substantial journalism there. I hate to list bloggers I like because I’m bound to leave out so many, but here goes: Daily Kos, Eschaton, Altercation, Political Animal and Media Matters.
Now on home video.
» “One of the things that concerns a lot of Americans lately is the increase in plain old nastiness in our political discussion. It comes from a number of sources, but Rush Limbaugh is a major carrier. I should explain that I am not without bias in this matter. I have been attacked by Rush Limbaugh on the air, an experience somewhat akin to being gummed by a newt. It doesn't actually hurt, but it leaves you with slimy stuff on your ankle.”
And, of course, her reaction to Pat Buchanan's 1992 Republican convention speech: "It probably sounded better in the original German."
If you haven't read the biography Molly Ivins: A Rebel Life by Bill Minutaglio and W. Michael Smith, it's a good account of her amazing yet far-from-charmed life that ended too soon. And Janice Engel's documentary Raise Hell: The Life And Times of Molly Ivins is now available on home video, having earned rave reviews on the film festival circuit and a 94% “Fresh” rating at Rotten Tomatoes. Here at C&J, we pledge to keep posting our weekly Thursday Molly Ivins Moments, as we have since 2007. Even though she's no longer with us, her writing is still like Red Bull for the progressive soul.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, September 3, 2020
Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J on Labor Day, so you'll have to cobble your own together out of Spam, dryer lint and tinfoil. Please submit complaints to the proper authorities. Or just think them in your head and the NSA will transmit them to the proper authorities free of charge. Thank you. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til Drive Your Studebaker Day: 9
Amount the Biden-Harris campaign raised in August: $350 million
Minimum number of mail ballot drop boxes Colorado will have for the general election according to Secretary of State Jena Griswold, an increase of 49% since she was elected in 2018: 368
Portion of nursing homes in America that still lack proper supplies of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE): 1-in-5
Estimated time the reopening of in-person classes in New York City is being delayed because of the Covid risk: 2 weeks
Percent chance that Trump's newest pandemic adviser, Dr. Scott Atlas, dismissed school reopening concerns among parents and teachers as "hysterical": 100%
Percent chance that Sen. Susan Collins is refusing to endorse her cult leader Donald Trump for reelection because she's too busy thinking about her own reelection prospects: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: What's it all about, Blitz?
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CHEERS to debunking the lies. They're coming fast and furious from the impeached president with the lengthy criminal record, so C&J is here to set things right for the historical record:
Claim: Protesters are weaponizing “bags of soup” against police.
Fact: Protesters are opening non-violent “cans of whupass” against racial injustice.
Claim: Trump was rushed to the hospital in November after suffering a series of mini-strokes.
Fact: Trump was not rushed to the hospital in November after suffering a series of mini-strokes. he was driven there at a leisurely speed because the driver was a secret member of the deep state.
This claim is also fact.
Claim: Escalating violence and chaos in our cities are the fault of President Biden.
Fact: Biden doesn’t take office for another four months. The current president on duty is Donald J. Trump. Sorry, did I say on duty? I meant on Adderall.
Claim: Planes loaded with "thugs" who are "in the dark shadows" are getting in the other passengers'faces.
Fact: Planes loaded with "toddlers" who are "in the terrible twos" are getting on the other passengers' nerves.
Claim: In Portland, Oregon, "the entire city is ablaze all the time."
Fact: This one is true…if you're talking about all the joints they’re lighting up all the time. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
You are now up to speed. Oh, and historical societies around the world? Please stop sending me honorary degrees. My wall can’t hold any more.
JEERS to flying blind. A couple years back, Triple A announced that they were disappearing a cherished Labor Day weekend tradition: their holiday travel predictions, alerts and advisories: How many people will be traveling by plane? By car? By train? By jetpack? By pterodactyl? Where will the bottlenecks be? When will traffic be heaviest? Lightest? Mediumest? And how can you protect you and your family from random pterodactyl attacks on our highways and byways? Sorry, folks, but Labor Day has fallen so far in AAA’s esteem (we suspect Putin is somehow involved), that all you get now is "news" about effing gas prices. So—[Splot]—here ya go:
The national gas price average spiked by a nickel on the week to $2.23, but is expected to push cheaper in the week ahead. Pump prices jumped as a result of Hurricane Laura and an increase in demand for one of the highest measurements of the year.
Helpful Travel Tip: If you see this in your rear-view mirror, give it a wide berth.
Today’s national average is a nickel more than last month, but 35 cents cheaper than a year ago. On the week, all but five states saw state gas price averages increase. Of those that saw jumps, nearly 20 state averages are 5 to 15 cents more expensive.
If you're planning an end-of-summer excursion to the beach, the mountains or a secluded cabin in an enchanted forest, please drive with care and flip people off responsibly. And if you die of starvation and/or dehydration in a traffic jam because Triple-A refused to provide you with the crucial data that could've spared your life, can I have your sweater vests?
CHEERS to the happiest ending...evuh! On September 3, 1783, our War of Independence ended when a treaty was signed by Great Britain and the United States:
It was signed in Paris by Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and John Jay.
The actual pen used to sign the treaty.
Under the terms of the treaty, Britain recognized the independent nation of the United States of America.
Britain agreed to remove all of its troops from the new nation. The treaty also set new borders for the United States, including all land from the Great Lakes on the north to Florida on the south, and from the Atlantic Ocean to the Mississippi River. ...The United States also agreed not to persecute loyalists still in America and allow those that left America to return.
Afterward, the founding fathers got together in a circle, held hands, and recited the Pledge of Allegiance. And then Jesus rode in on a dinosaur with news he had just finished digging the Grand Canyon. The things you learn on Conservapedia these days…
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to confirming the obvious. It's official: German doctors now agree that Vladimir Putin's political rival was, in fact, poisoned. They say they came to their conclusion unanimously after lab results came back showing that Alexei Navalny tested positive for being Vladimir Putin's political rival.
CHEERS to pigskin fever. On this date in 1895, the first professional football game was played. The Latrobe (PA) YMCA defeated the Jeannette Athletic Club 12-0. Scandal erupted when half-time entertainer John Phillip Sousa—in the first documented "wardrobe malfunction"—reached down and "accidentally" ripped a piece of a piccolo player's stocking to reveal an exposed ankle. Thank god she was wearing a "fibula medallion" or there would’ve been a riot.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 3, 2010
JEERS to our constitutional right to be really, really—oh, what's the word?—stupid. Why do politicians feel such freedom to run roughshod over We The People? Because, frankly, we make it so easy for ‘em:
Asked to name the current chief justice of the Supreme Court, and given four possible names, nearly one-in-ten Americans (8%) choose Thurgood Marshall, despite the fact that Justice Marshall left the Supreme Court roughly 20 years ago, and passed away in 1993. In fact, very few Americans can name the current chief justice in a Pew Research news quiz; just 28% were able to correctly identify John Roberts. Another 6% thought the recently retired Justice John Paul Stevens was chief justice, while 4% named Sen. Harry Reid. A majority (53%) admitted that they did not know the answer.
The news isn’t all bad. Half of those surveyed can list the days of the week, and a whopping 85 percent can function without having to write "remember to breathe" on their hand.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Minty freshness. "The new America the Beautiful State Quarter is here! The new America the Beautiful State Quarter is here!!!" The latest in the series, which celebrates America's national monuments, is technically getting released today though the coins won’t start showing up at banks until later this month. It represents the foreign and exotic land known as "Vermont." Specifically, Marsh-Billings-Rockefeller National Historical Park (“the only national park dedicated to telling the story of conservation history and the evolving nature of land stewardship in America”). Here's sculptor Michael Gaudioso with a few words about the design…
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Won’t Trump be thrilled when he sees what's featured on this one: some dirty hippie kid resembling Greta Thunberg sticking a tree inside a hole instead of a new fracking drill bit. Gird your loins for some morning rage-tweeting.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Did you see the recent poll out? 49 percent of registered Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool splashers don’t trust Bill in Portland Maine? Not for him? They’re for me!”
—Joe Biden
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