On Thursday, the United States Border Patrol released a video to their YouTube page. It is a two minute and 56-second short film, completely fictitious, with actors and all, depicting some of those “bad hombres” Donald Trump is always talking about. No, not the thousands of children his forces have detained. No, not the thousands of families that have been separated due to Trump’s zero tolerance policies, some real life, paid actors, pretending to be bad guys.
Titled “The Gotaway,” the video begins with two border patrol officers sitting in their vehicle, listening to the radio. On the radio a news report from 2015 of the terrible murder of a 64-year-old California woman plays. Marilyn Pharis was reportedly attacked, sexually assaulted, and murdered by 29-year-old Victor Aureliano Martinez, who had entered the United States illegally. The border patrol agents shake their heads in disgust. One says to the other, “That’s the second one this week,” to which the other agent replies, “Man, this is getting out of hand.” This is a fictitious statement about a real life event. I bet you can see where this is going and how far down into the sewer our tax money goes.
The agents then get a call and we are pursuing a bunch of clearly undocumented men in a SUV. They are clearly undocumented men because we go inside the vehicle where a tattooed man in the passenger seat looks back to say “We’re not getting caught today!” Once the men are pulled over, in the dead of night, along a stretch of the old U S of A, they take off. The officers are able to detain all but one of the men. But that one man is a super duper “bad hombre.”
We follow him running, and then as the music gets super ominous, he comes upon another man, just chatting away on a cell phone—next to an area made up of shipping containers. Our “bad hombre,” en español, asks the man if he has any money. The man pats his pockets to show he has nothing, and then continues on his phone conversation, walking away into the ship container gymnasium. Unfortunately, this is a super bad dude and he quickly comes up behind the man and stabs him, leaving him bleeding on the floor as he runs off into the night.
The video cuts to a title card that says “Do you know who got away?” Followed by stills of news articles highlighting violent criminal behavior perpetrated by “illegal immigrants.” Then the US Border Patrol logo, with what I’m guessing is the catch phrase: “U.S. Border Patrol, Protecting America Everyday, Honor First.”
I guess they forgot this photo for their montage?
“Honor First”
Or maybe they meant to use this one?
“Protecting America Everyday”
But they definitely forgot this one.
Here’s the video, it’s like the most boring episode of Cops you’ve ever seen.
