Ding!
Time sure does fly when you're keeping track of Trump's glorious self-imposed deadlines, and this week's is a whopper:
I'll give him this: a sitting president calling our country's military a bunch of "losers" and "suckers" is certainly a thing nobody would've contemplated or thought possible, to say nothing of the presidential campaign of a “brilliant businessman” running out of money. And knowing he’s self-sabotaging his chance of being reelected is...exciting.
So I guess we’ll mark this down as: Mission Accomplished?
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 9, 2020
Note: From the Eyewitness News desk—We're all just frogs in a pot waiting for the water to boil. Film at 11, which will be watched by a record-breaking audience of real frogs with smirks on their faces.
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By the Numbers:
13 days!!!
Days 'til autumn: 13
Americans under the age of 25 who have registered to vote so far in 2020: 2.78 million
Portion of registrants in August who were under the age of 25: 1-in-3
Percent of voters polled by Ipsos who say Joe Biden would do a better job than Trump of reducing violence: 59%
Current Latino unemployment rate, versus the overall rate of 8.4%: 10.5%
Portion of U.S. workers covered by a union contract: 1-in-9
Number of Twinkies I can stuff in my mouth at one time: "Shishkteen!"
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 sitting U.S. president calling his evangelical base "bullshit"). Soul Protection Factor 45 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: I’m sorry, but dogs don’t feed baby goats. They simply don’t, people, and that's a well-known fact…
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CHEERS to the home of 55 Awesome Electoral Votes. Our first cheer of the morning—and positive thoughts for all y’all’s safety—goes out to our lefty-coaster friends: on September 9, 1850, California became the 31st state in the union and began its amazing journey to becoming the fifth-largest economy in the world. I have nothing but a “we’re not worthy” mantra to offer as you use your legislative and judicial guns to stymie the D.C. fascists at every opportunity. And you make pretty good movies sometimes, too, not to mention great vino. And being home to the Freeway Blogger is icing on the cake...
For being a beacon of democracy and making the current executive branch in D.C. frequently break out in hives, C&J salutes the Golden State. And if there's anything, anything at all—like, say, dousing your wildfires, bringing the covid vaccination to your state first, or sending native daughter Kamala Harris to the veep's residence—that the rest of us can do to make you more comfortable, just ask. We love you, California. We love you, we love you, we love you. Especially every four years in November.
JEERS to all the president's men. They're all corrupt as you-know-what. The latest Trump boot licker to get caught with his criminal hands in the cookie jar: Postmaster Louis DeJoy, who ran a money-laundering operation for Republican candidates using his private-sector employees as his human laundromats. This could spell the end of his brief career in government dismantling:
House Oversight and Reform Committee Chairwoman Carolyn Maloney, in a statement, said if the allegations are true, DeJoy faced “criminal exposure” not only for violating the law with the transactions but also for lying to Congress when he denied making them at a recent hearing.
And now also: campaign finance fraud!
“We will be investigating this issue, but I believe the Board of Governors must take emergency action to immediately suspend Mr. DeJoy, who they never should have selected in the first place,” she said.
The move follows accusations by former workers at DeJoy’s company that he reimbursed employees for campaign contributions to his preferred Republican politicians, an arrangement that would violate federal campaign finance law. The Washington Post and the New York Times both reported the allegations over the weekend,citing multiple unnamed former employees.
The House is formally launching a probe, although they’re holding the exact timetable close to the vest. Here’s a clue: when you see a metallic object with a NASA logo gathering rock samples from the top of DeJoy's head, you'll know they pulled the trigger.
JEERS to a fond look back at the party that was. They came from the north, south, east and west—all 366,000 of them. They ate, they drank, they smoked, they vroom-vroomed, they got tattoos, they swap-meeted boots and caps and patches and leather vests, they danced, they screwed, they ate and drank some more, and they owned the libs and their commie "science." When it was all over, they hopped in their hogs and rode back to their communities bearing an invisible gift, courtesy of rugged individualism:
A new study entitled The Contagion Externality of a Superspreading Event: The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally and COVID-19, by the IZA Institute of Labor Economics found that the 10-day event can be tied to 250,000 coronavirus cases.
The Rally For Covid Virus Rights in Sturgis last month.
IZA estimates that the costs of this event to the public will be over $12 billion. It is important to note that to reach this number, researchers worked under the conservative assumption that all of these new cases were nonfatal [but] we already know that people have died as adirect result of COVID-19 exposure at the Sturgis rally.
I believe I speak on behalf of us all when I say: awww, you shouldn't have. No, seriously, you f*cking idiots: YOU. SHOULDN'T. HAVE.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to Tory takesie backsies. It's been awhile since we checked in to see how deftly the mighty conservative brains in Britain are handling their "Brexit" from the European Union, which they said they could do with one hand tied behind their back while pouring a spot of tea with the other. Easy peasy, they said, after signing official documents with the EU formalizing their new go-it-alone path on the world stage. So let's see how they're honoring the agreement that they signed in January using a quill dipped in melted butter from the Queen's crumpet…
UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson plans to overwrite key parts of the Brexit withdrawal deal he agreed with the EU last year as he insists that leaving all existing trade arrangements without a fresh deal at the end of the year would be a "good outcome" for Britain. […]
One of the sources familiar with the UK government's plan told The Financial Times that the legislation was "a very blunt instrument." They said:"The bill will explicitly say the government reserves the right to set its own regime, directly setting up UK law in opposition with obligations under the withdrawal agreement, and in full cognizance that this will breach international law."
Responding to the reports, the EU warned that any attempt to rip up parts of the Brexit withdrawal agreement would wreck any chance of agreeing on a new future trading relationship.
Even in Britain, and even when they put it in writing, a conservative's word isn't worth a bucket of warmed-over haggis. Raise your hand if you're shocked. (Oh fer god's sake, put your hand down, ghost of Margaret Thatcher.)
JEERS to the Founding Flip-floppers. On this date in 1776, the Continental Congress, caving to the pressure of cutthroat lobbyists and industrialist billionaires, officially changed our country's name from "United Colonies" to "United States." Of course, the name has changed again in recent years. Thanks exclusively to the Russia-backed Republican hate cult, today we call it, "United? Ha."
CHEERS to easy layups. Up yonder in the frozen tundra of Brunswick, Maine, some aggrieved punk with anger issues and bad eyesight got all road-ragey, whipped out his shootin' iron, and blasted away at a motorist of whom he was less than fond. The only thing he managed to hit was his own rear-view mirror. I don’t know how this'll turn out, but I'd say his behavior…reflects poorly on him!
Thank you.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 9, 2010 [This one’s a classic.]
JEERS to insanity on steroids. Enter Donald Trump and his latest act of barely-veiled religious bigotry. Seems The Donald is offering to buy the empty Burlington Coat Factory building in Lower Manhattan that would otherwise house the new American Islamic Peace Center. In his letter he finally—and oh so foolishly—gave the world the answer to the question, "Exactly how far away from two blocks away from the World Trade Center site should Muslims be prohibited from congregating?" Distance Czar Trump makes it all sound so easy:
"As part of the offer, it would be agreed that, if you or your representative were to build a mosque, it would be located at least five blocks further from the World Trade Center site."
There's your No-Muslim Zone: 2 blocks + 5 blocks = 7 blocks. This morning on MSNBC he justified his math, saying: "Those 5 blocks are psychological." Oh, and he also predicted "riots in the streets" if the peace center wasn't moved. Meanwhile, the other mosque, located four blocks away, is open and active, but I guess they're grandfathered in because they're "pre-9/11 Muslims." And the strip club remains open at the "hallowed ground," as well as the sellers of tacky T-shirts. Thankfully a cooler head with immense popularity has stepped into the fray: Colin Powell...
“I’m saying to myself, what is wrong with this and does it make a difference whether it’s two, three, four, five or 10 blocks away? And the answer is, if you believe in our system and if you understand why we can [have Muslim prayer spaces] at the Pentagon and Walter Reed, then you can’t make a distinction between two, three, five and 10 blocks. I think it should go forward.”
Crazy hippie.
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And just one more...
JEERS to President Perv. P. Pervert. We whisk you back now to a simpler, more innocent time, when children played stickball in the streets, cherry pies cooled on windowsills, and Lean Back by Terror Squad was at the top of the pop charts. Sixteen years ago this week, creepy President Bush took a deep breath, disengaged brain, and bellowed: "We got an issue in America. Too many gooddocs are gettin' out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." They got it on tape and everything…
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I always wondered why he didn’t express the same concern about proctologists. After all, the only doctors willing to examine him and his cabinet members were the ones who specialize in practicing their love with assholes.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Bill in Portland Maine is leading Democrats into the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool. That means it's time to panic.
—NBC News
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