A Dark and Stormy Night in the Kiddie Pool
It's a highlight of my year—plopping my ass down in a Victorian wingback with a frosty beverage and basking in the brilliant badness of the winning entries in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, named after Edward “It was a dark and stormy night” Bulwar-Lytton as "a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." The Class of 2020 has been unveiled by the English department at San Jose State University, and it's a welcome respite during this, America's Era of Maximum Wackadoo. Enjoy a few:
She sauntered into his smoke-filled office with legs that, although they didn’t go quite all the way to heaven, definitely went high enough for him to see that she was a giraffe.
—J. Dement, WI (Crime/Detective)
Continued…
Bulwer-Lytton cont’d
Ah, dearest Lumplina: Her lips were a symphony, her face was a melody, and her body was a concerto—except for that one hangnail that was like a strident E-chord from a sleepy, hungover guitarist who, if he shows up drunk again to practice, so help me I will kick him out of the band—yes, that was Lumplina.
—E. Covolo, CA (Purple Prose)
Farmer Bob, unlucky in love and life in general, received yet another Dear John letter, this time from Bubbles Magaggaggey, the last blind woman in town, so here he was, alone and penniless; so penniless, in fact, that he neglected to make the payments on his tractor and soon received a John Deere letter, coincidentally from Bubbles, who ran the Tractor Emporium.
—D. Hicks, Jr., NJ (Romance)
Although Snake-Eye Slade had told him to get out of town (in some old-timey western vernacular), Allthumbs McGubbins reckoned that ever since the unfortunate pistol-in-the-holster discharge accident, he couldn’t quite manage a skedaddle but felt that his departure would require something faster than a mosey.
—T. Metz, IN (Western)
As Professor Quinter surveyed his students, his gaze was drawn to their scrappy sets of cookware and their bemused faces staring stupidly at the history professor's presentation on Carthage, and with a sigh, Quinter realized that the students had misread the day's agenda, which was "Hannibal Lecture."
—S. Carmichael, MO (Dishonorable Mention)
Okay, okay, one more. Kos likes science fiction so here ya go, oh great and noble Keyboard Kingpin…
“The quantum flux field of the post-Einsteinian hyperdrive has gone asymptotically and we are in danger of approaching singularity as described by the Schrodinger equations!” cried Captain Quirke, having no clue what he said, only knowing it sounded sciencey, secretly crossing his fingers behind his back and hoping there were no physicists reading because he didn’t want any pedantic letters saying it was nonsense.
—S. Doenim, England
You can read the full list, including the grand prize winner, right here. Preferably while a dog barks in the distance.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 4, 2020
Note: Here's the schedule for next week. C&J will be off Monday so that we can sharpen our snow shovel blades, pre-salt the sidewalks, pre-make our emergency winter pots of clam chowder, and then get arrested for wearing white after Labor Day. Back Tuesday to boast about how my new orange jumpsuit matches this blog. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
13 days!!!
Days 'til Constitution Day: 13
Number of times Trump illegally encouraged Americans to vote on election day, once by mail and once in person, a felony: 2
Biden-Trump matchup numbers in Arizona, according to the latest Fox News polling: 49%-40%
Biden-Trump matchup numbers in Wisconsin, according to the latest Fox News polling: 50%-42%
Number of dignified transfers since February at Dover Air Force Base for killed service members—aka “losers and suckers,” according to the commander-in-chief—that Trump or Pence attended: 0
Number of employees who work for Old Navy, which just offered to pay any of them who volunteer to be a poll worker on November 3rd: 50,000
Portion of people who make up 75% of the world's population: 3-in-4
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Family portrait…
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CHEERS to putting on your listening ears. Using the mightiest superpower in his utility belt—empathy—Joe Biden comforted the family of attempted-homicide-by-cop victim Jacob Blake in Milwaukee yesterday, and even spent some time on the phone with him before continuing on to Kenosha:
Biden said Blake "talked about how nothing was going to defeat him," and whether "he walked again or not, he was not going to give up. What I came away with was the overwhelming sense of resilience and optimism" that the family has "about the kind of response they're getting."
[Blake family lawyer Ben] Crump said the family was moved by the meeting. "It was very obvious that Vice President Biden cared, as he extended to Jacob Jr. a sense of humanity, treating him as a person worthy of consideration and prayer,” Crump added.
Joe in Kenosha doing what Trump is incapable of: listening and empathizing.
In Kenosha, Biden attended a socially-distanced community meeting at Grace Lutheran Church with local civic and clergy leaders, activists, business owners, police officials and first responders. Biden spent most of the program listening to the speakers, and told attendees that if elected president, he'd address the impact of the "original sin of the country," slavery. “I can’t tell you everything will be solved in four years. But I can tell you one thing, it’s gonna be a heck of a lot better,” he said.
You can watch the full Grace Lutheran meeting here. Biden's visit was like the antidote to the apocalyptic poison that Trump forced down the city's throat two days earlier. He was heartfelt, intelligent, truthful, reality-based, resolute, and hopeful. Or, long story short: a Democrat.
JEERS to circling the media wagons. After multiple sources, confirmed by multiple other sources, revealed that our draft-dodging commander-in-chief opened his mouth hole and disparaged our wounded and killed combat veterans by referring to them as "losers" and "suckers" (Example: “Why should I go to that cemetery? It’s filled with losers.”), the media moved swiftly to express the shocking and damaging nature of Trump's horrific words in their headlines. (People read headlines more than the rest of the story by a factor of five.) Ha ha ha, of course I'm kidding. They circled their wagons this morning and robotically posted the script they were given:
NBC News: "Trump denies…"
Still not lurnin’, Times.
CBS News: "Trump denies…"
ABC: "Trump denies…"
CNN: "Trump angrily denies…"
U.S. News & World Report: "Trump denies…"
Fox: "White House attacks false Atlantic story"
NYT: "Trump angrily denies…"
Politico: "Trump furiously denies…"
At least the editors at The Washington Post had the stones to say it plain in their headline: "Trump said U.S. soldiers injured and killed in war were ‘losers,’ magazine reports." Regardless of their insistence on helping Cadet Bone Spurs wriggle out of this, I think "Loser-Suckergate" is going to stick to him more than most scandals. Perhaps his Waterloo, especially with independents? In the immortal words of Trump himself: we'll see what happens.
CHEERS to far-from-conventional conventions. On tomorrow's date in 1774, the First Continental Congress assembled at Carpenters' Hall in Philadelphia to push back against the monarchy of a mad narcissist:
It was held because the colonists were very upset about the Intolerable Acts and the taxes. The Intolerable Acts were punishments that King George III put on the colonies. He put them on so the colonists would feel sorry about dumping tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party.
Of course, the opposite happened. We got royally pissed, revolted, formed our own country, and then thrived and prospered until we started coming apart at the seams and heading down the path to becoming a monarchy led by a mad narcissist thanks to the efforts of...the Tea Party. Oh George, you sneaky bastard.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to a fairly smooth ride. Tip 'o the hat to Senator Ed Markey of Massachusetts for fending off a spirited primary challenge from Joe Kennedy III this week. (The win guarantees the Green New Deal co-creator another six-year term because his GOP opponent is bringing a can of Play-Doh to a steamroller fight.) But something else of note happened last Tuesday, says The New York Times: the election, which set a primary voter record of 1.6 million, went off pretty smoothly, mail-in ballots and all:
Despite the disruption of the coronavirus pandemic, results for a hotly contested statewide race trickled in throughout the night, with a winner called around 10:30 p.m. Nearly one million absentee ballots were counted by midnight. […]
To be totally safe during the pandemic, each Massachusetts primary voter completed their ballot while sealed inside a cardboard box.
“We’re confident that people who wanted to vote had the opportunity,” said William F. Galvin, who as the secretary of the commonwealth for Massachusetts oversees its elections. “We had the same problems with the Postal Service that everyone else has had. But we were able to extend the opportunity for anyone who didn’t receive a ballot to vote in person, and we crosschecked it.” […]
Looking at the Massachusetts primary is informative, [Charles Stewart III, an elections expert at MIT] said, because it reveals what happens “if a state is just allowed to run its election and try to do the right things in terms of public administration and in terms of being responsive to public opinion."
And this just in: after reading about smooth election process, President Trump signs executive order donating Massachusetts to Greenland.
CHEERS to that other city that never sleeps. On September 4, 1781, Los Angeles (Spanish for"Los Angeles" from the Latin root “Los Angeles”) was founded by Spanish settlers. They would've settled there a lot sooner but traffic on the 101 was a bitch.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Now that September is here and Maine is snowed in until next June (18 inches last night), the TV is in complete control of our lives. Unfortunately there's not much on this weekend, now that the 24-hour Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon has been ripped from the fabric of society like a strip of cheap Velcro. (When I worked at a Saginaw, Michigan radio station in the late 80s, we always volunteered to helm the MDA phones at night, and it was a little eerie doing it in an empty mall at 2am. They sprung for some good chow, though.)
All my Kentucky Derby bets are on Mortimer Abercrombie IV.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The big sporting event this weekend is the postponed (and spectator-less) Kentucky Derby, the two-minute horse race that NBC will devote—[checks notes]—five hours to starting at 2:30 (post time is 7:01). You can check out the NBA schedule here and the WNBA schedule here, while the NHL games are here and the baseball lineup is here, starring the Boston Red Sox who have won so many World Series that everyone has lost count, believe me.
On 60 Minutes: decoding the physical makeup of thoughts, and the restoration of New York's Greek Orthodox Church of St. Nicholas. Other than that, the TV sphere is a barren wasteland and if you choose to wade into it may god help you.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: A special “Vote Watch” edition with Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson, Ohio Secretary of State Frank LaRose, and North Carolina elections board member Karen Brinson Bell. Also: Democratic elections lawyer Marc Elias and retired Republican election lawyer Ben Ginsberg.
CNN's State of the Union: Kamala! Plus: Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert Wilkie.
This Week: Oh god no. Martha Raddatz has been “on the road” for 2,200 miles “talking to voters” and brings you all the stimulating opinions from Boulder, Colorado.
Face the Nation: Billionaire David Rubenstein; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; another billionaire Mohamed El Erian.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Biden campaign senior adviser Symone Sanders; foreclosure king Steve Mnuchin.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 4, 2010
JEERS to tense moments. Miami airport was evacuated last night when TSA authorities noticed something suspicious. Apparently a passenger still had money left in his bank account after paying all the airline add-on fees. Once they made him buy a drink at a bar inside the terminal, it zeroed out his balance and everything returned to normal.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to farting around. Week's over. We've thrown it in a steal vault, sealed it in cement, wrapped it in chains, taken it out to sea and tossed it overboard. It can no longer cause us harm. Holiday weekend ahead. Then, in the blink of an eye it'll be ELECTION DAY 2020, when we trounce Trump, throw his administration out, and take back the Senate just for shits and giggles. But right now it’s Friday night playtime. So let us play…
[Inserts quarter]
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Yay, I win. That was fun. Two outta three?
Have a great weekend and don’t forget to hug a union on Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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